Posting on adoption forum

[Pix70]

Hi,
I need some advice but how do I know that I'm only posting on the adoption forum and not for all to see

This is the adoption forum but, it is an open forum. I would just take care not to give information that can identify people x

Thanks. I remember reading a post the other day whereby everyone on mumsnet had a comment to make which was very unhelpful. I don't want the same

If people have opted in to see Adoption topic, it will show on Active. Give it a nice boring thread title and you're unlikely to be interrupted

Or I think it's possible to create your thread in somewhere like "off the beaten track" and put a link to it here - then this should drop out of Active, because people will reply to the more private thread, but it will still be visible to posters who routinely check the Adoption topic.

Adoption uk also have a forum, might be worth asking there instead?

Adoption uk also have a forum, might be worth asking there instead?

Bloody hell. What has OP ever done to you :-)

Seriously though, OP- this is the most rounded option out there for adoption discussion. We don't get many posters without relevant experience- though the odd plonker does pop up. Just presume anything on t'internet is public, so keep details anonymous.

Ok thanks for your advice.
Ad is just turned 7, has been home nearly 4 years and is doing really well but really struggling with school. Emotionally much younger than her age and starting to be aware of being different to peers. As a lot of our kids, she struggles to regulate her emotons and quite often has outbursts where she might push away a child who is being mean to her or has now started to fjght back when being hit by other children. She hides under the tables in the class (and sometimes screams) when she feels unsafe, or frustrated or just generally struggling, sometimes drops to the floor and refuses to talk to engage. She doesn't do any if these things at home. School have actually told us that some of the other kids will purposely be mean to her just because they want to see her react and disrupt the class. They have told us this but still she's the one who gets into trouble.

So yesterday my husband went to pick her up from school and was accosted in the playground by another parent who has never spoken to us who started yelling at him about Ad's behaviour, how she had hurt her child, how it was ridiculous that she had been at the school for 3 years and still 'playing up' so she was going to report us to SS as unfit parents who 'are obviously unable to parent her.' All of this was screamed infront of all the other parents picking their kids up and in front of our AD. She was really distraught and ran off, so my husband gave chase as obviously her safety is much more important that this screeching idiot in the playground.
It took us an age to calm her down at home as she is now terrified that a SW will come and take her away, despite lots of reassurance from us that this will not happen, we are a family forever, the judge said do and so do we and that we will love her no matter what.

I have set up a meeting with school for this morning but not hoping for much. We have met with them several times over the years and, to be honest, we don't think they 'get' attachment and trauma and don't really seem to have any interest in learning. We have had to have words with them about putting my Ad's images on their Facebook page, of them disclosing private info about ad to another parent and they just seem to close ranks and just smile and nod in the right places when talking to us. We have given them SO much literature, info, tips on how best to help our daughter but they never seems to get it right....always act after the horse has bolted.

The head of primary has no interest as when the head of early years emailed him to ask if he was happy for her to deal with this he replied 'yes please. Good luck with this one!'

I'm so sorry for such a long post but I'm sitting here in tears at 0340 in the morning having only slept for 2 hours and wondering what the hell we do next. I am SO upset for her.

Just wanted to say that she is so lucky to have you as parents. You understand and love her and are fighting for her. So many children don't have this. You sound amazing. Don't know what's available where you are but is it worth contacting your Local Authority? Some areas have additional support for schools that don't 'get it'. Apologies if all this has been tried. Lots of schools are becoming more trauma informed. I'm speaking as an adopted adult who works in social care.

Thanks for your reply. All the schools in our area are supposed to be 'trauma aware'. We've tried telling them (a lot) that there will usually be a reason for her behaviour and that she needs notice of change. For example, we have told them several times each new school year that she has issues with food, specifically worrying that it will run out and she will starve. So if she is playing up in the dinner queue this could be the reason. The best thing to do would be to take her to the front of the queue. This is not giving her favouritism but making adjustments for her needs. So we had a meeting last week with her teacher who said she is playing up in the dinner queue. I asked her if anything had changed...yes, they've changed the order of line up (now ad is further down the line). I asked if they had forewarned her about the change....no. God, if they had only forewarned her and thought about her position in the queue her dysregulation (or misbehaviour as they have called it) could have been avoided.
These types of missed opportunities seem to be happening all the tìme

I won't give any advice as I'm not in any position to but I wanted to say that you sound very in tune with what she needs, well done for being there for her.

I hope you managed some sleep and don't be disheartened by the lack of responses, you will get more when everyone starts to wake up.

To be honest I would take her out of that school and find somewhere else. Some schools are just never going to support our kids and personally I don't believe in flogging a dead horse where not only their education but their emotional welfare is at stake.
I would also be making a formal complaint about the Facebook and disclosure of info which are outrageous breaches of confidentiality for any child and their own policies and is totally unacceptable. If you can get their policies on data protection and safeguarding from their website, I don't think you will have too much trouble showing how they have breached them.
Good luck.

Firstly; nothing you've written seems unreasonable or identifying at all so don't take this as a criticism in any way but personally I'd be very careful wjat you write ANYWHERE on the internet and certainly NEVER give any photos or identifying info. I've been on supposedly closed groups before and they've been accessed by very smart and insightful adoptees who are also sadly very angry and often copy and paste things onto their SM pages. Sometimes they actually have a good point but sometimes they also take things massively out of context. As far as I know it never happened to me but I can imagine it's very upsetting to have your posts that you thought were made in a safe space paraded as a negative portrayal of adoption and your parenting skills....

As for the specific issues your daughter is having; The posting on FB of your daughter are simply unacceptable and I think illegal?! Have you told the school that the parent has done this as I feel that they should be ensuring your daughter's safety and I'm presuming parents obtained these images on school grounds? I'm not sure but I suspect that if so you have the right to demand a strong response from school and if you don't get one I'd cut the nicey nicey bullcrap and take it straight to Ofsted. I would also complain to FB to remove the images and I'd even be looking at criminal proceedings if it's bad enough and you have the resources. Please don't take what other parents are saying personally. I'd wager that their little darlings aren't as perfect as they seem and ultimately your priority is raising your daughter to be as happy and as kind as possible.

IT does sound like the school are failing to meet her needs even when you're being quite explicit about what she needs. I would never tell you to remove her based on one paragraph but you probably have to accept that if things haven't gotten any better after you've raised quite tangiable concerns then they may well never get any better. If it doesn't feel right then don't be afraid to look elsewhere. I have only just started my almost 2YO in childcare as I RTW soon. The place I initially chose did not work out at all and tbh I'm sooooo glad I moved her as the nursery she is now attending seems a million times better and more willing to meet her needs

Good luck and look after yourselves whatever you do xxx

To be honest I would take her out of that school and find somewhere else

This, I think of after 3 years the school doesn’t get it they’re simply not going to. If you’re in England I’d be going to Ofsted about the email and the breach of your daughters privacy rights - I’d also be speaking to the Information Commissioner because they’re in breach of GDPR which is pretty serious.

In terms of schooling, if it’s truly impossible to move her (as in there’s no other school within travelling distance), I’d go back to the head teacher (because they set the school ethos) and get her to explain her understanding of how trauma impacts children, ask her to explain why reasonable adjustments aren’t being made for your daughter and if you don’t already have one start the EHCP/Coordinated Support Plan (Scotland) process.

As far as the other parent goes, I’d honestly have told her to fuck off.

Hello op I had similar issues with my DD at school. I started looking at other schools, found a lovely small one, took my DD to see it then started a phased start. We moved her down a year. It has made all the difference and honestly there are now no issues at school anymore several weeks in. Don’t be afraid to move her it sounds like it has got to that point.

I agree with the others - move schools.
Go and see some other schools, ask to see the SENCO. Have a pre-prepared list of triggers and suggested ways of handling written down for discussion. Discuss phased start.
Pick the school you think seems most on the ball for adoption / attachment / trauma.

If they haven't got a place, then appeal. There are a couple of admissions experts on the Primary board who I won't tag here but are prh47bridge and admission(s) that you can PM for guidance. (I would hope you would be a shoe-in even with infant class size regulations.)

@Pix70 I very much agree with my fellow adopters here. This is not a safe or appropriate environment for your daughter.
I would be escalating complaints over the lack of support, behaviour of other parents and the issues over Facebook and safeguarding.
I think these complaints also need to be directed to your local authority.
Next I would suggest an appointment with your GP. This is a toxic environment and your daughter is clearly very stressed. Her behaviours are an outward demonstration of how she is feeling. Get her signed off sick from school.
Clearly the school are being very challenging to deal with. Speak to your LA about obtaining an EHCP. Your daughter needs to be in a more nurturing environment that meets her needs.
Obtain some independent advice and know your rights as a parent. IPSEA, SOS SEN are great sources of info. Also can I direct you to the website notfineinschool.org.uk which has a wealth of info that will support both your daughter and you as a family.
I have been through a similar situation with my son. Sending you virtual hugs. 💐
Keep posting. We are here to help! 😉

Just to echo what everyone else has said. Move schools. They are massively failing your daughter and don’t sound as if they are interested in doing things differently. Go and have a look at any schools you could reasonably travel to and maybe ask to meet with HT and / or SENCO to find out what support they have for LAC / post LAC pupils. All schools should have a designated teacher for LAC (including Post LAC) who you may also be able to speak with.

It might also be worth a call to your LA virtual school head to see if they could give you any information on schools that might better suit your daughter’s needs.

I really hope you get something sorted. This sounds horrendous for all of you.

OP, my dc suffered from trauma five years ago and although is fine now, the school said they had never met anyone quite like him when he first joined them - some of his behaviour was quite extraordinary - yet throughout they have been amazing. So the chances are it is the school failing. One thing I did which really changed everything was to write out everything relevant, including flashpoints, strategies for keeping him calm, and I sat down with his teacher and the SN person and went through it and they followed the strategies. I do think that it was the fact that things continuously improved, quite dramatically at times and otherwise steadily with some fall outs, that made the different. At the same time as suggesting strategies, I let a lot go too, and spent a lot of time at home going through things with my dc developing his resilience and social skills and prepping him about how to deal and encouraging him to cope.

The above is something to bear in mind in the short term with this school or to do with the new school, but at the same time based on what you have said I would also strongly recommend that you talk to a clinical psychologist to get input about strategies you use and and how to manage the school. This video illustrates how a good clinical psychologist can help you with the school - don't be put off by the narrative, it is worth watching all the way through. Whether trauma or attachment or other, clin psychs with trauma expertise would be able to give you strategies and help with communication with school.

accessed by very smart and insightful adoptees who are also sadly very angry and often copy and paste things onto their SM pages this isn't the point of the thread but I am an adoptee and I'd like to say that I have not accessed closed groups or posted anything on SM (at all, as I don't have any SM) and I don't think this is what the OP was worried about, I think it was the recent thread on MN where non adopters were being very critical she was referring to. OP, if so, I don't think you need to worry for this particular thread and an awful lot of non adopters will sympathise here - it isn't just adopted children, it is also SN children for other reasons, G&T children very often as their control centre is often slower to develop, and all sorts. In relation to angry adoptees, a recent independent enquiry found that far, far more research was needed into how adoption was done in all respects including implicitly parenting, and so it is a thing, but not relevant here, and if anyone wants to challenge that statement please start a new thread.

*that made a difference, not a different

@sassygromit I totally agree that adoptees voices must be heard. What kindof parents are we to these amazing children if we're not prepared to listen to the people who ARE them in a few years time and have lived their experiences?! I left a FB group because an adoptee was repeatedly quoting things on there on her twitter page but tbh I was totally with her on some of the things she said and was more concerned at how the things she read were affecting her. I fully supported her motives just not her methods. Tbh I mostly left the group as I didn't like how some of the adopters were talking about a vulnerable teenager who they knew was reading. Anyway, my point was just that you should never assume that an adoptee isn't reading and remain sensitive to their vulnerabilities as well as your own. I would personally always welcome the thoughts of adoptees for the reasons stated above but I was just making the OP aware that nowhere is a true 'safe space'. As a general rule if I wouldn't say it to my child's face then I wouldn't say it anywhere online. Sorry OP if we've gone off at a tangent I hope you can resolve the issues with your school x

You may already know, but I thought I'd point out that home education is a legal option that might suit you and your daughter better.

@jannt86 I agree with you - and I quite often type things then delete!

@Pix70 - My son was exactly like this, and every school he attended (we tried a few) was as good as useless.

Part of the problem is that teachers won’t/can’t discipline children anymore, so every little thing that happens becomes the parent’s problem to deal with. That way, when the parent can’t deal with it, the school can shift the blame onto them (as opposed to the useless teacher who can’t do their job properly). What parent can deal with a seven year old who was a bit naughty at school hours ago and can only remember half of what happened? No one, that’s who, but it gets the teacher off the hook.

Of course, your situation is worse because your child is actually traumatised by her experience of being at school. But as usual, the teacher can’t/won’t deal with it, so it is your problem and yours alone. You are supposed to somehow come up with a solution, even though you are not there to deal with what is happening and are only being told hours after the fact.

And on top of all this, you then have to deal with the pack mentality of the perfect parents who know more about what is happening than you do (I wonder how) and are all lined up with their pitchforks.

When you are in the middle of all this, it is impossible to see the wood for the trees, so here’s a little bit of advice from someone who has been through it and come out the other end: take your little girl out of that school. She clearly hates it, and the whole place - including teachers, parents and kids - sounds bloody awful. Take her out, put her in the year below and start again. Nothing is worth that level of heartache.

School sounds appalling take her out she needs a fresh start, and she and you are lacking in support totally

I'm going to agree with the others - school are not listening to you, and over a significant period of time have failed to put your DD's needs first. I would move her. If you can, I would consider taking her out for a complete break for a while too. Start looking around - talk to your Virtual School / post-adoption support / local adopter groups / NATP, and see if anyone has any good personal recommendations.

Alongside this, has your DD had an OT assessment? Some of the sensory overload things happening at school might be able to be helped quite a bit by OT input. We had OT funded by an application to the Adoption Support Fund, and it made a real difference. I am not suggesting this would be enough to make the current school viable, but it might ease the transition to a new school and help your DD to feel safer.

Sending you huge warm wishes. It's absolutely horrible feeling powerless in this situation (I found school one of the very hardest things to cope with, particularly if they won't listen to the strategies and adjustments that would make a difference). This is exhausting, so please try and take time to look after yourself, even if that means taking turns with your DH to get a bit of headspace.

Thank you all so much for your advice. We attended the meeting. The parent is going to be talked to about inappropriate behaviour, about keeping away from us and asked to stay off school property if this happens again.

@pearldiver19 - you then have to deal with the pack mentality of the perfect parents who know more about what is happening than you do (I wonder how) and are all lined up with their pitchforks.......how true. We haven't told anybody about our ad being adopted as its her story to tell and, quite frankly, none of their business!! Can you imagine the pack if they had this juicy bit of 'gossip'? I really hate clicks...Im old enough an ugly enough to get on with it myself without needing a cheerleading squad egging me on like they seem to need

@sassygromit - your right about the other post with the very unhelpful comments. This was what I wasn't wanting to face when feeling so low

@UnderTheNameOfSanders - weirdly enough, this school certainly talked the talk 're attachment etc. Just don't seem to be able to walk the walk

I think we have decided to move her but we've found out that the school has been listening and have been evidence gathering towards applying for an ehcp and have requested an EP assessment. They told us about the process and we don't really want to have to start all over again with another school having to restart their evidence gathering so maybe we'll keep her there until this is decided. Then start looking for a school which might tie in nicely with holidays. Don't know if another school will accept mid ehcp application.

How sad that our kids, who have been through so much, have to also go through this too. Seems prevalent.....and so, so wrong