Struggling a little

[SequinPie]

We've had our little girl home for about a month now and she's doing fantastic and is amazing.

But I'm struggling. She's quite active and full on, demands a lot of attention and can push boundaries (as expected)! But I'm finding it harder to deal with than I thought I would. I've cried quite a bit today and had to take myself away for a break. Doesn't help we've all had terrible colds and I've got a mild sinus infection as well so feeling pretty physically run down!

One of my main worries is my partner goes back to work next week so I'll have to manage on my own. At the moment I don't feel like I can do it (I do have better days). Especially keep on top of the house and meals etc.

I'm worried about post adoption depression, I know it's pretty common but tough. I'm just worried that I won't be good enough for her.

Hi,

I bet you're doing so much better than you think you are. I was very wobbly a month in, and I've been lurking on Adoption forums for years - it is so common. The difficulties are so real but you're not alone.

Hope you've got good listeners to help you through. Really, really don't worry too much about your house. No parent is perfect and it sounds like you care so much about getting it right - your child will benefit from that.

Be kind to yourself and post away if it helps!

It's very early days op and I would ignore the house (within reason) and focus on bonding and having fun. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. If your dc is happy most of the time then you're most likely doing much better than you think. As hard as it is the fact the your dc is wanting your attention is really positive. Do you have support-either family or social worker/ post adoption support?

I remember this time. How old is your little one? When my son was a baby I just tried to get from one nap time to the next. Now he is older I don't feel bad about using TV to give myself a bit of a break to collect myself.
Getting out every day, ideally at the same time each day, to the park, play group, library or just supermarket or little walk will also help break the day up and give you both a purpose to your day. It will also take your mind off whether the house needs tidying, and reduce the mess making if your child isn't in it.

You need to take the pressure off yourself around keeping a perfect house - that's not what makes a good parent. Start to think about ways you can make life easier for yourself to get through this difficult period. You can then bring your standards back up when you've found your feet - super simple to prepare meals, take aways when she's in bed if you need to, groceries delivered, invite your most supportive friends or family over and then ask if they wouldn't mind hanging out washing, chopping veg, whatever needs doing, get a cleaner in if you can afford to. My son started helping out with chores when he was about two and a half and he still loves helping. It does mean the jobs take longer but at least it gets done eventually and I see it as quality family time as we're working on it together.

It is a tricky time but you will get through it so be as kind to yourself as you can. It will get easier.

Agree with all the above. Drastically lower expectations of what you can achieve in a day if it helps - especially with regards to the house!

I found if I can just be outside somewhere I was fine, but if I had to stay in - it drove me absolutely mental! Find some free softplay for wet days and on dry days go to a park!

I did go to groups straight away - but I know the advice is not to go to groups. But really you have to trail the kids anyway. Some adoption services run a toddler group too - which I only managed to get to once but that was really good...

The best thing we did was spend £20 a week on a cleaner!! She just really kept on top of floors, bathrooms and surfaces but it was enough to stop me having to do it! If you can stretch to that, do it and take you and the lo out for the morning while they clean.

My husband went back after two months leaving me with 2 toddlers. I established a daily routine very quickly and stuck to it for the next 6 months! - breakfast, some tv (allowed me to have a quiet coffee, walk (we left the house before 9 most mornings) for an hour, home for snack and then a trip to soft play, playpark, mums and tots etc, home for lunch, nap, structured play time for an hour, afternoon outing to park, shopping centre etc, home for tv, dinner, bath and bed!! We literally did not deviate from this routine! I needed it to help me get the day in and know when my next break was coming ( nap times, tv times etc). My eldest dropped his nap pretty quickly so while his sister was napping he had half an hour snuggled on the sofa with me wrapped in a blanket watching tv (I closed my eyes) and then half an hour play quietly himself while I watched my tv ( I got addicted to mindless doctors).

Call in your support network to prepare meals for you that are easy to re-heat taking meal pressure away form you. Send them away with bags of laundry. Finally at weekends when your husband is off tag team a lot!

It is not easy in the early days but in time you will realise six months have past and things will look different.

I would second getting a strict routine going off getting out of the house by mid morning at the latest. Whilst they are not in nursery find a toddler group to go to once or twice a week - good way of connecting with parents in the area. When the day hit 5pm I knew I was on the home straight. I had given up week day drinking but for the first couple of months once bedtime was over I sat down with a glass of wine and off loaded my day onto my husband.

Another thing I think is very important is making sure your husband takes responsibility for bedtime every other night for as long as possible. Adoption makes demands on both- if you have stepped away from work he needs to make adjustments at work to achieve this. Firstly, it enables a relationship to develop, it stops your child becoming dependent on you for all care giving and v importantly you get to recharge. I would go to the gym. It was a huge help in getting me through the first few months.

I look back now and marvel at just how hard I worked to make it work well and how hard it was at times to parent confidently with a confident child who needed firm boundaries but also understanding and patience. There were one or two nights when I had a cry to myself. Some of my google searches for advice were a comfort when it was clear parent after parent was enduring the same problems (parents generally, not specifically adopters). A game changer was the start of afternoon nursery 3 months in. Bliss!! However, what you describe is my child - a delight, funny, articulate but determined. A year in we are a happy lively family and you will get to that point too.

@SequinPie It can feel like a huge shock to the system in the first months of placement after all the build up and excitement. I remember friends/ family saying 'wow I bet you are ecstatic' and me thinking 'actually no I feel miserable and exhausted'.
Honestly I think a lot of people feel the way you do. I was dreading my husband going back to work!
You have had really good advice. I would add that I found it helpful breaking the day into manageable chunks with a set routine.
You sound run down, so remember self care when you can.
Please don't feel guilty about feeling the way you do and keep posting. 😃

Thanks guys.

She's just under 2, very active and vocal but not much language yet. We still have social workers involved and access to post adoption support if we need it. For the most part she's a happy little thing, settling and bonding really well. With both of us home it's going well and we have chance for breaks when we need it.

Today has gone better so far. We've been out to a little singing group and now down for a nap so I can have a quite 5 minutes!

I keep looking at things (like my ever increasing pile of laundry!) And think - I'll deal with that at the weekend when i have some free time. Followed by a sense of panic that it doesn't work like that anymore! I don't work the week and have weekends off.

I agree having that schedule is key. We've felt she's settled well enough to try some local toddler groups and soft play areas. Try build my confidence taking her out on my own while still having hubby to fall back on.

Logically I know it'll get easier and it's all normal. But still worry and doubt myself at times

@SequinPie Getting out of the house is really important, even if it is only a walk and stop for coffee! Yes I was a real worry wort, and it took lots of time to build my confidence. I thought if I didn't get things right I was the worst mum in the world!
You're doing great! 😊

Getting out the house is hard, but once you master it, the world is your oyster!

Our days when LO was that age was to breakfast/potter/dress til about 9.30, then out the house til 11.30 (groups, errands, park only if I was brave), lunch, nap, tv, playing and chaos til tea time and then I’d check out as soon as DH arrived home.

Don’t think you have to do chores on your own time - they’re an excellent way of filling a day with a toddler. What used to be nipping in to the post office can be a morning’s entertainment now. You can do laundry etc while LO is eating (assuming washer is in kitchen) or build it in to LO’s morning routine if it’s not.

Also remember activities don’t have to be Pinterest-worthy. Throwing screwed up paper in a basket/at each other is fun. I used to throw beanbags for LO to fetch. LO spent happy minutes once building a wall or train line or whatever out of a new pack of sponges.

You’ll get there.

(Also remember that people who’ve been doing this forever find wintery days home with toddlers really hard - be kind to yourself!)

Also, don't be afraid to ask for help with housework. I have found the best way is to ask for something specific and time limited e.g would you help by doing a load of laundry once a week for four weeks. It is amazing how many people are happy to help out when they have something clear cut

I think it would really help new adopters if they thought of themselves as parents of newborns, whatever the age of the child.
Its such early days, you have a little stranger, you are going to be knackered
Cut your self some slack, a bit of dust won't kill you, bunging a ready meal in the oven instead of cooking won't hurt. The weather is getting better, go out, look at the daffs and enjoy your new daughter.
And just because your husband is going back to work doesnt mean that he cant stick the washing on.

I think everyone above has said it all really, but I'd like to re-iterate the 'routine' and 'getting out of the house' bits as they kept me sane.
We had a school age and 2.5 placed together so we had to go out twice a day for the school run.
Toddler groups kept me sane, going swimming used up a whole hunk of time, feeding the ducks, going to the park, going to the train station to wave at the trains. It's easier when the weather improves.
TV is fine in short bursts to give you time for a coffee or to put a wash on. Young children can help sort washing when it comes out (not sure how young).
I found things got considerably easier after 3 months.

Thinking of you, you sound like you are doing brilliantly.