Probably be rejected but have to try!

[MrsMarvellous]

have trawled through these boards for information and really am just wanting somewhere safe to share, as we aren't ready to discuss with anyone IRL yet.

Me and my husband both have our own seperate fertility issues that were diagnosed a few years ago. We both agreed back then we wouldn't pursue fertility treatments. I've always been open to adoption but he was always quite closed up until recently when he's had a change of heart and agreed we can at the very least speak to our local LA and VA's to see if we would even be considered.

We are 29 & 40 years old. Both have very high BMI (around 40) but he is very physically active and fit and also a qualified chef so does know about healthy food and portions etc. In practise. I am less physically active than him and asthmatic but still not a total couch potato. I'm also willing to start SW right now in order to bring down by BMI in the hopes of it making a difference.

We have two dogs, one of whom is trained really well and although she has her quirks I am confident would be no problem at all. The other is reasonably well trained but quite stubborn and hasn't spent much time around children. We are working on doing further training with her.

Financially we own our home, mortgage free and have absolutely no debts. The plan would be for my husband to leave his job (he works for a small business that would fold under the weight of paying a Paternity package) and be a stay at home parent for 12 to 18 months before finding himself part time work. I am the main earner and would continue to be so, taking around 10-12 weeks of adoption leave and annual leave to be home with them at first. We can afford this even if we don't save any money, but the plan is to save around £350 a month from now until that point to give us extra ££ to see us through this time. We do also already have ISA savings of around £12,000.

My work involves long shifts (12hours) but in exchange for this I only work 6-7 days out of 14 so would be very actively involved at home.

We have a good (theoretical) support network in place should we need it via DH parents and my own. We know a few other relatives and friends that have adopted so are not blind to the hard work involved, the long process, etc.

We do slightly lack in childcare experience. I have three nephews all under the age of 4 that I see around once a fortnight with family. I have a godson whose 6 months old I see regularly with his mum. I was always very close to my friends 3 daughters from ages 0 to 7 but unfortunately we've now lost contact as she moved countries.

We would be open to 0 to 5.

I'm arranging to speak to our local LA next week. We think we may be turned down due to our BMI/Dogs/DH mum has a diagnosed MH condition but feel we must try or we will never have closure.

Looking for a bit of a handhold from other prospective adopters and also if anyone has ever been successful in similar circumstances I'd love to hear!

Hi There,

This board is generally a really supportive and friendly one as well as a mine of information so never worry about posting.

None of what you mention should be a barrier to adoption. The social worker doing your assessment will be able to guide you.

Dogs - as long as the dogs are not aggressive and the social worker doesn’t feel would constitute a risk to a child they shouldn’t be an issue. What they will want to know is that if they become an issue post-adoption you would (if worst came to worst) re-home the dogs rather than disrupt.

BMI - My BMI is similar. They want to know why you are overweight and that you have an awareness of a balanced diet for your children. It is a really good idea to commit to losing weight now as the GP will be able to note you have lost weight during your medical check.

Family MH condition - this will be explored but should absolutely not be a problem.

You are both young in adoption terms and obviously have an active lifestyle which is great. The process can feel quite intrusive at times but if you are open and honest with the social worker you will be absolutely fine.

If you are serious about adoption,!Alongside contacting LA / VA I would recommend lurking on this board, reading as much as you can about adoption and attachment and possibly looking into some childcare experience.

@SFCA has given a really good reply.
I didn't persue fertility treatments either. You will be asked about this to make sure you have fully considered things as SW will not want you changing your mind part way through the process
BMI- maybe keep a log of lifestyle changes and weight loss.
Childcare experience- often SW like you to have some experience with kids who you don't know. Maybe think about volunteering at cubs/ brownies. You could offer to volunteer at a local nursery. Something that fits with your work commitments.
You could join Adoption UK and go along to local support group to speak to adopters and get a feel for what adoptive parenting entails.
Good luck and keep posting! 😁

Thanks for the replies guys, lots to do!

I've spent a lot of time going through these boards and will continue to do so, as well as going to some adoption evenings.

Good idea regarding the volunteering. I did do a placement for a year in a local nursery as part of my GCSE's but that was obviously a long time ago and a lot of what I learned went in one ear and out the other at that age.

My BMI was higher, my childcare experience less when I got approved. I don’t hear a barrier. 💐

We think we may be turned down due to our BMI/Dogs/DH mum has a diagnosed MH condition but feel we must try

Yep. I don't think those are substantial barriers either. Some individual SWs are arseholes unusually fussy about dogs or BMI but not the majority.

You need to start trying to lose weight and show some health conciousness (not least because you want to be around for great grandkids).

You need to be willing to put the children before dogs if there are problems.

Two things I think will be bigger (but not huge) problems:

You need to really get into how your husband feels about adoption and make sure it is the right thing for him. He needs to be very sure.

Those shifts are a bit of problem. A full years maternity/paternity between you and then one person being as available as possible afterwards is what you are aiming for.

Good luck.

Thank you for the advice @donquixotedelamancha.

Lots to think about.
Good to know that they'd prefer we were both home for that amount of time. I think if I start saving heavily now then that shouldn't be a problem.

@SFCA’s reply is spot on. My BMI was about the same and they really wanted to see. If I understood the risks and was prepared to work at it. They saw the fact that I am very active as a big plus.

We did have a dog when we were approved and whilst she really wasn’t a barrier to approval, to be honest I do think that she was a barrier in competitive matches. Dare I say it especially being a Staffie. She passed away whilst we were waiting and we really did notice we got more interest once she was removed from our profiles.

That's really helpful thank you.

We've arranged to go to a local drop in session for our LA next week to get some more information and register our interest. I don't know if we will begin the process then and there or if we will need a few weeks to really get our ducks in a row but I'm feeling very excited and nervous and excited and nervous. Rinse and repeat!

Have started having a gander at attachment theory and disorders etc. And trying to find some adoption related books at the library (I love the library).

I know we are only at the very, very beginning and there's still so much to consider and we could be refused etc; but for the first time in my life I actually believe there's a chance I could be a parent and that's a lovely feeling.

You sound a bit like us, we daren't believe we would ever have a family so spent our whole adoption process listing our faults and why we would be rejected. We have two dogs, 2 cats, we thought our finances wouldn't be good enough, you name it we would find fault. I remember at one early meeting that was going really I started highlighting potential problems with dogs and kids to the social worker!
My advice is believe you will be great parents and you deserve this. Work on your BMI now. Start some dog training, we got a dog behaviorist round to help us get the dogs in to a routine that would work when we have a family. We didn't talk about it much with social work but they really appreciated we were taking everything so seriously.
Whatever you decide, good luck.

@MrsMarvellous That's wonderful you are feeling more positive. Let us know how you get on! 😉

This question is so far passed "running before you can walk" that it's more like "marathons before you can crawl;

But does anyone know if there are any specific rules regarding boilers / fire escape windows / minimum room sizes?

Our fire window and boiler are in the (smaller) back bedroom, which I am assuming would have to be our room if we were successful. But I don't think we would fit our (super king size) bed and wardrobe, vanity etc. Into that room. The front bedroom is stupidly big for a child's room though, would SS be put off if I carved a bit of space off to create a "3rd bedroom" / "office space" for that furniture.....or would that make it look like I wasn't prioritising their needs???

Just trying to think practically now before my head becomes an excited mush later on.

It did t come up during our home check and now you mention it our fire escape window is in DS room, but he won’t be able to open it for another few years.

Just thought I'd come back with an update;

After a few VA open evenings and speaking to our local LA we decided to pursue the LA.

We've had our initial phone call and home visit from SW and have done our registration of interest! SW seems positive.

Yay! Covid is horrible but I am on cloud 9 right now for the future.

Great news!

This is a lovely update! I wanted to mention re fire plans etc, we had to have a lockable medicine cabinet installed in the bathroom and have a fire extinguisher and a fire blanket in the kitchen.
We had to agree to de home our cats if there as any issue with them and the children.
We adopted a 6 month old baby boy, who has just turned 4.
We hadn’t explored any fertility treatments which they seemed to treat as a positive as we had chosen adoption rather than it being perceived as a last resort iyswim.

Excited for you @MrsMarvellous !! We don't have a fire extinguisher, fire blanket, and at the time we didn't have windows you could get out of other than in the baby's room. We weren't told to get new windows but we had them done just before lock down this year as they were 30 years old.

We also didnt have stair gates up when the home safety checks were done. We just showed the social worker that we had new ones in the boxes ready to put up. We put them up the week DD came home!

Thanks for all the support everyone, it is very exciting and daunting at the same time.

I feel guilty for wishing away the months and hoping it is over soon as obviously that means there's lots of children waiting, but on the other hand due to the age range we've specified it's driving me bonkers knowing "my child" is already alive somewhere out there without me. Does that make sense?