Regulation activities

[121Sarah121]

what sort of activities do you do when your kids dysregulate? What sort of things do you do when you see their cortisol levels rise? (Sorry for the clumsy language but I am sure you know what I mean.) I can’t seem to think of a list and google seems unhelpful. Any tried and tested things?

Thanks

trampoline by far the best investment I ever made, you can get mini trampettes for indoors if they are very young, swimming

deoending on how old - scootering, cycling, whatever passes for 'tennis' my son did have tennis lessons but a swingball in the garden was very effective
I found the most effective thing was to keep me son almost permanently on the move to tire him out. We walked everywhere, some kind of physical activity everyday after school, weekends walk to the pool or tennis courts, hour activity, walk back, afternoon a bit of scootering or trampoline

Yes, any opportunity to jump and run, especially outdoors. Space hopper- type things for indoors (if you have room). My grandchild, when a toddler, also benefited from doing tactile things like play dough, kinetic sand and those squeezey, tactile balls that light up.

In the moment there are things you can do, depending on the child and depending on what they are upset about and how well they respond to you talking - like get them to say 54321 or say "calm" or offer something they love to do like drawing or get down on their level and hold their hands and say "there is no danger" ... ie the right thing which helps switch on their thinking brain.

But in terms of long term management, and also getting to the stage where the above will work if your dc is very disregulated, you can't beat long, long walks or going for runs, trampolining, like pps say, because they set up the neural pathways of connection to thinking brain (is how I understand it). If you go on a walk of 2 to 3 hours, you will see a difference, and do it more than a few times a week you will see a big difference and calming over time.

If there is somehting specific upsetting him which you haven't got to grips with yet, then doing lots of general talking about what he thinks and feels will help a lot, starting with really simple stuff such as does he prefer big lorries or small cars or whatever will help you get to know him and eventually help him talk about his feelings. This is a long term thing, building on it over months and years.

You might find this helpful for when you get to stage of talking strategies, it refers to upstairs and downstairs brains so I am guessing Dan Siegel was behind it somewhere

Therapeutic things like cranial osteopathy can help some children - releasing emotions - often the therapists who specialise in this are empathetic and can give insights

For my two trampolines help, the jumping motion helps them reconnect. Usually adding water (giving them something to drink, putting them in a bath, taking them to the beach, letting them play in the kitchen sink) all helps. They absolutely love water and it provides enough sensory input to help them come out of their triggered state.

Sometimes they need physical touch, sometimes not, sometimes colouring in or doing something like baking (making bread so again sensory input). I also do things like put shaving foam on the patio doors to draw shapes and words on - the big arm movements help reconnect, and it’s sensory and a bit naughty and a bit fun so lots of laughter. We also put on loud music and dance.

There’s also research that points to things like swinging motions, hanging, climbing all help children reconnect with their physical feelings so lots of time at the park can be good in longer term emotional regulation.

Emotional literacy is important too - we play games in the car “show me your angry/happy/frustrated face” to help my kids find words for emotions, or if I sense they’re struggling we’ll talk about how they physically feel and link to feelings. Part of that is you as a parent being able to talk openly about your own feelings (when I feel worried about something my tummy hurts or my head feels busy) so they build a language for feelings. I also have some story cubes, feelings stones etc that we use to talk through the situation and the feelings they have.

Also don’t underestimate the role that routine, structure and predictability play - it’s much much easier to self regulate if you know what’s coming next, consistency isn’t your friend.

Sorry is your friend

What sort of things do you do when you see their cortisol levels rise?

In all honesty, if I start to see them become dysregulated I’ll remove them from the situation as quickly as possible - it’s a sign for me that they’re becoming stressed and the first thing in helping them regulate is the remove the stressor. That may be as simple as taking them away from a crowd into a quieter room (eg at a family gathering), finishing my shopping quickly and getting home, finding a quiet corner in a busy place. If I can’t remove them (eg waiting for a health appointment), I’ll keep them close, look at a book together, play I spy or counting games that keep them in the here and now.

At school they have lots of strategies for recognising my two are becoming dysregulated including helping the teacher with a task, having time out (my DD tends to take herself off to the toilet if she’s struggling - because toilets all pretty much look the same, she can wash her hands and ground herself), they also have a “getting round school” pathway that encourages children to hop, skip, walk, touch things on the way round which is great for grounding.

It’s good that you can recognise the signs, that’s the first part to working out how to help.

Thank you for all your help. Things have been difficult at home. I recently posted the thread “I’m exhausted”. I’ve been focusing on myself and getting myself in a better place while my son has been doing a bit better and feel a bit more regulated myself.

However, over the past 2 weeks,
I’ve noticed my son becoming increasingly dystegulated and I’ve hit a brick wall as to how to support him. Yesterday, i didn’t know what to do. I took him to a park next to a Beach. He has always found the sounds of the waves calming but found he couldn’t really even play he was so dysregulated. His language skills have gone again.

Anyway, today has been much better. (Except him biting of course!) I’ve thought about what to do and why in a way I feel I haven’t been able to do in a long time. We have walked to the frog pond (and even saw frog spawn!) then to the shops which he loved. He picked the ingredients for lasagne and we’ve cooked it together. He loves the smells. Then he played in the mud in the garden and now a bath before going to nursery. Hopefully looking at his sensory needs will help him feel more grounded before nursery. Who knows? But at least I’ve got more ideas to try.

Chewing and sucking are major soothing actions. If you're child is too old for a baby bottle then something with a soft silicone straw can replicate that. Our LO has the toddler camelbak bottles. We do have to replace the bite valves every 6 months or so because she damages them biting them and they start to leak but they hold 400ml and are otherwise indestructible.

We do trampolines and walks too.

This website might be useful....

childdevelopment.com.au/areas-of-concern/sensory-processing/self-regulation/

As others above have said, drawing on the elements of a sensory diet and activities that work for the individual child..... a trampoline ( indoor and out door) was a godsend for my DD..... for my DGS he needed much more... teach them ‘hug’ themselves, running your hands firmly down their arms.... teaching them mountain or child pose, fidget blocks on elastic for travelling... headphones....ice cubes for oral stimulation/soothing....hoodies so they can ‘hide’... sunglasses;. try lots of different things and your little one will pick up on the things that help.

@sassygromit, cranial osteopathy was the only thing that helped my dd sleep.... is especially good for children that are prem or have had a traumatic birth. And yes, long walks, especially in the wildest most natural environment you can get access to

I think sensory work is really good and important, but I have found that the greater intensity of very long walks and rhythmic trampolining - eg jumping up and down for at least 30 mins - is a bit like a reset button for the brain - ie this is what I have found with my dc - connecting up the thinking brain or upstairs and downstairs brain, however you like to view it, balancing out hormones. In the early days we went about 3 times a week for about 9 months or so and over that period dc "normalised" - it took a long time because the affects of the illness/medication had been severe and it was a very dramatic change in that time. Nowadays if dc hits a rough patch - eg a new kid is thumping everyone at school or something - we use it as a reset at weekends, and I find that the effects last the week, whereas having a fun weekend with lots of sensory input without the walk doesn't. This is just personal experience though.

OP I wouldn't send your dc to nursery until he has he is reasonably emotionally on his feet again, because for all their positives and benefits nursery and school can often be stressful environments too. If he is not responding sufficiently to what you are doing whether following the suggestions here or otherwise, and is still unregulated/showing significant trauma symptoms then I would get input from a psychologist before he starts nursery, to set him on the right track, so you are building on successes rather than starting from behind and then just patching up.

@ClArabelle67 yes, he had cranial osteopathy about 3 times when he was four, and after the second session he was able to climb above 2 ft and jump and balance, for the first time in many months - I have no idea how it worked but it was a dramatic change, the gym teacher was quite blown over

PS - I referred to the 9 months re normalising and actually it was longer, but huge changes happened in the first 9 months.

@sassygromit... I know, it’s like magic isn’t it? There’s also a program called primary movement which some schools use. That has amazing results. www.primarymovement.org/

@121Sarah121, have you requested a meeting with children’s OT ? They are a great resource of advice and support.

Thank you. I’ll have a look.

Our routine since he came to our family about 18 months ago is (school day - scooter yo school about 2 miles there and back (dropping off his sister) then snack then physical activity until lunch then play in house or nursery. I kept him at home for about a year with only going to nursery in the past 6 months. Weekend and holidays are normally at parks or some form of physical activity like beach woods or playing outside.

He has progressed so well in the past 18 months. It’s been phenomenal. We have only recently went to a paediatric appointment after waiting 18 months. She will push on a ot and cahms referral for us but waiting lists are very long.

I am trying my best for my son but don’t know what to do anymore.

I will look at the suggestions and try them out over the coming days.

Sorry, I thought you meant he was about to start nursery. Have things got worse since starting? Or have there been any other big changes, for you or for him?

If you think he has come along well and generally he is doing fine, then it might be a matter of maintaining - slower improvement with you doing the same things over and over, keeping routine, good sleep, good nutrition, keeping on talking about things to get him to express his thoughts and feelings with a slow improvement.

If things are going backwards, can you afford a private clinical psychologist rather than waiting for camhs, not as a regular thing but for some pointers?

Actually - scrub that. Basically if you feel you don't know what to do, a conversation with a decent clinical psychologist with relevant expertise should result in strategies and insights which will provide immediate help, changes, confidence, hope. We only have a tiny snapshot here, whereas they would be able to ask you relevant questions in confidence. We can say "this has worked for us" but if there is something we are not aware of in your dc's life, we might be leading you down the wrong garden path.

I suppose it is a question of what is affordable.

If it helps, at the time I spoke to a cranial osteopath I felt that I was trying everything, willing to try anything within reason, in my desperation to get my dc well. There were glimmers of hope and I kept going, and changed tactics and strategies when needed, and it was worth it, in the end it worked. So take hope from that. There are always different ways of doing things which produce different affects.

Good luck.

@121Sarah121, have you pursued post adoption funding for therapy? ... it will speed access up? I don’t know where you are based but in London CORAM and the Tavistock are fantastic..

I do t k kw your specifics, but try not to worry too much, it sounds like you are doing all you can. Get access to your LO medical records and CS records, may give you further insight into why he is struggling.

Good luck 🙏🏻

@121Sarah121, how old is he?..... can you get In The bath with him?.. it’s a great bonding exercise and if he has sensory integration issues the water is always helpful?.... my DGS would run naked I. The rain if allowed... and every time the shower was turned on it was like the first ever time... I’ve got some sensory diet sheets from OT I can PM if you want them?

@121Sarah121, these dvds are great and you can do them as a family

www.amazon.co.uk/Cosmic-kids-yoga-dvd/dp/B00CL9CCLI?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Also, sounds like your LO loves smells, so maybe plant a herb garden together? My DGS spent every morning checking in on, a d soaking up his mint/lavender etc...

Do you have a now and next visual,planner for him? Maybe a PECS key ring would help?

If the nursery operate free flow that would be good... he can just go outside if indoors is too much?

He is almost 5 years old. I don’t want to delay starting school as he is developmentally soaring ahead and will excel at school. I have a meeting with the school and nursery to look at how to support him there (although he is doing so well and does not display any of the behaviours I see). My Sw is coming with me for support.

I am very confused by all this. I can see my son becoming more anxious again (although I am the only one!) and I want ways to support him. I feel completely lost parenting him and looking at ideas to support him before we get to the stage where he is completely overwhelmed with everything (or something’s I am not sure about) again.

Being a parent is hard work especially an adoptive parent!

Can you articulate what it is you see with him that others aren’t seeing? Sometimes it can be really useful to explore what, for example, tells you he’s becoming stressed or overwhelmed as opposed to what others see. By way of example my DD gets very heightened when we have house guests - to onlookers she just seems excited and a bit naughty but actually she’s really really struggling to regulate her own emotions (the naughty behaviour is actually her trying to catch folks attention to the fact that she’s not coping). Others will say that all children behave in that way but watching her I know the difference between high spirits and overwhelm.

The flip side is that I can also be a bit hyper vigilant myself so things that I worry about are actually ok. If you think he’ll be fine at school, and others aren’t seeing what you see it might be worth checking your own anxiety levels too - you could almost be bouncing off each other, if that makes sense?

And yes, it’s very very hard work.

@121Sarah121, So hes displaying behaviours at home that the nursery haven’t picked up on? You are the mum and you are the expert. As ..@jellycat has said.. try to pin down your concerns to specifics... maybe mainstream school simply isnt going to meet his needs? ‘ don’t expect a fish to climb a tree’ as the saying goes. Have you got access to any diagnostic forms that you could complete? MCHAT.. ages and stages, etc.?

For me, his language ability goes when he is heightened. “What did you say?” Or completely wrong words eg fish for flowerpot (he did that when talking to a member of staff at nursery or elephants when he meant chair (another example from a friend)). Also, he will sing/chant the same things over (jingle bells, jingle bells in June about until he feels calm . He can now internalise it if I ask him too. On my return he becomes excited (running on furniture, throwing toys etc) which one member of nursery staff commented it’s just not like him.

He likes dancing where he throws himself on The floor. Before nursery we have the frozen 1 or 2 soundtrack on where we sing and dance to it to try and regulate him before going. He asks for music at nursery and does some dancing there too.

At nursery, he can come and go as he pleases. He often goes to the quietest place eg if it’s busy outside he will stay in or vice versa.

I am aware I am a huge part of the problem. I have started counselling.

@121Sarah121, don’t be so hard on yourself. Parenting isnt easy for anyone, and it sounds like you’re doing everything you can. You obviously love him a great deal, and that’s the most important thing.