Keeping in touch with foster carers

[Ifeel1000yearsold]

I’m a foster carer and adopter. I’ve been around this board a long time although have had a few names changes for security reasons.
I was wondering if any of you would be comfortable sharing whether you’ve encouraged an ongoing relationship with foster carers after your children have been placed and the reasons for your decision. I’m doing some research around this and am really interested to hear your views. Specifically when your child saw the foster carers again after being placed with you, what the time frame was and how you felt it went. Would also be interested in the advice social workers gave around this area.
Thanks in advance.

@iusedtohavechickens, ..... my experience of foster carers was she was totally a d only interested in the money.... screamed at me in front of the children about having to pay for parking during contact..... inappropriately dressed the children I the winter to the point where they developed serious chest infections and were given inhalers... and she still dressed them in next to nothing.... refused to take them to recommended therapeutic interventions because it ‘didn’t suit her schedule’, ... my DG incurred an internal injury in her care and a fractured jaw. I hope they never see her again.

@SimonJT...... not unfami,right with my experience of FCs.... glue ear and chest infections caused by their lips lack of appropriate clothing...refusal to engage with SALT on the premise of ‘ we’ll wait till,they e got permanacy’.... diagnosis of significant differences in sensory integration and AD and refusal to engage NAS early bird because it clashed with her own commitments.....inappropriate clothing/shoes (I’ll fitting shoes from sainsburies), screaming in my face during contact for various reasons; cost of parking/ her husbands day off...). Multiple injuries to the children while in her care... including internal injuries........screaming at the LOs when they cried and telling them to shut up.....calling one of them ‘a nightmare’ ( he’s ASD). she was being paid in excess of 1.5k a week..... I honestly wanted to slap her but had to bite my tongue on every occasion. And yes, as someone asked, of course they have professional standards and there is a complains procedure, but who honestly has the time a d guy to pursue it. Of course there are amazing, committed FCs things there, as comments on this thread have attested, but there are many out there for whom it’s simply a money game.

If I thought foster carers had injured a child in their care nothing would stop me going through the review and complaints process.

I believe me I tried. Totally blocked by the LA. I’m currently in a complaints process with the SW professional body. Im not letting it
go

@jellycatspyjamas A common come back is for the LA to threaten to disrupt the adoption when that happens. My social worker had sadly experienced that many times, I kept records, photos etc and presented it to the LA after his adoption was finalised. This information has been ‘lost’ three times so far. They are now asking for original copies of hospital discharge notes, photos etc so they can also be lost.

So horrible and shocking. I am so sorry for the poor children involved. Chikdren can be failed and abused by anyone who comes onto contact with them. I am so sorry.

Children in care are incredibly vulnerable to mistreatment, and according to people who have got through it and spoken about it as adults, it is likely to be extremely common.

Children in care are incredibly vulnerable to mistreatment

I often wonder if this is due to a denial of how hard it is looking after "someone else's child". FCs in particular are increasingly encouraged not to 'claim' children, and the system means that it's endlessly made clear to FCs that these children are not theirs, that it's a 'job'. I wonder if support and acknowledgement that this is a strain could help reduce the incidence of abuse in care? I don't know the answer, but I know it's much easier looking after my own (birth and adopted) children than looking after other peoples.

Our FC was not very good. We have lost touch through her choice, though.

It's so sad reading about fc who are awful!

We are told that these aren't our own children and we know that but it doesn't mean that they have to feel that is the case! I love all our children and one teenager told us that I was the only carer she's had that has treated her the same as our own children.

For children to be able to form good attachments they have to attach to the foster carer so although these children aren't yours you can still care for them and live them like your own to help them realise what a healthy relationship is. Anyone who thinks fostering is easy is wrong, it's hard work but so bloody rewarding! We take our LO to Disneyland Paris with us every year with our children to watch new year fireworks and at Xmas they have the same spent on them. I know of a couple of carers who have clearly gone into fostering for the money, one child we had came from one of them after 8 months and arrived with 3 bags of belongings. Broke my heart that he came to me with virtually nothing and clothing that was too small, complained to sw but nothing was ever done about it 😢 when he left us a year later I had to do two trips in my car to drop all his stuff off because he got everything he needed and more while with us 😁

I do understand how hard it is to build an attachment, knowing that child is going to ultimately leave you.. it must be heartbreaking and on some level you have to step back and protect yourself... but at the other end the. Are foster carers that simply couldn’t care less... it’s about the money/ their ego... surely there are guidance docs/ support for fosters/ complaints procedures....

@iusedtohavechickens....our FC sent stiff back because she didn’t have space.... I sent one suitcase during a respite placement ... out LOs belongings took up a storage hanger in excess of 12 ft x 12 ft... she had a drawer for each one... no space anywhere in her house for toys, etc... she had two other children..one of her own and another long term FC...n she did repeatedly ask me to give her money/ provide stuff though.. I understand you have to protect your heart and stand back a bit, but my god, doesn’t allow you to be cold?

@defaultusername, that’s a really,good point... I know that FCs have their own SW to support them, but whether they get any counselling to help them deal with the emotions that arise during and after foster placement I have no idea.

I'm a foster carer currently doing a transition to permanency. There are so many sad posts on this thread. Our family is currently feeling very sad at the thought of our little one moving on, we are simultaneously joyful that they will have such a loving family to be there for them in the years to come. The child has been at the heart of all planning, all focus has been on them. I hope the new family keep some form of contact, it's hard when children just disappear from our lives, my birth children also get very sad about it. However most important is the child bonding with the new family. If the parents don't think ongoing contact will be helpful I respect that. If it is ongoing it is entirely on their terms. As for the children neglected in foster care I find it hard to believe that SWs are turning a blind eye. I think in our LA they are very procedurally correct and quick to intervene and give advice, guidance, extra training etc. At least I hope so. Our children also move on with a couple of van trips for their belongings. However I am aware that some will destroy most everything they are given and so have very little.

@defaultusername what I was referring to was being vulnerable to serious abuse, by abusive people. But I think you are right too, about looking after other people's children.

It is also the case that well meaning people can find it harder to cope than they expected.

But having said that, there are going to be indicators that people won't be able to cope at selection. We all have the propensity to flip our lids, but those who do it often and with intensity are going to have unresolved trauma or feelings of their own are too likely to become abusive and therefore not suitable for caring for children.

In relation to how foster carers should behave - not claim/be attached - I think that this is down to shortfalls in guidance.

I imagine that the very worst thing about being in care is living day after day year after year without love - without someone truly having your back.

I doubt that the current guidance instructing foster carers is backed up by research.

I agree with what you say about attachment @iusedtohavechickens

@fr2blower

I think the sort of neglect mentioned on this thread could well come from 'good' people, who are doing what they think of as their best, not just 'abusive people'. I think many more people have the potential to be abusive than we realise, and that putting them under unsupported strain caring for 'other people's children' may precipitate that. There are few good people, and few evil people, lots and lots of imperfect people with the potential to be either.

I think it's impossible to claim a child like a parent, and then lose that child, over and over again. If any FC really attaches and loves a child as their own, then moved them on, over and over, no human could survive that and stay sane. If I lost a child of mine, I would never recover, and I certainly couldn't return to the people who took my child, and accept to do it all over again. Any FC who really attached as a parent would burn out very quickly.

I'm sorry to any FC here who says they love their foster children as they love their own children, but I don't believe you. And I believe that does affect the care provided, through no fault of the carer, or the child. I believe denial of that can lead to neglect and abuse.

There are few good people, and few evil people, lots and lots of imperfect people with the potential to be either I don't agree - but it is a moot point - the point I made (and it wasn't related to this thread, I was responding to what a pp had said about abusive people being everywhere) was that children in care are vulnerable to serious abuse by abusive people - and another way of putting it is that abusers target vulnerable people.

It isn't what the thread was about, as I say, I was responding to what a pp had said about there being abusive people everywhere. Which is true. But a child who has a stable home, connection with his parents, a mother who is all over everything is not going to be a target in the same way a child in care is.

Serious abuse by abusive people is very widespread, all over society.

i do think most parents are doing the best they can, though some may become abusive notwithstanding.

I also believe that @iusedtohavechickens loves in way she says! I think people who are good at loving are good at loving. If you are emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent, you can love with an awareness that you will not be together forever, if that applies. Isn't that what parenting is about anyway?! We bring up our kids, love them to pieces, then they bugger off and lead their own lives

Isn't that what parenting is about anyway?! We bring up our kids, love them to pieces, then they bugger off and lead their own lives

I absolutely agree with this. Its what I try to explain to people who say "I'd love to foster but I couldn't give them back."

Also I don't love every child as I love my own. Some only come for a couple of nights. Some are intensely involved with their families and just marking time till they go back etc. However I would hope that I treat every child who comes to me as I treat my own, providing warmth and safety and meeting their individual needs. Isn't this the stuff love grows from?

Had some lovely messages and updates from several mum's today mothers day on how well the children are doing, dead choked . Made our day too see so many happy smiley children. Makes it all worthwhile.

Thanks everyone for sharing your experience. Really interesting.

My DD was 7 months old when she moved in with me. She moved in on the Monday, had a visit from fc on Wed and again on Friday. Two weeks later on the Friday fc visited again. All of these visits were part of the process set up by the LA and all were incredibly positive. The two weeks later one was quite remarkable. DD was delighted to see fc, happily waved her off and then remained in a good mood for the next few days. It really seemed to settle her. We didn’t then see FC for about three weeks but after that saw her every three or four weeks during my adoption leave year. When DD was 11 months old, FC had another LG placed with her who was only two weeks older. So, we met regularly at play cafes and soft play.
When DD turned 1, the only person who’s name she knew outside of my immediate family was her FC.
DD and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary the week lockdown was announced. We visited FC the week before and have video messaged her every three or four weeks since. DD loves video messaging FC and gets very excited about it. After a few weeks she starts talking about FC a lot again and I know she misses her and wants to video message her. FC will be one of the first people we visit when we start socialising again.
I still have a picture of DD and FC in the first day DD visited home on the mantelpiece an DD points to it and it and talks about her regularly.
I believe regular contact with her FC has been brilliant for my DD. She’s not confused about who her mummy is and where she lives but continues to love her FC dearly. She is still very young at just 22 months so it’s hard to tell what the long-term benefits will be but I feel regular contact with FC has really helped her to feel secure with me over the last year. I have never experienced anything negative in the ongoing contact for me or DD, only positive.
I didn’t assume in advance that this contact would be as positive as it has been. I didn’t know what to expect.
We are lucky because DD was only FC’s second placement, so FC was really keen to stay in touch. I’m also lucky that we get on, and that the new placement LG was the same age. However, I would advise any new adopter to maintain regular contact for as long a possible.

Our foster parents are (on the whole) wonderful and we struck up such a good relationship with them and found them so supportive during introductions that we have decided to very much keep them in LOs life as an auntie and uncle. That said they are long distance so we are probably going to physically visit them twice a year (also so he can remain a link to his birthplace) and if we were to have big celebrations they would be invited (maybe not a small bday party but like a wedding or adoption related celebration). We speak to them most days on whatsapp and give them update photos and we know a lot about their lives too. We generally have a video call perhaps once a month. There have been times I've questioned the level of familiarity. Sometimes I've felt the contact was a little too much and worried if it was sustainable. And I've had to be diplomatic s couple of times where things have been suggested like us staying at their house when we visit which to me would be unhelpful for LO but overall we are really glad we've kept them in our lives. We haven't physically been able to visit them yet due to covid but we would've planned to visit roughly 6 months after placement and we had video calls about 2 months after he came home once he'd settled

We only met our kids’ foster carers once - about 3-4 months after they were placed with us. Currently we exchange messages every now and again, but we have no intention of meeting with them personally with the kids, despite the foster carers saying many times that they wish to see them. Our kids were the first children placed with them, so they became very attached to them and found it really difficult to let go. For example, initially when they moved in with us they used to send us messages too frequently and one day we had a chat over video and they made a really inappropriate comment to the children. The reasons why we don’t feel this is right for are children are:

-Our youngest was 1.5 years old when we adopted him. When we met with the foster carers the first time after placement, it was really unsettling and had a negative impact on him. He was with the foster carers since he was a baby, so it’s very difficult for him to understand the situation - in his little head the foster carers are the only family he has ever known before us. We feel that it would only be appropriate for him to meet them again when he is older and understands his situation better. For example around 4-5 years of age.
-Whenever we ask our eldest if he wants to meet with the foster carers he always says no, even when we explain to him that we can meet with them only for 30 mins as friends in a park or something, so that they can give them some gifts. We don’t feel it’s appropriate to force our child to meet with the foster carers against their will.
-The foster carers and ourselves are very very different and didn’t really get along from the start, From day one they expressed that they weren’t happy with us adopting the children (we are a same-sex couple) and as a result the whole transition experience was a bit difficult for us. They have always been a little bit overbearing and found it difficult to understand that we were the kids’ parents. In their head they basically treated us as if we were some temporary family.
-We don’t feel there is a need for our children to meet the foster carers. They are settled, happy, and when we talk about their past of their foster carers they never express any interest in seeing them or meeting them again.

Oops - I appear to have reopened a can of worms that reading back now got pretty complicated previously. I hope it’s useful at least for OP.
I wanted to respond to this post because I’ve been quite surprised and very moved by how positive the ongoing relationship between DD and FC has been. As I said though, we were very lucky that FC was supportive and non-intrusive right from the start.
When I said I’d advise others to stay in contact, I meant if they were in doubt as to how important the ongoing relationship is - I feel there are quite mixed messages from SWs about whether it’s better to stay closely linked or to create some distance. Maybe though that’s because they know a lot better than me that not all FCs are equal.
Ultimately, we all have to make our own decisions based on what we think is best for our LOs.
It sounds to me @UKABC that you and your partner have made absolutely the right decision.