Introducing an adopted child to the extended family

[jpatinom]

Hi.
We're on the middle of the adoption process and I need advice. A couple of days ago, My wife and I had an argument about introducing our future child to our extended family. At the adoption institution they told us that the chil should be only with us for 15 days before starting to gradually and casualy introduce him/her to the rest of the family, which is alright. However, my wife says she wants us to be lone with the child for three months before that, which I think is extreme. My mother is very sad, because she lives abroad and was making plans to come visit twice this year (around August, after the 15-day period had ended) and then on Christmas. Now she says she'll only come on Christmas. I told my wife I wasn't making anything u about the 15 day period, because she hear that herself directly from the people at the adoption institution. I feel like she's trying to push my mum aside and wants to limit our future child's time with my family. My mother usually comes every year and stays two weeks with us and she's not intrusive. She has been nothing but generous with us so she's very hurt. I wonder if the child won't be able to meet her side of the family during three months as well. I love my in-laws and I wonder if they would feel alright if i told themthey cannot meet the new member of the family for such a long time. What can I do?

It's certainly fine to introduce grandparents after two weeks, in fact I did it earlier. But you are talking about grandma coming to stay for two weeks which is obviously very different. Have you considered how your child may come to get used to having her around and feel a loss when she leaves? Is this what your wife might be trying to say?

There is a big difference between introducing them at a visit the length of two coffees and your mum staying over. She shouldn't stay over, that's way too much for a traumatised child that needs to feel that "this is home and these people belong here together".

Basically, it's not about you or your mum, it's about what is best for the child. Your mum staying for two weeks while the child is getting used to the transition is not in the best interest of the child. Meeting family members for an hour is. Now that you will become a parent you need to put your child first. It's not about her family versus yours. I'm sure that your mum is welcome to visit once a week for an hour, the problem is that either she or you chose to live far away. That comes with a cost. This is the cost.

At the adoption institution they told us that the chil should be only with us for 15 days before starting to gradually and casualy introduce him/her to the rest of the family, which is alright.

Gradually and casually is not staying over.

Where exactly are you in the process - have you been approved and linked with a child?
If not you are premature talking about visits at all.
There is probably a middle ground. Total isolation for three months is probably a bit too much but I agree with everyone else that coming to stay for two weeks so soon after placement is not realistic.
15 days is also not an absolute, but a guide, some SWs would say 6 weeks. Your mum will have to accept that it's not about her.
To be honest I would be horrified at the idea of my mother in law or mother for that matter expecting to stay for two weeks just 15 days after the arrival of a new child, birth or adopted. The early days are critical, its your time to get to know this child and start developing your relationship. Its unfortunate that your mum lives abroad but that shouldn't override the needs of the child.

Your dc will be going through confusion and trauma for months or years after coming to live with you. That trauma and confusion will be multiplied for every new person who comes and goes from your home. That's not to say you shouldn't see people, but the more new people there are and the longer they are with you, the more difficulty your dc may have.

But not only that. Just think how it will feel for both you and your dw to be watched in your own home by your dm while you are finding your way as new parents of a small and traumatised stranger, even if she is nothing but supportive and helpful. Parenting at the best of times can be a combination of guess-work, guilt, frustration and flashes of joy. Parenting when you feel unconfident, exhausted or when it's all going horribly wrong, and an extra family member is sat there making helpful comments could be horrific for all of you.

I recommend you and your dw just don't make any plans with either your mum or your dw's family until you both feel ready and feel your that dc is ready.

It's a really tricky one as it is so dependent on the child, the circumstances, how well they settle in, and things like how many foster moves they have had as well as considerations such as any additional needs which may further complicate things. Different agencies will have different rules although most will base on the child themselves but as a rough guide I'd tend to agree with you that most will generically suggest a fortnight. I would say from my own experience that borh of your perspectives will probably shift in relation to a specific child and intros changes so much in your mind as finally they are real, you have a sense of them and their boundaries, and what will and won't be helpful for them. We were matched with a 13 month baby who had risk factors in their history but no immediately obvious additional needs. He'd had consistent foster care since day 3 and was generally I think considered to be an adaptable "easy to place" child who displayed quite secure attachment to his carers. Overall I'd say he did attach to us fairly well during intros and at home I think we faired a lot better than some other adoptive families at how well he settled. However what I would say is that even in those circumstances I changed perspective quite quickly once home as to how ready I felt he was to meet people. I would say the first month is the most stressful so it's important to think about all the points ppl have already made about him attaching you both as primary carers (I can see in my son it was important for him to understand we were significant adults to him) but also about the pressure you may not wish to be under to host at such a fraught time. Be prepared for your rship to be tense for first fegw weeks as a natural consequence of a new child in the house and having a guest however close at such an intimate time could be tricky. I had an idea that I was going to have my mum to stay the week my other half went back to work (week 3) and soon changed my mind as to how appropriate that felt nearer the time.

I'd say that if you want a general sense a fortnight would be around sensible to start introducing significant adults such as grandparents to the child and I would say it would only be in be extreme scenarios that you would want to wait as long as 3 months I would agree that sounds pretty excessive without specific justification (and also may create issues in it's own way when you finally come.to introduce ppl as the child will v quickly become used to it's new world and one without visitors on it will be a strange surreal bubble). What I would say is that anyone physically staying over is likely to feel very intense not just for the child actually but for all of you as you form as a family. We gradually introduced close family from week 3 onwards and took probably up to avoid week 8 before that process was complete and have had to do several shorter visits with key ppl to cement them as significant to our LO. I'd say you'd want to keep visits short but perhaps more frequent in such early days. I wonder if explained tactfully your mum might consider staying at a nearby hotel (I know that sounds bizarre) and popping in for increasing times perhaps every few days? Hard to strike a balance between too much that their attachment is cobfused and too little that they don't understand she is a significant rship (an interesting point our own social worker made) xxx

Wow! Thank you all for your input. I'll keep it in mind as a resource for myself whenever the issue arises again. I'm sure we'll be able to find the way to make this work, with the child's interest first, while maintaining a healthy relationship with the rest of the family.

I suppose for me it’s whatever you feel is right for the child, but from relatively recent experience, I can promise you’ll be desperate to start introducing to extended family after the 2 week lockdown period. If nothing else because you’ll end up with cabin fever after 2 weeks of no other adult conversation!

Thanks for taking the time to write at length based on your experience and not making this an "us versus then" kind of situation. It is certainly not.

The reality of the early weeks of adoption is very hard, you’re getting to know a new person and they have been removed from everything and everyone they know. At 15 days you’ll still have a terrified little person finding their feet and you and your wife will be getting used to parenting. Look at some of the post placement threads here to get a sense of how that can be.

I totally understand you wanting any children to have a relationship with your mum, but you’ll be introducing a new person who will stay for two weeks and then go again potentially within 4/5 weeks of placement. At a time while you’re finding your feet too. It’s not at all like having a newborn where extended family can help with care, help you figure things out. This isn’t something your mum can help with.

I’d pretty much think introducing extended family is a slow process. We took the decision to introduce people who would be around our kids a lot first (in a low key, over coffee at the park kind of way), then folk they might see less often, then folk who lived at a distance. They’ve been here for 3 years and only this Christmas met the last of our extended family.

In those early weeks, it’s about you and your wife caring for your child and using wider support to let you come up for air, ie you keeping the child and her getting out for a while and vice versa, any other people should be introduced over time in little bursts - I didn’t have anyone stay with us for a good year after placement, my dc need to know their home is theirs, and wouldn’t have coped with other adults around.

We didn't introduce any family for 3 months and I really think this funnelling period was the best thing we could have done. No-one stayed over for about 6 months and our LO just about coped with this. I think you have to make a decision as a couple, bit it's important not to rush it. Your family have years and years (hopefully) to get acquainted with LO. The slower the better in my experience!

We left it a few weeks before gradually introducing family, most of the immediate family are close by, so we met up at the park, walk and play in the park and then a cuppa and cake in the cafe, my parents live 300 miles away so we met half way a few times and did the same with them.

I don't think you need to leave it 3 months, that's quite extreme and you will need your support structure to help you. This includes spending time with them for your own sanity

For us, after about 6 weeks, one set of GPs visited for the afternoon. Another few weeks later, the other set of GPs came for a few days, but crucially, they stayed in a hotel and not with us. (They stay with us now, just not that first early visit.)

Thanks @CottonHeadedNinnyMug
I'm new here and I'm not familiar with all the acronyms. What is LO? (and also ds, dm, and others that star with "d")

Sorry - LO is little one, but you might say AD / AS for adopted daughter /son. Or you might say DD for dear daughter DS for dear son...
DH and DW dear husband, dear wife!
DM DF, dear mother, dear father and so on and so forth!!

We live in a different country to our extended family so can relate. My inlaws had the attitude of 'try and stop me coming out immediately' and I was very firm on the fact I would! My parents visited 2 months after our children came home but stayed in a hotel, I am so pleased they did as the children were not ready for over night guests! It's difficult to predict how your child(ren) will settle so having space and options is really important, can your mum stay in a hotel to allow for flexibility?
In relation to your wife's desire to cocoon, we cocooned for a month and didn't see anyone, it was right for us and I am so pleased we did it. After that we started introducing 'family' (they are friends but we live away from family so are our family) in neutral spaces like playgrounds and for short periods of time and as time has gone on this has increased but we kept our world small for the first 2 months. Now they are well settled and can handle all interactions in their space. My inlaws are currently visiting and staying with us and all is well but having control over the early days was really important and paid off.

Could your mum come over and stay in hotel/rent a flat or something? I don't think introducing them is a prob, i do think having to stay in the house could be; the house needs to be the child's safe place with no intrusion. 3 months funneling would have finished me off... a lot depends on the child. Mine met grandparents during introductions but partly because they live really near and we see each other several times a week, I was able to explain that they come and then go back to their house. I would suggest your mum stays elsewhere and doesn't expect to see you all every day.