Rewriting life story book

[sunshineandskyscrapers]

DS is 4 and cannot remember a time when he didn't live with me. I have drip fed him bits of his life story. He also has a photo album exclusively covering his time in foster care which we sometimes talk through. He doesn't ask many questions though, and doesn't seem very interested. His life story book came very late, more than two years after the adoption order. I got some changes made to it - there were factual inaccuracies and the meatier parts were worded as if for an adult. But in spite of the changes I'd say it's still pitched to at least 8+, and without going into detail, I don't like it and it isn't fit for purpose.

I've read Joy Rees's book and I'm all set to redo the life story book from scratch using the format she proposes, which I am completely sold on.

I feel I can do a decent job on this. However I've got three niggles. If anyone has experience with any of these I'd love to know how you dealt with them.

The first (easiest) one is the format. I know life story books are typically loose leaf. I am not much of a scrapbooker and was actually thinking of doing something a bit more permanent looking like a photo book. I realise this stops it being continued but is rather a point in time. I think I'd be okay with this but interested in what others have done.

Secondly there is a huge gap in information around introductions and specifically no photos apart from the few I took of ds on his own. A group photo was taken by the SW but due to staff changes and two years passing nobody, and I've checked, knows where it is. I am still in occasional phone contact with FC although we haven't seen each other since intros. She would love for us to go and see her, which I am tempted to do. We won't be able to relive introductions but it would give us a chance to take some photos and put the FC back in DS's memory. It might seem a bit contrived now but years down the line it could be something worth looking back on and may just plug the gap. Good idea or bad idea?

And finally, I'd be especially interested to hear from anyone whose DC has a sibling that remained with the birth family and how this is presented in the life story book, or indeed how you've discussed it. We all know the narrative of the parent(s) who couldn't care for DC or couldn't keep DC safe and this is all finalised by the wise old judge. How do you present that story when another wise old judge two years later says the exact opposite about parenting a younger sibling? I've only touched on this very briefly with ds and he thinks it is some kind of pretend play. I can only imagine as he gets older and understands more this could be a sticking point as it seems so illogical.

On your second question, I personally wouldn’t go back and fill in - presumably photos taken now would include your 4 year old DS which might feel quite confusing if you try to use those photos to fill the gap. I think there being gaps in our DCs story is part and parcel of adoption, rather than trying to recreate I’d put in photos of him at that time, a photo or two of you and DH at that time in your life and if you’ve got photos of the foster carers around then and talk him through it. It keeps things clean and there’s are other photos of him and his foster carers to help him hold them in mind.

In terms of the third, I’ve made the decision to wait until my DC are older to talk about their younger sibling who is still with birth mum. There are a couple of reasons for this - I’m not entirely sure the sibling may not end up in care down the line and want to see how that plays out longer term, my two are still struggling to understand why they were removed and introducing a sibling who stayed at this point would reinforce some unhealthy views they have about themselves. I plan to talk to them about younger sibling as they get older in the way I’ll share their later life letter when they’re able to understand better some of the complexities there. It’s not in their life story book because that covers the time before they came to us and intros/settling in, and that’s continued in photo books they have ongoing.

How do you present that story when another wise old judge two years later says the exact opposite about parenting a younger sibling?

“When you were born from X’s tummy the wise judge said that X didn’t know how to be a mummy and keep you safe. So you needed a forever family to love you and care for you.”

“Later, another baby grew in X’s tummy. The new baby was called A.

“X had been learning how to be mummy and keep babies safe and warm and cared for. So the wise judge said X could be A’s forever mummy.”

I think under 6s are concrete enough thinkers to accept that reasoning. Eg “When I was little I wasn’t good at skipping/climbing trees/whatever so it wasn’t very safe for me to try and I didn’t do those things. Now I am older and I have learnt those skills and can do those things safely.”

Better to slip it in early while it still sounds like a neutral fact, it makes sense and they just accept it.

If you save it until later, those feelings of comparison and rejection are more likely to arise when they learn the information.

I think much depends on the particular circumstances tbh, there are very good reasons in our case to hold off on talking about it til my two are older - a decision which is supported by the professionals involved particularly with my DD.

Is it worth talking about it with your DCs SW?

I had a similar situation to you in regards to your third question. Subsequent siblings have stayed with birth mum.

I drop fed it in from about age 4 or 5 that BM had gone on to have another baby / babies and that SW were working with her try help her learn how to look after them. This has been enough for DD to a point. I’m under no illusions further questions will crop up as she hits teens but she’s 10 at the moment and fairly clear in her head as to why BM couldn’t look after her and why SW were helping BM to try and look after the others. I’ve always been honest with her about reasons why BM couldn’t keep her safe and also clear that in her case BM wanted the best for her but essentially couldn’t get her shit together to protect her (obviously worded much better than that!)

I think what jellycat says about it being very specific to individual circumstances is absolutely right. It was hard (for me) to do the initial drip feed when DD was relatively small ‘BM has had another baby and SW are trying to help her learn etc etc’ but DD took it in her stride and because it was a gradual drip feed it doesn’t appear to faze her too much at this point. I think keeping lines of communication open is key and always being willing to answer any questions about birth family as honestly and age appropriately as you can.

I have redone ours into photo book albums. Photos of time with FCs are in one book, a very simplified version of her life story and photos from contact sessions in another and a third contains photos from our transition and first few months as a family. I now do a photo book every year on a month by month basis with a photo spread of specific events like birthdays and Christmas.

Thanks everyone for your views and ideas. I particularly liked the wording around not having learned the skills yet to be a mummy. Whether or not the sibling makes it into the book, at least if I start on that note of not having learnt yet, I won't trip myself up later.

I can't really see any reason to hold back on the sibling, apart from it perhaps being a bit much to take in all at once. Although we talk about foster carers, he's not really up to speed yet with having birth parents, because he's barely on board with the general fact of babies being in a mummy's tummy and then being born.

He doesn't have a SW or any other kind of suitably qualified professional to ask for a steer as he isn't presenting with any issues. It hadn't crossed my mind to delay telling him about his sibling and having read the comments it seems to be better to go for earlier to avoid nasty surprises, which is what I was aiming for. It was really just the justification that I was struggling with, but the comments have really helped. Thanks again.

Good luck! It is always nerve wracking, isn’t it?

I’m wondering why you’ve chosen to never see the foster carer again. I’m doing a bit of research (as a foster carer and adopter) on this so if you’re comfortable sharing it would be useful for me. Obviously no problem if not.
I would ask fc for photos of the house/her family/little one with her family etc to include. She could write him a little note to include about his time there and you could write some info about intros.

His time with the FC is very well documented. She really went above and beyond with this. I am just disappointed that we took the trouble to take a group photo but it never made it to us.

I said we hadn't seen the FC since intros. I didn't say I had decided never to see the FC again. It hasn't happened so far, but I am considering it.

Glad the fc provided lots of information for your LO. I wrongly assumed when you said there was a huge gap in information around introductions you didn’t have much from that time. Disappointing about the photo but foster carer might be able to help with any other missing information you have from around that time.