Is this post adoption depression?

[NMN781]

I'm struggling today, have been all weekend, last week was good days and bad. Have been questioning my ability to parent 2 siblings. I'm not sure I'm up to it, mentally or physically.
Yes, I know parenting is hard /boring /repetative etc etc. We knew adoption was hard. I think I thought I would be a better mum, could carry everyone and run the household better than I feel I am. But shouldn't I be finding some joy now, over 3 months later? I'm concerned I don't have any feelings for the kids, there's been no change. I feel like I survive the day, relieved when they're in bed and it's quiet.
We're still waiting for nursery placement for the 4yo, they keep telling me how this will be a game changer as I'll only have his sister for 4 mornings a week.
This morning I've been such a grump, very short tempered and just don't want to interact with them which I find incredibly sad.

Hi! All I can say is that what you are feeling is absolutely normal. One thing that I had to learn as part of this process is to give up on trying to be the perfect parent and just focus on being a good parent who is willing to change and grow. We all have this perfect idea of the type of parent we wish we would be, however when faced with reality things work out differently and we soon find out that we are indeed human, that we make mistakes, that we not always react in the best way possible to situations, and that we sometimes feel annoyed, stressed and negative because of our kids. However, the important thing is that we are willing to change and to become a better version of ourselves. In this regard our kids have a lot to teach us. I’m sure other people here will give you lots of helpful advice on how to improve the situation, however my advice to you is that you let go of that idea of what you consider to be the ‘perfect mum’ and simply focus on being a good parent who takes care of their children and meets their basic needs.

@NMN781 Hi from a fellow adopter. Please be gentle with yourself. So many adopters feel like this. I certainly did for the first 6 months at least and still struggle at times. Adopting is tough, adopting sibling doubly so!
You say that you are having good days. That's awesome! Do you have any support around you?
Parenting via adoption is very different to normal parenting. Most people think of it as skipping into the sunset and everyone lives happily ever after. Please don't beat yourself up for having these feelings.
Post adoption depression is very common. It may be helpful to speak with your GP.
Get plenty of rest, focus on the basics. Easy meals, basic housework only!
I am sure others will be along to support shortly! Take care 😉

Also, I love my kids to bits, but I always feel relieved when the day is over and they are in bed. That’s when I finally have some ‘me’ time.

I really feel that it’s perfectly normal to feel how you do, it’s everything you always wanted but not how you thought it would be. Most adoptive parents feel this way especially with siblings, get as much help as possible try and have one to one with each child even if it’s just playing with one while the other ones on the iPad oh thank hod for iPad don’t know how I would have got through it, get them to the park let them run lose I used to take a flask of coffee and snacks we called it out winter picnic, take the pressure of yourself do the best you can and don’t be afraid to admit when it’s a bad day or week we all have them. Those bonds will grow ever so slowly they will creep up on you one day I promise just lower your expectations we all think it’s going to be like the holiday adverts boy girl mum and dad running along the sand hand in hand laughing, my reality has been more like that in my head always hopeful, but things like one throwing sand in the others eyes 15 mins after getting there I literally sat back and thought owe how lovely this is,half hour later all in A&E. It’s the hardest job in the world and I’m coming to you with a fair bit of experience 4 BC 1 adopted and foster career of siblings. It will get better but until then keep posting you will get so much support

But shouldn't I be finding some joy now, over 3 months later?

Isn’t it funny how we put a clock on our own expectations - I think 3 months in is pretty hard especially if you’ve got them home all of the time. You’re describing how I, and many others, have felt in the early days - it sounds completely normal. Everyone has had their life turned on it’s head - everyone. Take it easy, if you have the kids all day when do you get some down time? Time away, without kids to deal with helps enormously because you have more stamina when you go back to them even if you’ve just had an hour for coffee by yourself.

Go easy, try not to judge yourself.

Thank you, some of these are things I have been telling myself, my OH and I discussed depression after the children's social worker suggested me going to the doctor. I think the phrase 'sometimes I just feel dead inside' was used on a particularly dramatic moment and freaked her out.
We knew we'd struggle as we don't really have a family support system nearby and I haven't been able to integrate into 'normal' life yet. We had an intensive period of weeks of funnelling which sent us demented as no one would choose to spend 13 hours in the sole company of their children! We found that any visitors we had would result in the next day or two of really hard work for me - sibling rivalry for my attention and being constantly followed. OH is currently working from home most days if he can as otherwise I was on my coping on my own all week as he returns home after bathtime. Even so, I still feel there's no downtime for me apart from the couple of hours after bedtime. There is a glimmer of hope in that they can occasionally play for ten minutes in a different room without seeking me out now but I am constantly on high alert for fights and tantrums!
SW are providing someone to do a weekly play therapy session which starts this week and our social worker is still coming weekly.
I don't think I ever thought life would be magical, I knew it would be hard I just thought I'd be able to put up with it better than I am, and find some satisfaction somewhere in the day.

My two were slightly older but by 12 weeks they were in school and nursery at my SW suggestion to make sure I got some time and space. I really needed it, to get my head round how much my life has changed and to have some time when I didn’t have a child clinging to me.

In terms of a nursery place, so you know what’s taking so long given he’s entitled to preschool at 4 (in Scotland, elsewhere he’d be in school already). Even after he goes you’ll still have one to care for - I’m wondering if you get any child free time at the moment?

and find some satisfaction somewhere in the day.

Sometimes the only satisfaction you find is in “everybody fed, nobody dead”, my two threw themselves off of, into, under and through just about every physical obstacle they could find - we were frequent flyers at A&E. Look for the little, most basic of things.

We're in Scotland, nursery provision now starts at 3 years and is going up to 30 hours in August. He was at nursery in a different area, our LA is taking its sweet time processing and SW haven't been able to speak to anyone to speed things up yet, very frustrating. We'd be happy to pay meantime but don't want to start him then be told he won't be placed, and therefore funded, there. Last email said it could be the end of February before we hear back which just about broke me I have to say.
The plan would be for his sister, who's 3 later this year, to start soon after him for at least one if not two mornings or afternoons.
At the moment I get to walk the dog once a day and that's my child free, out of the house time. Not much!

My life changed immeasurably for the better when my son went to nursery each afternoon. I just approached my local school which has an on site nursery and asked that he start as they had spare capacity (just). I just had to prove that I was entitled to be caring for him and that I lived in the area. You should have a health visitor assigned to you? If so, lean on her. Mine is absolutely brilliant and has the time to make calls that SW does not. (Ps 2 year olds in Scotland can get free nursery care in your circumstances as far as I am aware).

I’m in Scotland too - you may find part of the problem is that local authorities still aren’t sure how they’re going to offer 30 hours come summer I know it’s thrown nursery admissions into the air in a few authority areas. It would be good for you to have some childfree time just to breathe a bit. Do you have a partner, and do they look after the children to give you time away?

A handhold from me. I haven't adopted but just wanted to say that at 4 yo 10 minutes independent play is pretty good - it's just the case with littler ones that they need constant company and watching over. I can't imagine what a shock it must be to suddenly have two kids. Or maybe I can a bit - I had twins, and for a very long time I was completely overwhelmed, and only bonded with them them very gradually. Until you do, it is basically a question of survival, get through it, do all the practical stuff, everything you can, put a smile on as much as you can - fake it till you make it, essentially. You will get there. But a lovely, rewarding family life (as I imagined it to be before having them!) in my experience didn't come till quite a bit later. They are 7 now, and we have some pretty enjoyable days together. But it's still hard and there is sometimes no respite. I would echo others though, find a way to get some timeout, everyone needs that to stay sane. And then I guess stay open to the individuals they are, get to know them, and let them into your world as much as you can.

You are really doing a lot better than you think you are. Are they fed, warm, clothed, clean ish ? Thats all you need for now.
Lower your expectations and standards, no one is harmed by a bit of dust, an unmade bed, unironed clothes, eating fish fingers or other freezer food wont hurt them.

TV is not the enemy, is there anything they will watch whilst you sit down with a cuppa. My son was older at eight, but buying him the complete Paddington Bear and Mr Benn gave me a good hour a day. Get out with them, can they manage soft play?
I am eight years along, all the evidence is that Ive done a good job with my boy, but I still feel like a rubbish mum at times. Im very short tempered with him at the moment for reasons which really arent his fault, so I have a lot of making up to do, but we will get through it.
The moments of joy will come when you least expect it, but maybe for now the satisfaction may have to be just surviving the day

We keep telling ourselves that things could be so much worse, but of course that doesn't make your feel any better when you're stuck in the middle of it! We always knew my DH would need more time out than me, he's always been that way, so I found it hard to get any time at first until I told him he needed to step up because I couldn't do it on my own. It's a tricky one, he has a stressful job and needs time to decompress so if I ask too much of him he gets ratty with me and the kids and we end up falling out! I've had two solo excursions in 3 months - is that bad?!
We know there are spaces available at the nursery as we visited them all before making a choice, they're a private nursery, now classed as a partnership agency and not actually run under the local authority so not sure if that's got anything to do with it too.

They got tablets fairly soon after arrival, was feeling slightly guilty but at that point I'd have done anything to get some moments of respite throughout the day!

We know there are spaces available at the nursery as we visited them all before making a choice, they're a private nursery, now classed as a partnership agency and not actually run under the local authority so not sure if that's got anything to do with it too.
It depends on your local authority and how they are facilitating the additional hours. I know a number of private nurseries are struggling because they won’t be able to offer reduced hours or shorter sessions etc - in some areas they need to be able to offer 30 hours a week even if the parent only wants to use 2/3 days. So yes, I suspect it being a partnership nursery has some bearing because they won’t know what their funding will be next year.

In terms of getting out on your own yes, your partner needs to step up more. You both need equal decompression time - his job may be pressured and stressful, but so is yours right now and you both decided to go through the adoption process. He will need to find new ways to decompress and manage his emotions in exactly the same way you do. And he needs to build his confidence in caring for his children and that won’t happen if you’re there all the time.

Right from the start we’d both have time away at the weekend, he’d go for a swim, I’d go for a coffee. You can’t be together with that level of intensity all the time - you’ll go crazy. How many solo outings has he had since the children arrived?

Not many to be fair, neither of us are social butterflies and we were quite an independent couple until now. There's so many factors adding in an extra annoyance factor, eg needing time to clear out our bedroom after Christmas etc but not being able to do it with the kids around or in bed. Their social worker says we're just feeling overwhelmed. Yeah, and the rest!

Thank you for starting this thread NMN781. I’m also in Scotland and we’ve been fostering to adopt twins for a year next week. Nothing could have ever prepared us for this experience/challenge and I received little to no support/advice from SW, who have been totally useless in my case and continue to be. This has added overwhelmingly to my stress levels and we can’t wait to see the back of them!
I thought I was going to be a super duper Mum and that due to our life experience we’d be experts at this (I’m actually laughing at myself now for being so naive) To say that 18 month old twins brought me to my knees is an understatement, and often still do!!!!! I had to give up on trying to be a super duper Mum as it’s just not even nearly achievable. I have recently managed to get the twins into a playgroup ( LA partnership provider) two mornings a week (now they are 2) however we started with an hour a day for 2 months to get them settled. They now also go to a childminder for 2 days a week, again we’re settling them into this routine slowly. I met some childminders and parents through a local Bookbug group in my village and received offers of support, which has really helped. I applied for government funding as they’re still officially ‘looked after children’ by the council. I’m also going to be applying for the 1140 hours in April. My local authority is having drop in sessions at the end of the month to advise on the new funded hours as it appears to be very confusing.
My husband works away from time to time so it’s been really tough not to take out my frustrations on him.
I also get looks of disgust from the dog who really enjoyed our selfish outdoor life before the twins arrived, lol!
Phew, we all have so much to deal with in this rollercoaster of adoption/life. I’m also currently writing this while I have some respite from toddler sickness and diarrhoea which has been going on for 2 days. Bleaching, washing cleaning everything in sight at the moment. If I don’t laugh I might just crumble up in a heap in a dark corner 😂

Thanks again for starting this post. I wonder if there are any support coffee catch ups for fellow adopters so we can all laugh or cry together? Xx

Sometimes that's all it needs , someone to laugh and even cry with who actually gets it and won't judge !
How I wish we could start our own little coffee morning for those of us who support each other on these boards. Maybe we should have an annual weekend get together ? Minus kids of course, a nice little country hotel with spa and fantastic food,

Oh well we can dream can't we ?