Name Change - who decides?

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We have a little boy on a foster to adopt basis. It's looking likely that he will stay with us and be adopted by us. Before we got him the social worker said his name would have to be changed if/when we adopt him as they felt that birth parents would be a threat to his safety and that they would try to find him. He is only a couple of months old so doesn't really know his name. He now has a new social worker who doesn't agree with this and will not recommend a name change as he thinks there's no threat. This is quite confusing!

I've read on here that when you apply to adopt you can put the name you want the child to have on the application form. But who decides whether the child can have that name? Is it up to the judge? Or the social worker? Please could someone explain how this works, thanks.

You put the name you want, and the child is that from now on. I assume technically the judge could overrule. I wouldn't imagine they would. Once the order is through, you could deed poll it anyway.

A baby starts to turn his head in response to his name normally at 5 - 7
months so it is something you need to think about quickly! There are other issues to do with changing names from the adoptee's point of view, which are complicated.

Do you just get the information you have put here in relation to what the two social worker's thought, or have you had more information about their reasoning to help you form your own view? The new social worker will be aware that this is a 180 degree about turn and so surely would have provided more information to help you understand?

Yes we could change it by deed poll, but as you grow up I think it must be easier to have the correct name on your birth/adoption certificate.

I know lots of adoptees feel that their adoptive parents shouldn't have changed their names. Others wish they hadn't grown up with the name that abusive parents gave them. It's a complex issue. But don't most people agree that if birthparents pose a risk then it's best to change the name?

And the question is really whether we can even do that, or if it's up to others to decide?

Yes we do have more information than I can share here. I suppose diffferent people have different ideas of what constitutes a risk.

I guess legally until the child is adopted they can stop you changing the child’s name on legal documents however you can CALL the child whatever you like and you can always change it by deed poll at a later date. I know that’s not ideal but you may have to. Certainly apply for the adoption order in the name you plan to use.

Ultimately its up to you. Do you feel its a risk?

The more 'yoonique' the name the more risk. If you have a fairly average name which goes well with your surname, then there probably isnt much risk.
A fairly ordinary name with an odd spelling, a made up name, or something totally off the wall, then the more identifiable it is potentially.
I think you also have to weigh up what the overall risk is - how close are you in location to the birth family, is there potential violence.
Most birth parents actually pose little risk, though of course there are some where its a serious issue.
You could keep his existing name as a middle namw and give him a new name, give him a name which sounds similar, change the spelling so you have several options.
There are also lotsof things you can do to minimise risk, never put their name on social media, when they start school you can request that his name does not appear on their website etc.
My son has an African name which sounds unusual to the white British ear. Combined with my name he is very identifiable but as he was nearly 8 changing it wasnt really an option ( and I think its a brilliant name). With sensible precautions it really hasnt been a problem but his birth family pose no threat.
I think you need to decide for yourself what the real risk is and go from there

I suppose diffferent people have different ideas of what constitutes a risk I think that that is exactly right and I think ted's advice here is really good. To answer your question the judge ultimately decides but it is down to you to fact find, talk to the social workers, consider from all angles, take on board all relevant advice and think about the situation 15 years down the line, 20 years down the line, and what the best outcome will be and no doubt you will get an opportunity to discuss your thinking with the judge.

Although frowned upon by social services it's ultimately up to you. I agree that it is a part of their identity but also if the name is very different then they will be easy to find especially with the way social media is.

We have just adopted a little girl. Although we've pretty much kept her name the same with have twerked it slightly. For example

Jane-Lucy Joanne bloggs has become Jane Lucie Smith. (Obviously not her real name 😂) this way we have kept her name but given it a personal stamp too as the middle name is a grandmothers name and spelling x

Thanks everyone,that 's really helpful. I am thinking that regardless of how physically close birth parents live if they are a real risk (of physical harm) what with social media they might as well live next door. I suppose what we need to do is consider the risk, using the information we have.

As far as .I know we aren't meant to be at court so won't be having a discussion with the judge.

That's a good idea iusedtohavechickens, we are struggling to think of a similar solution though, but might need to think about the alternatives a bit more.

I have adopted three children and I strongly believe that with social media the best way to protect our children is to change their names. For my three I kept their birth names as middle names and chose first names that had a similar sound.

I feel that the advice not to change names is outdated and based on a time when children were kept in the dark about their adoption. Many children in that situation upon discovering their adoption status as adults and discovering there had been a name change developed identity issues.

However my children have lost their names and they know that their middle names use to be their first names. We are open about their adoption. Because of this I cannot envisage there being any issue surrounding the changing of their names.

OP in relation to discussions with the judge it is worth you getting clued up on the process so that you are prepared and informed.

I feel that the advice not to change names is outdated and based on a time when children were kept in the dark about their adoption. Many children in that situation upon discovering their adoption status as adults and discovering there had been a name change developed identity issues

I am an adoptee and you are incorrect with your assumption. I think sometimes it is necessary to change names but what does make me angry is this kind of half baked idea made up by someone without any relevant experience or expertise and without having spent any time whatsoever looking into it. It is far more complicated than this, much might depend on the feelings of the adoptee about things generally, which will be complicated in itself, including why the name was changed and how the name change was explained to them, their relationship with the adoptive parent and how they were parented, their own personal thoughts about identity, and about who they are and what they choose to identify with. I also don't think you can inform yourself by reading a book by a "life coach" who has no relevant professional expertise or experience whatsoever, by the way.

I am hiding the thread now.

I changed my sons, his birth name was very distinctive (and frankly really really awful), I started calling by old name - new name fairly quickly, I then started dropping the old name. He legally became new name when I adopted him.

He knows he has an old name, he also knows in four year old terms why he needed a new name.

Ah... a name change thread, always one to get heated.

We altered names very slightly, in a way that can be justified. I think social media concerns are valid, and to have a 'normal' life our children deserve their privacy. It's always a difficult one to weigh up, OP, and people have strong opinions. In the end, though, it's only the opinion of your child that matters, and no one has a crystal ball.

On balance, we went for very similar, but slightly altered names.

Sorry I have upset people. But I am asking these questions here precisely in order to inform myself.

My original question was really who makes the final decsion about a name change, particularly if there are different opinions. He has a perfectly lovely name so we are not considering changing it because it's not "good enough" or anything like that.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and opinions.

Sorry I have upset people.

I don't think you should worry about someone being upset by perfectly reasonable questions and politely phrased replies. Adoption is an emotive subject, this sort of discussion is the very point of the board.

I think sometimes it is necessary to change names but what does make me angry is this kind of half baked idea made up by someone without any relevant experience or expertise and without having spent any time whatsoever looking into it.

I would be amazed if someone who adopted 3 kids had no experience or expertise and was approaching such important decisions in a half baked way.

Back to the question:

I'm adopted. We changed DD2's name, so I've given this quite a lot of thought from both sides.

I think the advice above about online safety and considering uniqueness is very good. I don't think a NC is necesarily a big deal. Where the child is a baby, where life story work is done and there is openness about the adoption and name it should be a minor issue. I think the suggestion to keep it as a middle name is good. I do think you should be concious of identity issues and it shouldn't be changed without good reason.

If I thought there was any reasonable risk I would change it, unless their name was very common. If you do so, don't finalise and announce that decision to SWs until after approval.

The other potential concern is around what happens if you want to adopt from that LA again. Ultimately this is completely your decision, in the best interest of your child- let no one tell you otherwise.

The reality is birth families rarely pose a risk to adoptive families DP id be speaking to SW to explore exactly what their concern is because, regardless of changing names of someone is determined to find you in this day and age it’s always a possibility that they will.

If you want to change your child’s name, do it but be clear about your reasons for doing so (didn’t like the name, didn’t fit with my family, wanted to “claim” my little one), if you’re saying it’s because the birth family present a risk think about how you might explain that when your child asks about why yo life changed their name.

We didn’t change names but we did change spellings to more conventional spellings because I didn’t want them going through life having to correct the spelling of their otherwise ordinary names. It’s a contentious issue (as you’ve discovered) but ultimately you can call your child whatever you like.

We were advised to change LO's name and did but I wish we hadn't. I like their birth name but it is not one commonly used in this country so made them easily identifiable. My issue is that it creates a disconnect whenever we are talking to social services because they still use the birth name even though that is no longer their legal name. We also have to use it on all letterbox contact letters in order to protect the new name and obviously any letters we receive are written to birth name. I find it very jarring.

My son has a very common name (1 of 3 in class) so didn’t change it. I felt this gave us enough us enough anonymity. However, this was mentioned when going through court asking why we hadn’t changed it. As far as we were concerned there was no known risk from birth family (especially due to distance) and being 3 at the time, he already knew his name including surname and the conplete change of forename and surname may have been too much. All this had to be justified during the court process.

I do worry about social media in the future but that will need to be explained to him at the time he sets up a profile. I don’t have social media but my husband does and there is no mention of the adoption on it and certainly no mention of my son specifically if birth family tried to find us (again he has a common name). My son can’t be on school social media either.

I hope this helps a little. Whatever you choose, I’m sure it will be for the right reasons

I am an adoptee and also have a sibling who is an adoptee, both decades ago so no social media concerns. My sibling has original middle name as first name and I kept neither of my names. I would have preferred to have kept my original name as it was but definitely as a middle name.

Ironically, my name was changed from an ordinary popular name to one that was much more unusual which I hated as a child!

We kept our LO's first name more or less. It was double barrelled and we removed the second name as that was too identifying and we don't personally like double barrelled names. Her first name was what she was known as anyway and I just couldn't bring myself to change it as it just felt like that WAS her name by the time she came to us at 9MO. We were then going to have the second part of her double barrelled name as her middle name but SWs actually encouraged us to choose our own so we did. I do like this as it means we chose one and BPs chose one which I think sets the balance nicely. If it's an overidentifying name or you just can't bring yourself to call them that for the rest of their life then I would personally at least have it as their middle name so they don't lose that part of their identity. In our case too there were specific reasons for naming her what they did which made it doubly important. Ultimately though it's up to you. Like people have said you can address her however you like providing it's respectful and if it causes problems with AO application (highly doubtful they'd prevent an adoption going through because of this if crunchtime came) then you could still call your child what you like and change by deed at a later date. I know someone who had a baby much older than your's and they kept his BPs name but their own middle name but they just call him their name. You're the parent legally once that AO is granted so just do what YOU feel is right. Decide soon though because as people say it'll not be long before they respond to their name xx

I was in a very similar position to you...fta of a newborn baby and I did change her name. It was suggested by the court guardian and I’m so glad I did. In the end I just swapped her first and middle names around and I’m clear in my mind that if she chooses to be known as her middle name (original first name) when she’s older, then I’ll fully support her in that. In the meantime, there are challenges...writing contact letters feels duplicitous but the sense of peace and freedom it’s given us is hard to describe. Good luck and congratulations on your baby whatever you decide to do x

We actually had quite a complicated situation with our eldest. We didn’t initially change his name on the advice of our social worker. He had a very common name, but common for somebody in their 30’s not a little boy (think Kevin or Barry). He was named after his birth father. Last year at the age of 9 (after several years of asking) he changed his name. He hated his name and the association with a person that neglected him. It has been hard to change his name and we just wish we had follow our instinct to change it back then. He is much happier with his new name. The poster who suggested our decisions were half baked and not thought through is completely wrong!! I’m not suggesting that EVERY adopter should change their child’s name, but I do think If handled correctly it can be a very positive thing.

We name changed our then 6 year old daughter and very slightly changed the spelling of my then 5 year old. Both have never looked back. My older knows her old name and prefers the new one (which is related to the old). We have a safety risk and the name change was recommended by all sw involved.

However, these days a safety risk can just mean that your teenager is contacted by the birth family via sm. This can cause huge upset and turmoil at a time that is hard enough. I would try to prevent this. All my daughters' siblings have been contacted by the birth family via sm and it has been very traumatic.

I definitely think chat it through at length with your social worker. We were told by the local authority that we should change the name but were told it was to be changed to their middle name as this was less identifiable and maintained their history/heritage . We have done so but it has come to light that the local authority now tell the birth parents what the new name is. Their reasoning being that as the names are not identifiable then they are not as easy to find.... we understand this arguement but find it all slightly odd that as there is a big security risk as a background so I would advise you chat to understand guidelines and their rationale as we have had some heated conversations around how ours has been dealt with x

I am an adoptee too. My first priority in your shoes would be to find out why such different advice was given out and then take a view on the best way to keep your child safe. I am a 1970s baby from a closed adoption- I understand very well about identity issues but social media means your child could be identified within min of searching if they have an unusual name. The teen years will be here sooner than you think and it will become even harder to protect them. If the risk seems real I would change it but think of some way to honour the original name.