Life story work, how young?

[veejayteekay]

Hi guys long time no post so j hope you are all doing well. I just had a question around how you have approached your child's life story. J hear quite a lot of ppl talking about how they've approached things as their child has got older but not so much when they are very young how those first conversations were started.

My partner and I adopted a little boy who has been home almost 4 months and is almost 17 months old. Clearly he is very young and would likely have no concept of much at this stage but I am interested as to how you guys started conversations as young as possible and how you approached them? He has some challenging issues associated with his adoption (not unusual there of course I know) and some aspects we feel wouldn't be appropriate to share with him til he is a little older (BM was sex working, BF has some sexual convictions and there are themes of domestic abuse and drug and alcohol use). However we subscribe for he belief that a child learning they are adopted should be a gradual, natural, empathic process whereby they don't ever remember one huge conversation and that it is something to be celebrated but also comes with sensitivities to handle. We therefore want to bring him up from his early years with a strong sense of self identify, help to minimise any shame he may feel, and help him feel we are open and honest about any questions he would like to come to us with.

This may be hard to answer but at what age did you start introducing the theme of adoption? For example were there things you did when your LO was a toddler or pre schooler? How did you translate things in a way that felt natural and a way they could understand?

Hope this Q makes sense any advice v much appreciated x

My lo was fta from birth so looked at life story book from around 6 months though it meant very little of course. Since then we’ve just talked more generally about ‘mummy’s best day ever’ (when I went to get her from hospital). More recently now she’s 3 I’ve talked a little more but with no graphic details, just mummies have 2 jobs, one is to grow a baby and the other is to look after them until they are grown up and then explain that bm could not do 2nd and go back to mummy’s best day ever. I have also introduced the idea of her name change and the wise judge telling mummy to change it. I know it’s a very serious subject but I’ve introduced humour to lighten things a bit which has been successful as it’s kept the questions coming.

Hope that helps. I really think adopters need a lot more advice and support in this area as it’s a bit of a minefield.

My friend adopted her child as a baby, she chats about how he lived with someone who could care for him until a mummy could be found (with photos of foster carers) and talk about how his birth mum wasnt able to do all the jobs a mummy does. From there she just answers questions as they come up now he’s a bit older.

DD2 is 3 and knows that she grew in her BMs tummy and BF helped to make her. They couldn't keep her safe, so FCs looked after her until SWs found her forever family. She has looked at a few pictures which we have in an album. She also knows she has birth siblings. We go to visit her FCs now and again.

DD1 is 7 and has a bit more of an understanding of why her BPs couldn't look after her.

We've just gone for the drip drip matter of fact approach, where hopefully nothing will take them by surprise, but then been led by them when they want to talk about it feelings wise. Interestingly, neither of them choose to talk about this in front of each other, despite being very close.

The Teazles' Baby Bunny is a really good book that addresses the theme of finding a family for a bunny that needs a new home. I'm planning to use this when the time's right to start the conversation about how much my child was wanted and how some bunnies / children join families in this way (along with other ways).

From a similar age to your DS I'd talk to DD about how she didn't grow in my tummy but grew in X's tummy, X couldn't look after her so she went to live with (foster carers) whilst the social workers looked for a mummy who would be her mummy forever and ever. As she's got older more details have been added in, generally on the back of questions she has asked.

Todd Parr's we belong together is a great book opening line is 'you needed a home and we had one to share now we are a family'.

We have photos of our first meeting hanging on the wall as well as photos from the celebration hearing. I've also made several photo books. One covers our transition period, another is a very simple version of her life story book and a third is off photos taken by FCs while she lived with them. Some people would put them all in the same book but we decided not to as she's pushed away any photos of before she came home in the past as we're not in them and she finds them confusing. This way she still engages wi tv some of it.

Should add she's 3 now and was a similar age to yours when she came home.

My son came to me when he was 8 months old and I introduced his life story book when he was about 2 (he's just about to turn 3).

He loves it because it's got photos of him as a baby, me, his cousins. I used it to start talking about "birth mother" "birth father" just to introduce those words even though I don't think he understands them yet, but he will say their names when he sees the photos.

He understands he lived with a foster carer before he came to live with me as we still see his foster carer, so I often say "when you were a baby and xxxx was looking after you...".

He likes the page with a photo of us with the judge at the celebration hearing. He calls it his "judge book" and when I read the words "the judge said I will be your mummy..." he finishes the sentence "... forever and ever".

What I'm trying to say is I think he understands bits of his life story book and that's increased over the last year, so for me that's really helped just gradually introducing it all. The book is kept in his book shelf among Peppa pig and Each peach pear plumb with the hope that it's not a big deal and something we just pick up and look at every so often.

My sons almost 5, he came to me a few months shy of two and then when he was two. His is an in family adoption (which he isn’t aware of, I’m NC with family, but I’m going to introduce that a little soon). From the very beginning I would talk about ‘Sue’ looking after him until his forever daddy was found, when he was 3 I started introducing birth mum and explaining in very simple terms that she couldn’t look after him, so he needed a forever daddy who could. Now he’s 4 he knows his birth mum couldn’t keep him safe and didn’t feed him enough dinner, obviously the emotions that come with what happened to him will come later.

Baby Bunny is quite good, Kit Kitten and the topsy-turvys feelings is very good to use when explaining why a birth parent couldn’t look after them.

Hi there I'm so sorry everyone for the slow reply it's been a busier than expected week but I just wanted to say a big thank you for all your thoughts advice and suggestions which I will certainly ponder on. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences xxz

So many great recommendations here - I like Radish by AJ Oliver (found on eBay) as it says a little about neglect on birth family which was relevant to my son.

In general, I think the little and often approach is good as it's shows the child it's ok to talk about these topics and they are not taboo