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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.


Has anyone ever withdrawn from a link?

11 replies

gutinstinctadopt · 03/02/2020 21:51

I'm having a wobbly today.

We've been linked with a little girl. My husband fell in love with her instantly, as soon as we saw the profile. I didn't but I am a naturally more cautious person.

CPR was what we expected and didn't throw up any issues that we weren't prepared to deal with.

But now we have met the social workers, foster carers etc and some health issues have come to light that we didn't know about. We had previously ruled out children with this issue.

My husband still wants to go ahead. I keep veering between yes and no. We're quite far into the link and only a few weeks from matching panel. I've talked to social services but they reassure me and say it's not that bad. I am a worrier at heart so maybe I am overthinking things and focusing too much on the 'bad'. I feel so conflicted and like no one is listening to me. The impact on my husband and relationship if I withdrew us now would be huge. But I will be the primary carer and my gut instinct is currently screaming "this isn't right!!" but then on other days, and at other times, it says "this child is a good fit." I suppose there's no way of knowing and I can't go entirely by gut instinct. But it is important.

Also, I like to research so I have read a lot about this condition. My husband is an intelligent guy but not as obsessive as me... he read some google results and has decided it will be fine. I don't think he's prepared for the reality and the social workers are definitely not preparing him.

Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
HelloRoaring20s · 04/02/2020 05:14

Is it possible to discuss her medical situation with a medical specialist?
To get a better idea from a neutral party of how it will effect her and you?

Niffler75 · 04/02/2020 08:22

I know you may be reluctant to disclose the medical condition on this forum but often these conditions have associated charities with helplines. These charities are sources of really great info and resources.
If a child does have a health condition bear in mind they may be eligible for additional additional benefits such as DLA and carers allowance that can be an absolute godsend .

veejayteekay · 04/02/2020 09:12

Hi OP I'd rather not discuss details on forum but I have had experience of this in what sounds like very similar situation. Hardest thing I've ever done and still hard to talk about but I'd be happy to have a conversation through inbox if helpful. Feel free to PM me. Sorry if I am a little slow replying but will get back to you asap x

defaultusername · 04/02/2020 15:33

Why have these issues come out only now? Any kind of "covering up" from SWs etc would make me want to pull out, because you don't know what else you've not been told the whole story about.

Presumably you decided against this condition for a reason? And that reason stands? There will be other parents for this LO, and knowing your own limitations and strengths will make you a good parent.

BL7cr · 04/02/2020 16:30

I won’t try and offer advice about whether this match is right or not, I think you need to try and decide whether this is just you being cautious or if your instinct is telling you to back out for good reason.
However just wanted to offer a different perspective on the medical issue. Sometimes it can actually be easier to adopt a child with a known and documented health condition. Most adopted children will need a lot of additional support, and this can be easier to get when you have a diagnosis of some kind. We have two children, one with a serious recognised condition and the other without. Both children need additional support and whilst the child with a diagnosis does need more support, we have evidence that enables us to get DLA and additional support in school and support from the hospital.
You can’t really adopt and escape your child being likely to have needs above their peers, so sometimes it can be better to go into it at least knowing what some of the issues will be.
Good luck

Strugglingmum73 · 04/02/2020 20:09

Would you/they consider a bump in meeting? It might help bring the child to life for you and may help in your decision.

fantasticfringe · 04/02/2020 20:28

Hi please do not go ahead with this link just because of everybody else. You need to be happy with what you are taking on - yes, excited, worried within reason, but as confident as you can be that you are making the right decision. As you say you are the primary carer and if this child has greater issues than you are willing to take on you may end up resentful and overwhelmed. Could you ask for a delay of a couple of weeks so that you can genuinely research the condition and weigh up the likely reality of the situation?
My perspective is that of an adopter who took on more than she could chew. It's not rainbows and unicorns, we are all hanging on in there but my advice would be don't disadvantage yourself from the outset.
Good luck.

ifchocolatewerecelery · 04/02/2020 22:54

It's a medical condition so Social Services are not the appropriate people to offer advice on it. I'm surprised that your panel has been set if this is a new medical condition. Our panel was delayed because a potential medical issue came up and until after LO had seen a paediatrician so we had all the information necessary to make an informed decision. I would strongly advise you to delay your panel until you and your husband have met with a paediatrician who can give you an unbiased opinion on the condition, google is not appropriate here either.

There is a reason why you said no to adopting a child with this condition and that's something both you and your husband have to remember.

You say pulling out of the link would have a massive impact on your marriage but ultimately taking on a child whose needs are beyond those you said you could cope will do so too.

Doryhunky · 04/02/2020 22:57

Listen to your instinct

TheReef · 17/02/2020 21:19

If in doubt don't go with it.

Allgrownup3 · 18/02/2020 18:22

I pulled out of a link. On paper the child was perfect. Their sw was really interested. Just didn't feel right. I felt bad at my decision. But, my LO was meant to be.

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