Foster carer visit

[SuperAunt08]

Hi, just looking for a bit of advice. We have just had adopted son (5) placed with us last week, he was with various foster carers but the last ones for over a year and obviously formed a strong attachment. We agreed to maintain contact with foster carers and that they could visit. They wanted to visit this week but we have managed to put it off until next week but is this too soon? He has been asking and occasionally cries at bedtime that he wants her

I’m going to suggest its too soon, of course he’s going to cry and ask for her - he’s grieving for her and that’s both ok and an important part of the process. At the moment he needs your care and support and to adjust to you being a family. In the same way as it’s too early for family and friends visits I think it’s too early for them to visit. Could they talk on the phone - we did that early on, just twice over a month which did help (and then we had contact which was an unmitigated disaster tbh).

I’d also not have them come and visit at the house, maybe chose a child friendly neutral space - your child needs to know their home is their home the foster carers visiting could be very unsettling for them (and for you). Maybe somewhere down the line like years down the mine) but not early on.

Remember the foster carers need to also process their loss - and can’t do that by inserting themselves into your lives. If you think it’s too early tell them “no” and don’t feel under pressure to arrange contact if you feel your son needs more time, or if indeed you feel it would be detrimental to your son. As much as my two really wanted contact with foster carers, the reality was horrific for them and tbh I stopped it pretty quickly.

Others have had very positive ongoing contact which has worked really well, but set some boundaries early on. What was agreed at the planning meeting regarding ongoing contact?

Our and indeed our SW depts approach to the involvement of foster carers has been quite different. They were our childs de facto parents for over 2 years and were adored. They visited the first week and thereafter there was visits every fortnight/ three weeks to allow our child the outlet to express the grief at their loss - actually it was only a difficult parting on the one occasion. Night time was initially the hardest but we approached it like we would the loss of anyone significant and talked about them. Of course it depends on the child and the foster parents, but one year in I consider them an extended part of the family whom our child visits at their home every couple of months - it has worked well for us. There is no aftermath, a hug and a kiss goodbye and no unsettled behaviours afterwards. We speak about them regularly, but our child is extremely well settled with us and no longer asks for them when he is upset. We are mum and dad. I consider us very lucky to have landed on this situation. So in summary, all situations are different and you must be guided by what feels right for the child. We resisted nightly facetime, just every 3 days and then cut it back and back. Within 4 weeks we had stopped it completely. The only thing I changed was to take their photo out of the bedroom (something SW had suggested we do) and placed it elsewhere as sight of it at night time was too hard.

DS was 4 when he was placed with us 7 yrs ago, we didn't see the Foster Carers for a good few months after placement, but we do still see them once or twice a year now they are just friends for whom he has a special fondness. I would say don't meet up too soon as both they and your DS are dealing with the separation and meeting too soon just put it's back a step, I also agree with not meeting at your house find a neutral place as this means you can leave if it starts to get too much for him.

@ModelCitizen that was the hope for us with our dc foster carers but the reality was very different due to the foster carers actions and behaviours - if I had my way they would have continued to be a much loved presence in my children’s lives in the way you describe. It wasn’t for lack of will or trying on our part that it broke down.

@jellycatspygamas my friend had the same experience. Overbearing attitude and they quickly reduced contact to zero. We are lucky. We really like the foster parents and they are very careful not to cross any boundaries or make any demands. They are very much led by us.

Thanks for your replies. My instinct is that it’s too early and that the visit would be more for the FCs benefit than his.

Without going into detail...Introductions were cut short for reasons beyond our control and we just had to go with it and placement occurred almost 2 weeks earlier than planned. This meant we didn’t get the usual gradual transfer of attachment and he doesn’t call us mum and dad.

We were then told rather than asked that they would visit in half term only 8 day’s into placement when we’re just starting to feel like we’re settling into a routine.

Don’t get me wrong, the FCs are lovely people and have been loving carers of our son and we’re very grateful but she’s also very emotional and I think would take it personally if I ask to delay the visit further

That sounds less than ideal - I wouldn’t worry about attachment at this stage, it’s not something that transfers from one carer to another, you’ll build (and are building) attachment all the time and at 5 that’s going to be years of love and consistent care. If you think it’s too early it’s too early, don’t worry about her feelings - she has other people to care for her. I’d have no qualms in saying no at this stage.

Sorry I don’t think I meant attachment as such I just mean we didn’t get that gradual taking over of the routine etc we were thrown in the deep end and are making it work but fear a visit too early could set us right back to the beginning.

You’re right... I know I shouldn’t overly worry about her feelings. I’m just too much of a people pleaser but need to prioritise my son now.

Thank you for the suggestions of meeting outside of the home, that is a good idea.

Whatever decision you make please do it for your child not FC. You owe them NOTHING. Our's were quite emotional as well and in a way it's a good thing as you know they loved her to bits and probably gave her exactly what she needed. However it can also give you a sense of
responsibility towards them when your focus should be on your child. Our first meeting was a few weeks after placement and a little awkward as I could tell that our baby wasn't quite sure what was going on and things were quite intense. We've since met a few more times and it's much less intense and more like an old friend or 'auntie' visiting her. I agree don't meet at your home. Somewhere neutral so that your son doesn't think they're coming to take him back and you can get away if things become intense and yes I'd leave it a few weeks so he's really settled and used to the idea that he's with you forever. Do what's in his interest, try and maintain a good relationship with FCs as they're a vital link to his past especially at his age and know that it'll get easier and you'll find a new rhythm I promise xx

There is a lot of research to show that adopted children can really benefit from seeing foster carers very soon after placement within the adopting family. This may feel very difficult in the short term, but proves beneficial in the long run. It can really reduce the sense of abandonment experienced by the child, which in turn can help them trust enough to form new attachments in the adoptive family. Certainly in my LA, foster Carer visits are usually scheduled after a week of placement and then again after a fortnight, gradually phasing out and replaced by a less formal arrangement (if adopters want this).

Totally agree with @stolenkisses. It is much better for children to see their foster Carr’s very soon after placement and helps them know that people they love and who love them don’t just disappear. This will help them bond with and trust their adoptive parents more. If they grieve after the visits (they would be grieving even without the visits) that is fine as it shows them that their new parents can handle their grief and it’s ok to be sad. It also is an opportunity for their new parents to show they can comfort them.
If you google The children were fine you will find some good reading around this.

Thank you it really helps to see both sides. I think because it all went ‘off plan’ for placement we’re left feeling we don’t know what to do for the best. It’s useful to hear that it can be positive too

We did the same as stolenkisses and another poster. Our children had been with their FC for 18months. The first meetup was hard but needed - I think it helped them process their feelings of loss and as contact phased down in frequency it felt quite natural and helpful for the children. We had fallout afterwards but to be expected with children grieving the loss of someone so important.

Things sound like they didn't work as planned and that that's been hard. Maybe you could think through what could be helpful if they did come and how long they'd stay for, what you do so it's something that feels manageable. We met at home had a cup of tea then went out and they didn't come home with us after other than to pick up the car for the first meetup after placement.

As a foster career and an adoptive parent your son needs to see them as soon as possible, his loss will be so deep you may not be aware of it at this moment. Seeing them somewhere away from home like a play area may stop the situation becoming to emotional and will also help in that you can leave when you want to. In his world no matter what you say he doesn’t understand where they have gone and why or if he will ever see them again if you do this for him you will remove all of that fear that he will most definitely have inside. This will in the long term help him to relax and feel more confident with you. I should also mention I was adopted also at a young age, I was too young to express my feelings but the pain of not seeing my career for a long time was something I still now can’t put into words. Please let him see them asap.

Also, just wanted to add that it may be especially important to your son that he sees his carers soon, as if he has had a number of carers (I think implied by your post), he will have experienced multiple losses. As mentioned by pp - Soft play/out in the community is a really good idea as it can diffuse the strong emotions whilst still giving him the reassurance he needs.

What I am surprised about is the lack of direction from your SW. At our meetings pre transition the FC meetings post move were carefully thought out and formally agreed. Our own SW does alot of work with older children adopted at a young age who are needing support and the loss of FC is a recurring theme - perhaps a lightening rod for expressing that feeling of abandonment. I would echo those that say dont try to shield your son from upset - you can't albeit you need to use your own judgment around what is helpful and what is not, which may be greatly influenced by the behaviour of the fc themselves. My view was that the interaction with fc early on allowed our child to get his grief out rather than bottling it up and it coming out in behaviour which was not obviously related to those feelings.

What I am surprised about is the lack of direction from your SW.

I would echo this - it would be worth speaking it through with your/your child’s social worker in light of how intros went and where the issues there came from. At our preparation meeting there was a very clear plan in terms of early contact with foster carers which I was in support of, but had concerns about it - the concerns I had played out in that the foster carers disregarded just about every part of the plan but that had been a pattern of behaviour from them across all of our pre-placement meetings and in their supporting the children to move so could have been easily predicted. Only you know how they have been in the run up to placement, how actively supportive they’ve been pre-placement etc which should inform your sense of whether they can put your child’s needs first.

In our case the foster carers absolutely could not put our children first in very concrete ways which resulted in contact being stopped and we’ve supported our dc through that loss. It’s not a clear cut thing, don’t be afraid to make your own decision.

Thanks again for everyone’s advice and for sharing experiences. The plan just says for contact to occur when we feel is appropriate which is difficult to judge. He spoke to FC on the phone today and there were some tears after and some difficult behaviour but we’ve done lots of reassuring and are planning a meeting next week.

I know it’s hard for you I have been there you want him all to yourselves, you will get him, he is your son. You are totally doing the best for him by arranging phone calls and meeting up good luck