Direct contact with BM

[Somebodystired]

Just wondering if anyone has any experience with this?

It's something I am starting to think about. BM is very mobile, also very stable and we have a good relationship. DS is 3 and hasn't seen her since before his first birthday. But due to unforeseen circumstances she has found out where I work (and therefore my hometown). I honestly think I'm going to be walking on eggshells for the rest of his childhood. I'm starting to wonder if actually having direct contact would put my mind at ease because there would never be the fear of running into her, but I'm worried about it having a negative effect on DSs feeling of permanence?

@Somebodystired This is a very difficult situation. How on earth did BM find where you work? I get the feeling, and correct me if I am wrong, that you feel a bit backed into a corner over this situation.
Direct contact is a very individual thing and hopefully someone else will be along who has this experience but putting myself in your shoes I think you may be thinking about direct contact based on the situation you find yourself in rather than it being a positive first choice.

I run the company and posted a photo on the company page that was also my cover photo on my personal FB. DS was in the photo but not recognisable (basically his silhouette from behind). She has said that I sent her this same photo in my last contact (I did not, I'm sure of it) and suspect she has found me on FB and recognised the photo from there.

I put a post asking for volunteers with a charitable cause - she claims this was sent to her by a friend who thought she might be interested (not entirely unbelievable given her closeness to us and her interests).

I do think it would be good for my son, and it has been something I've always thought about but it feels like once that door opens I cant shut it. Now feels like a good time to start it, whilst he is yoing enough for it to be informal and not a big deal.

We agreed to direct contact. I could really see how it could be beneficial - it demistifies and normalises adoption and the birth family, my son would see we got on and I think as he grew up it would be clear why she wasn't able to care for him. Unfortunately BM stopped it, which was a shame but I can see how it was hard for her. I said I would keep doing it as long as I believed it was in his best interest and it was consistent, so its better she stopped it rather than just not turning up.
Every case is different, but I think it is good to consider direct contact. So much does depend on the family - BM wasn't a risk and we got on. I'm glad we tried and I got to know her which I can tell my son about as he won't remember her, and she knows he's well cared for, loved and happy.

Thank you @sunnymam - I think the demistifying part strikes a chord with me. I talk positively about her and dont want to unintentionally elevate her to mythical goddess status if that makes sense? I'm also aware she may not want direct contact. The contact facilitators (Barnados) are sending me some more information on managing the benefits and risks, so my husband and I can make a decision before it is proposed to her.

Wishing you all the best with this big decision. I know direct contact does work well for some adopters. We have indirect letterbox with extended BF but due to the circumstances surrounding why my son was placed in care, direct contact would be completely inappropriate for a host of reasons.

As a birth parent I am not sure I would be able to manage direct contact depending on how frequent etc it would be. If it was just once a year then I think I may well struggle with each year seeing my child and then having to say goodbye all over again and not knowing for definite whether I would get to see them again the next year because IME my sons parents have already Changed contact arrangements a number of times. Therefore personally, unless there was a clear agreement in place and plenty of support I would with a very heavy heart decline as I have to consider my own emotional and mental well being (and the effects of that being damaged having an impact on our child as well) so I would rather say no than not be able to follow through.

Christmas I completely understand that, and would very much understand if our BM made the same decision and there would be no judgement. That said, our contact agreement has become more flexible to her advantage as time has gone on, we have given her more - more frequent, at her request, and photographs, and then photographs of his face. I am seeing her next week, supervised by her post-adoption support worker, to discuss some safeguarding now that she knows where we live.

I hope you can find a solution that works. In my opinion, direct contact is a wonderful thing. In Northern Ireland it is very common and seems to work well.

I run the company and posted a photo on the company page that was also my cover photo on my personal FB. DS was in the photo but not recognisable (basically his silhouette from behind). She has said that I sent her this same photo in my last contact (I did not, I'm sure of it) and suspect she has found me on FB and recognised the photo from there.

This would worry me enormously. It seems, from what you are saying, that BM has been using the photos you've sent and your social media to track you down. While that is understandable, it is still a violation of the contact agreement and your privacy.

Did she tell you she knew or come and find you in work?

BM is very mobile, also very stable and we have a good relationship.

it feels like once that door opens I cant shut it.

Obviously all BPs are different. Some will absolutely be people who might be a positive part of your child's life, but most will not. You will have some information about what factors led to the adoption. You need to be really hard headed in assessing the risks here: you don't really know BM; you don't have any control over what she shares with other BF. You absolutely can't shut that door easily if there is a problem.

I think you should take this really, really slowly. I would be very reluctant to do something like this until my child was older and I was certain that BM was very trustworthy with regards to boundaries.

I would not be making any decisions in a rush. You have years. In the meantime, talk to your SW and lock down your social media more.

My only experience of direct contact has been from FC and adopter friends and their experiences have been very negative. Personally I would have hated my BPs having this amount of involvement with my life, growing up. It would have felt like an invasion of privacy and like the choice was being removed from me (though it's a choice I would freely make now).

Forgive my doom mongering- I think you need to hear the cautionary argument. As a PP says, there is lots of evidence that it can be positive, when it's the right situation. Even if you decide no for now, I think keeping up good contact, on your terms, is great.

Ultimately, as the parents you just have to do what you think is right. Keep in mind that your only consideration is your sons's needs. BM's desires are not your responsibility.

I was adopted and I am very very grateful for the years when there was direct contact, there were many, many benefits. I think it basically comes down to how it is managed by the adopters and professionals, not on the BP (other than their commitment) as to the benefits and whether it will be good for the dc and successful.

Hopefully you will get some good info from Barnados. The safeguarding meeting sounds like it will be useful too, to try to get an idea of what happened.

This website has been updated since I last looked at it, and it has a lot of practical advice, and resources based on real life contact situations and an update to the its 1990s longitudinal study. They have also put together guidance for professionals re managing contact - I haven't looked at the updated site, but I would imagine it will have useful insights
www.uea.ac.uk/contact-after-adoption

My purely personal take on the permanence issue is that where the child feels grief/trauma relate to loss - which they may or may not be able to express - then if by well managed contact these things are processed and resolved, you are meeting a need which then builds attachment between you and a child. But this is just a personal theory based on personal experiences. I think that children can understand that they can love someone who cannot look after them and accept the relationship for what it is if everything is managed appropriately and communicated well.

Good luck!