How did you decide on adoption?

[readmycards]

Hi everyone,

Myself and my partner are looking for some help. Please go easy! It's been a whirlwind and we are just looking for abit of information. We are by no means saying adoption is completely for us as we understand it's probably one of the hardest things a couple could go through!

This is our situation:

I'm 23, partner is 26.

We have been trying for a baby for 2 years however we have had 4 losses. We are still choosing to take the path of investigations and possibly trying for IVF, however part of me is wondering if maybe we are meant to adopt and maybe that's why we are having this struggle.

I've always wanted to adopt anyways, as a teenager I'd always be asking my mum to adopt me another sibling as I just feel there is to many children in this world without a home.

Before we start this journey of course we need to finish the one we are on, but how and when?! How did you know when to stop trying for a biological child and start the adoption process?

We are still currently doing up our home, so that would have to be completely finished before hand of course. But I'm just wondering if there is anyone out there who could shed some light on what it's REALLY like to adopt?

How old was you?
How did they match you up with a child?
Was you nervous you would let the child down?
Do you get a lot of support from social services?
How did you learn about attachment and traumas?
Did any of you struggle to bond?
What about pets? We have a lovely little doggy who we love so much, what about if a child they think would be suitable for us didn't like animals? Would we be able to say we aren't willing to part with her?
Obviously we are young - so we would want a child who reflects our age, do they consider this?
Is there any books I should read?

Most importantly - are you happy if you adopted?

Hello,

I’m going to answer your most important question first. Wonderfully happy!!!!! we adopted our LO 7 months ago he was 20 months old and we absolutely adore him he’s our world.

The biggest fear we had was if we would be able to love someone else’s biological child (this is a very common fear for prospective adopters) we have no birth children but I can honestly say the connection we have is so strong all of our friends our just convinced it was meant to be!

There’s a fascinating study shared on the Netflix Babies documentary series 1 episode 1 years of research had been done on biological and committed parenting attachment and bonding. If you want to love, you WILL love.

We have a dog, it wasn’t an issue as he’s well behaved and good with children etc but I would honestly say just go to an information evening when you’re ready all of this little things you’re worrying about you will be surprised at how much they want to help you get there!

We did IVF for many years. Adopting a child will never replace having you’re own child. He/she will never have your features I would honestly say the day you can accept that you won’t have that but you can become a parent is a starting block!

Take the time you need to grieve if that’s what you decide to do. it’s a massive decision and one day may need to explain how you made your decision to your adopted child.

I can’t quite believe it some days, that after all that heartache we are actually a family doing every day family things like everyone else.
I wish you the very, very best xx

I was comparitively ancient compared to you ! 42 when I applied, 46 when my son came home, knackered mum of a 15 year old now.
I'm also single so followed a very different path to you.
I think most adopters are older 30s to 40s but thats to do more with people getting married/partnered up later and then long fertility/ treatment journeys.
To answer some of your specific questions
Yes I'm glad I adopted, my son is an amazing and brave young man. He is happy, settled and doing well. I am incredibly proud of him. We have had many adventures together and its a privilege to see the young adult he is growing into.
Its also been incredibly hard work. I have managed to keep working but only part time. Ive just gone up from three to four days a week and even though he is quite independent in many ways, Im finding it tough.
The last 8 years have seen plenty of drama, challenges and heartache, We had theraputic interventions, we came out the other side but the process was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausting. It had to be done but it was the toughest experience of my life. We are on the whole stable now, but there are some significant issues still to face in the next couple of years.

Personally no we didnt have too much of a problem bonding. But my son was older, understood more, had been in foster care for a long time. He was very ready for a new mummy. I can pretty much pinpoint the 'bonding' moment - he fell off a slide on day 5 of intros and smacked his head, he bawled his head off but came to me for comfort and we've never looked back. But some people do struggle to bond and post adoption depression is as real a thing as post natal depression.
I learnt most about attachment and trauma by following the experiences of other adopters on forums.
Support from social services varies widely.
I think most adopters are worried about letting the children down, at least at some point. I was terrified when my son came home, decisions about education in particular were agonising. In my head I know I'm doing the best I can, but sometimes my emotions run away from me.
Matching is probably the hardest part of the whole process. You can express some preferences around age, sex, number of children, what needs you think you can meet.
Lots of people adopt with pets, they can be very theraputic for children, my son loves our moggy. However, if push comes to shove, SWs want to know that you will put the child first. It doesnt happen often but yes sometimes pets do have to be rehomed.

As you say you have to finish the journey you are on, its not something I experienced so cant comment on how you know when to call time. But to be honest, I think its probably better not to cloud things by thinking too much about adoption at this stage, You know adoption is there to return to. Look into your treatment options, and take it from there
Good luck

I was older too - 45 when our DC were placed with us. We knew we were done ttc long before we decided on adoption - we decided initially to accept we wouldn’t be parents and were ok with a child free lifestyle but then changed our mind.

We were matched with two children (siblings) whose needs we felt able to meet. I think the acceptance of not having biological children is important as @HoolaHoola20
says but I’d also add that both children physically “fit” in my family in that they have the same colouring, physical appearance and mannerisms as other members of my family. Totally by coincidence it has to be said, but they do have our family features.

We’ve not needed support from social work, though we have a lot of support from health and education to support my DDs specific needs. I knew about attachment, bonding and trauma from my professional background but it’s very different knowing it for other kids and “knowing” it for your own. I really struggled to love my DD for lots of reasons I won’t go into here - 3 years later and she’s like the other half of me, I’d literally kill for both my DC.

Adoption isn’t for the faint hearted, but it’s a really lovely way of building your family too - hard work but so very worthwhile. I’d echo what @ted27 said, don’t give it too much thought just yet; finish the path you’re on just now and if it doesn’t work out take some time to heal. Adoption is always an option for you and you’re young enough to take some time working it through.

I can't give any advice on the post adoption part but like you we tried and failed to have a biological child. I was 34 when we first started trying and 39 when we stopped IVF and applied to adopt. I knew it was time to stop IVF when I looked back and realised I had just missed 5 years of my life. 5 years of being hormonal, miserable, mourning losses and not making future plans just in case we got lucky. I honestly wish, and my husband has said this too, that we should have stopped trying to conceive earlier and started the adoption process years before we did. Life's too short to try and force something that obviously just isn't meant to be and that's fine with me. I can't wait till we meet our child/children.

Hi,
Very, very happy and very, very tired!
Late 30s
Wanted to adopt when married but husband would only consider birth children. After divorce (and recovery) I was determined to adopt and I'm so glad I did.
Adoption is hard work for the child/ren and parent/s but for me it was absolutely the way forward. No regrets, just tired. Lots of pride and cuddles, usual and extra parental worries, decisions to be made etc.
Match suggested the month after approval - I already knew the family finder SW for my child - saw a picture and was determined to be her mum (can be a complex decision making process for some I know and quite rightly).
Yes every day I question/think about doing the right thing, ranging from bed times to letterbox contact. Mum guilt working well here!
There were times in the first year when I had quite a bit of support (mainly just me talking to SWs willing to listen at support group), and I still feel confident it's there if I needed it.
I found about attachment and trauma through my own career, was a lurker on Adoption UK forum for years before adopting and since, some info from social workers, reading and parenting.
Didn't struggle to bond, but I am still struck regularly (a few years in) that now I love her even more.
There's loads to read. I started with No Matter What.
I agree about pets often being great (we have them) but they can't be your priority.
Your whole life will be considered with social workers so that you are linked with children you can support well, age/experiences included.
Good luck!

Hello :)

Most of your questions have been well answered but I thought I'd weigh in on age. We're both 28 and feel like pretty young adopters, we were the youngest on the training course for example.

We chose to adopt rather than trying to conceive. We're both women so conceiving would have been complicated anyway but neither of us wanted to get pregnant. We haven't met our kid yet (panel is tomorrow!!).

However even though this was our first choice I have found myself feeling quite jealous of a friend whose currently pregnant, and that was something I had to work through. It really took me by surprise.

You can choose the age range and they take that into account. We chose 0-2 partly because of our age. You can change your criteria during the process though, we initially considered siblings but decided during Stage 2 that would probably be too much for us at this stage, and it wasn't a problem to change.

Being younger isn't an issue and we get along well with our friends from training etc. However sometimes we're disadvantaged by our age in some respects e.g financially, we're not as established as some couples and this did come up during the assessment. We're at the start of our careers and they were concerned I might regret taking a year off (I hate my job and I'm not really career minded, they seemed happy with that!).

Now if everything goes well we'll be bringing our son home later this month and we're really excited.

Hey there! Please bear in mind I'm relatively early days in placement although it doesn't feel like it (LOs been home 4.5 months) but I'll try to answer your Qs as honestly and best as I can!

• I was 31, my partner 33 (30/32 when started process)
• We primarily used Linkmaker for matching. You'll become familiar with it bit it's basically an online profile searching service where both profiles of adopters and children are uploaded and with help of your social worker you can both make requests for more info about a child or the child's social worker can enquire about you. It's long winded but you'll get a more in-depth explanation if and when you start the process. There is some more "manual" searching that happens and depending on your agency your social worker may have a particular child in mind but Linkmaker is increasingly becoming the method by which to make matches. The best thing I can honestly liken it to though I know it sounds a little vulgar to ppl who haven't seen it is an online dating site! For us it worked well. Downsides are you have to be resilient against disappointment as you'll often not hear back from msgs you send and will get rejections but the plus side is it opens you up to search nationally rather than just in your area and it's a much more streamlined efficient process. We found our son through making an enquiry after seeing his profile. From there we were shortlisted down and then received a home visit from his worker after which we were formally matched. How this particular process works in practice is quite agency specific (usually led more so by the child's agency than yours)
• yes I did get worried about letting him down. Not for any really rational reasons but more in the general sense that you think and fret about these things as a first time parent. That's completely natural. I did however feel quite strongly based on his background we were the right family to give him the childhood and security he needed.
• hmmm. My experience of support has been that we got a lot of very good emotional support from our own agency throughout stage 2 and matching. Stage 1 felt quite clinical and I think they could have done more to make us feel reassured and welcome to the process but tbh stage 1 is really quite an administrative stage so I can forgive them that. We have been really fortunate to have excellent workers ourselves. However whilst our LOs agency workers are lovely people support hasn't really been tangible and we've never really been given a concrete answer about anything practical we might expect to receive from them by way of support after adoption as he grows older. You'll notice quite quickly that adopters will talk about the variability of post adoption support. We are not anticipating needing anything particularly specialist and how much of a concern this is to you may he dependent on whether your match has any additional needs but either way I really would make this a key criteria when deciding on agencies. Many adopters understinate how much post adoption support packages become important to them post placement.
• we learnt a lot from reading reading reading and a bit of YouTube! When you adopt you discuss trauma and attachment a lot through prep groups and your reflective work so you'll have lots of opportunities to be signposted to resources on this.
• I wouldn't go so far as to say I struggled to bond as we've had a reasonably easy ride of or since placed and I generally think we bonded fairly quickly as a family. However I was NOT prepared for how depressed and lonely and isolated I would feel in the first few weeks and the sense of your child being this alien in your home that you are trying to decode and understand and the whole thing being very real. I'm sad to say there were days o was quite impatient with my LO which was really me projecting my insecurity and that I was worried it wasn't going to work out. That said tho looking back it felt like forever that really was just a period of a tough 2-3 weeks and the feelings passed. True bonding happens incrementally in the little things. My advice around this sounds really negative but however well you believe intros to have gone be prepared for your child to act and behave very differently when home. I massively underestimated this at the time and then panicked when we got home something had "gone wrong". In fact we were just going through a very understandable adjustment period
• we only have a cat so wasn't a Biggie in our assessment but dogs can be more if a talking point. The social worker will want to see that you would be able to prioritise the child if push came to shove and this is something you do need to ponder on. It's unlikely to ever come to this but is worth considering
• you'll notice there is a discrepancy between "official" adoption info and the reality. I found that there was a lot of supposed "mythbusting" by agencies to attract people to adopt stating that age finances etc was not a factor in matching but in reality I've found it to be the case. As a relatively young couple it was assumed we would want a very young baby which wasn't necessarily the case. And some older adopters have struggled to be matched to children under 5. However this is very much about agency's attitudes and I would have a transparent convo with them on application about this so you know you're in same page. Ultimately you choose an age bracket but the agency i found will steer you to the age group they think appropriate and can choose to support or not support you in your choice at panel. That said mostly they will just help you reflect on why that age
• I'm so happy I adopted I genuinely am. I won't lie. It has been a long arduous journey and I will be honest in saying I don't have the energy for it again for some time because it has been in its own way rewarding but incredibly emotionally draining. But there is not a day that goes by where I am not struck by the wonder of how we got from that first day of enquiry to where we are now as a family and I am so thankful to have LO in our lives xxx

Our adoption process is I think a little unusual, was working as a paediatric /midwife on SCBU three homegrown dc's life idyllic when a baby with Down Syndrome arrived on the ward. He was quite poorly but after 3 weeks he started to feed. I excitedly told his parents who said they would not be taking him home.
I was so upset I went home and gently suggested could we be his family my delightful children 10,12, &13 fell on the floor shrieking with laughter we were far too old 34 & 36! !
A few months later he was living with us, he is now 37 and has been joined by 4 more!
This was as you can work out many years ago but I regret nothing including the 3 precious ones who have sadly died.
Good luck

Hi!

So...

1. I was 34 the first time and my husband was 46. 38 and 50 the second. I was considered v young for an adopter!

1. Big boy- we saw his profile at a matching event a mere days after approval (we hadn't been ratified) and four months later he had moved in. Little one- in house match. We were told about him when he was two weeks old and we had a joint approval and matching panel for him to move in at four months.

1. Every day. Not sure that is specific to adopters!

1. To be honest, we have not asked for any or really needed it.

1. Mostly on these boards and by really listening to people's experiences even if it was not what I always wanted to hear.

1. No- we had it easy. They were fairly undemanding and seriously cute babies.

1. I have no pets.

1. I should think they would.

1. I actually find the boards and listening to adoptees' voices most useful.

10. Permanently knackered. Always mildly sweaty and a bit sticky. Very happy.

I call myself an accidental adopter.

I was asked to temporarily care for my sisters son who had just left hospital (underweight, multiple physical injuries and just recovered from Men C). He never left, he was a few months shy of two when he came to live with me, he turns five in June.

I think I have been very lucky, my son settled well and he has formed a very good attachment to me, but he is also happy to occasionally be cared for by other people.

SS for me have been absolutely useless, so don’t think you will be able to rely on them for support.

I was 29 and single, I had a cat.

A big thing is don’t be hard on yourself, it isn’t about being the perfect parent, it’s about being good enough.

We had a miscarriage and that was it. We tried again for 2 years and failed to conceive and so went for tests. The outcome of them was that the only viable way for us to become pregnant was to undergo IVF. I refused to put my body through the stress of IVF and adoption came up as a few years earlier when we'd started trying for a family we'd actually discussed would we adopt if we couldn't have kids naturally. It took hubby time to get his head around the idea but it was either adopt or remain childless and in the end he decided he wanted a family.

I'm very sorry for losses.

To answer your questions @readmycards

How old was you? 49
How did they match you up with a child? county council adoption services
Was you nervous you would let the child down? of course
Do you get a lot of support from social services? I do, and I always ask for help if I need it.
How did you learn about attachment and traumas? through preparation and also here
Did any of you struggle to bond? Not initially, but lately at 9 he is getting very independent and we don't feel as close at the moment.
What about pets? We have a lovely little doggy who we love so much, what about if a child they think would be suitable for us didn't like animals? Would we be able to say we aren't willing to part with her?
We had a cat and there were no issues. You can choose not to adopt a specific child because they are allergic to pets or whatever but if/when you do adopt if your child then developed an allergy or could not get along with a pet you would be expected to do what is best for the child, of course.
Obviously we are young - so we would want a child who reflects our age, do they consider this? you can specify the age you are interested in adopting.
Is there any books I should read? loads, Dan Hughes is worth a look.

Most importantly - are you happy if you adopted? yes, I love my son very much.