Young family wanting to adopt!?

[marshallrubblechaserockyzoomer]

Hey! Me (21) and my husband (23) have been married 3 years and have a gorgeous 18 month old son. We love the idea of adopting our next child and have been looking into it.

Has anyone else adopted this young? We definitely don't act our age so I don't see myself as young

Will it set us back in anyway? As in would slightly older couples get priority?

Thank you!

Can I ask what you love about the idea of adopting?

Very few people adopt at your age. Adoption is no picnic. But with a child so young you will probably be asked to wait for a couple of years.

Hi,

I didn't adopt anywhere near as young as you, nor have I met many adopters in their 20s, so I imagine you would be different in that sense from a lot of other adopters. Difference is often needed in life though! 🙂

I'm an adopter, not a SW, but I imagine if you do all your research around adoption (lots to do!), and show that you have the right attitude, experiences, skills, networks (etc etc) you would have the same chance as anyone. It's hard to say about children going home to older adopters or not - they will be placed with the adopter/s that are right for them and children have different needs. If successful, your child would be matched with you as a strong match based on their needs.

I'm sure your age/age gap between your children would be discussed during home study, just like everyone's personal circumstances and strengths. I was worried about being matched as a single adopter but talked through everything with SWs.

Good luck with all the research and decision making!

@Ted27 yes I know it's not a picnic, no need to be so rude. Yes we may be young but we are married with a mortgage and an amazing son, we are more mature and more ahead in life than some 30+ year olds.

We would love to adopt for personal reasons as well as loving a child and giving them a loving home who may not have been 'loved' before.

I think if you met us you wouldn't think we were in our 20s, maybe you should think about what you say before you judge. It's very rude.

@Ted27 wasn’t rude at all. Have a look through the boards and you will see that she is a regular poster gives out balanced and valuable advice. She was right to say that you will probably be asked to wait until your child is older at most LAs ask for a 3 year ago gap between a birth and adopted child.
It makes no difference whether people can meet you think you are older than you are or not, You will be assessed on your ability to meet the needs of an adult to child. you will be assessed on your ability to meet the needs of an adopted child. Social workers will question why you want to adopt at such a young age Social workers will question why you want to adopt at such a young age and whether or not you also want to have more biological children. This is asked of all prospective adopters but probably even more so when you are younger as you have ‘more time on your side’ fertility wise. Generally social workers recommend that you have finished having children biologically before you adopt.

@marshallrubblechaserockyzoomer top tip for surviving the adoption process: don't over-react and get defensive when there's no need to. There was nothing that Ted said that was rude. And Ted knows her stuff.

The majority of adopters I've come across have been in their 40s - you'd definitely be unique if you start the process at your age (and, for the record, I think that would be lovely - I wish I'd started the process when I was younger).

You'll probably be asked to wait until your child is a year or two older: a lot of children in care who are looking for homes need to be younger by any current children by two/three/more years.

You'll need to be able to answer "what do you love about the idea of adopting" in a multi-faceted way. I chose to adopt rather than to attempt to conceive naturally / do IVF - choosing adoption as a first choice rather than as a 'last resort' is quite unusual. That's not to say it will go against you - it was a positive for me in my approval panel - but it is unusual.

If you're keen to start the ball rolling read up on childhood trauma, FAS, long term effects of abuse on brain development etc. Save enough money so one of you can take a year off work (that will definitely go in your favour!). Consolidate and pay off any debts if you have any. Build a support network around you who will not only 'get it', but be able to help you. Volunteer at a nursery or get additional childcare experience with children you don't know.

Don't lose your shit when you don't need to! ;)

On my prep course us and several others were in their 20's.my friend was 23 when she adopted siblings so I don't think at all age will be against you.
As others have said generally la's will want 3 years difference between your birth child and new child and thay would mean only a newborn. I'm sure you're aware that newborns are very rare and generally Foster to adopt.
I did think Ted came across as a tad harsh with the "no picnic" comment. It is completly true. Ours has been more of a hurricane rather than a picnic! But we can't assume people asking questions on this board for the first time haven't already done some research.

I would read up on adoption to help make an informed decision. Children are usually loved, just not kept safe.

We have had a lot worse said to us during assessment than adoption is 'not a picnic' and being so sensitive to such comments will not make you come across as a mature couple.

My husband and I are "young" adopters and we have met many others in there 20s I don't see this holding you back.

Good luck!

I was 23 when our 2 came home- they were 3 and 2. We were much younger than others on our prep course etc and the social worker did say we were unusual, but it never counted against us. Like you, we were married with a mortgage, good jobs etc. so in a good position financially and with responsibility at work etc.
We also didnt try to have birth children first- again that was seen as a positive- we were open to hard to place children because we weren't necessarily looking for a baby we couldn't have. I had to do quite a lot of talking with the social worker about how I would feel if I never birth children, but I'm happy to say we now have a birth child as well, who came along 2 years after adopting and all is going well.

I don’t think she would be a problem, but wether you plan on having more birth children might be. I could have had more birth children but wanted to adopt due to my difficult childhood, I felt I would be able to understand more of the emotions of a child that we adopted due to my experiences. I don’t think Ted was being harsh as I over my journey have before joining my have found her words of wisdom spot on. What I did which I would say was invaluable to my understanding of children in care baring in mind I thought I knew from my experiences was that I fostered first, it worked really well for us opened my eyes to so much and gave me tons more experience, when we then did go on to adopt the process was quicker for us, it might be something you could look into, we went on to foster to adopt and it was a hard but worthwhile experience as we have our precious little one.

Sorry meant age

@user1497873278 in what way did wanting/not wanting more birth children affect the process?

We were asked even though I was late 40 s they wanted reassurance that our adopted child would not be followed by another birth child, this FB may not apply to everyone I have no idea, were however asked if we would be interested in any of our little ones siblings that often come along we said no this was all asked rrigjt at the beginning of the process so not related to a particular chid

Sorry for errors have little darling trying to grab my phone😤

I think op Ted was just trying to explain the realities as sometimes posters come on here with really very little idea of what adoption can involve. I don’t have adopted dc yet but I have birth dc with sn - these are so called mild sn but has been one of the most challenging experiences of my entire life

@marshallrubblechaserockyzoomer I'm sorry I didnt mean to come across so bluntly.
We all have to discuss our motivations with social workers so its no bad idea to think about it.
Adoption is a risky business, but as adults you are deciding to take that risk, your son isnt getting a choice in it. Of course there are families with birth children who make adoption work, but there are also families who have very tough times. At your age you have so much time available to you to raise your birth children and return to adoption later on if you still feel strongly about it, I said the same to someone else in their 30s on another forum last week.
The other thing to consider is whether you do want more birth children. Its very possible that the needs of an adoped child may mean thats its difficult to contemplate another birth child.
If you were 21 and 23 and didnt have a birth child I'd say go party, travel, see the world, or at least the Uk (!) enjoy being young and care free and come to adoption in 5 or 10 years. As you have a birth child, its really the potential impact on him that should be the main consideration,
good luck with whatever you decide

I didn’t think Ted was harsh - it isn’t a picnic and many prospective adopters come hear with idealised views.

We have just gone through concurrency in our late 20’s and although we were unusual it didn’t count against us. Adoption was also our first choice, again unusual but didn’t count against us.

Being overly sensitive will make adoption generally much harder - thick skin required!

I agree with most of the posters, Ted was just stating a fact, your reaction was quite reactive and defensive. Unfortunately you will have so many more hurdles than that if you want to adopt.

We found the process frustrating, had to bite our tongues many times, did a lot of things we thought were irrelevant to our ability to parent, but we had to nod our heads a lot, and we didn't have the age 'issue' you have, and were actually a relatively straight forward couple to get approved.

SW's will push your buttons, they'll try and get a reaction to 'test you' and if you are offended by someone (who is trying to help) saying 'adoption isn't a picnic' then you need to get a thicker skin. It may also show your age as being an issue, even though you say you don't act it. The adoption process is very intrusive.

We adopted 2 years ago, and we're going through the process again for our sons half-sibling, and our new SW has challenged A LOT of things that weren't even mentioned the first time round - the width of the spindles in our staircase being one of them (!?) - and this has annoyed us but we also know if we want to adopt again we have to jump through the hoops set in front of us.

I'm not trying to offend, as Ted also wasn't, but you need to know the reality of adoption. It's hard, not just after you adopt but the process itself.

You could get approved and then be one of many couple trying to get the same child. THAT was the hardest part for us, being told we were matched but they were also considering another 3 couples for that child. That was the longest 2 weeks of our lives. We did get picked in the end, but that was the most difficult time.