Freaking out to the MAX!

[Lara82]

Hi everyone it is my first time in a forum. I’m desperate for advice. I can cry with the anxiety I am going through.

I have been married for 12 years with my best friend it’s been nothing but amazing. Unfortunately 6 failed IVFS we stopped all treatment for 8 years. I am 37 turning 38 soon my husband wants one last shot at IVF I have said No. had a nervous breakdown after the final one and no way want to go through all that again.

Now we know adopting is the only way for us to have kids: I naturally suffer from anxiety and I’m so so scared that I may regret it? May not be a great mom? May be too overwhelmed? Why ruin a good dynamic?

I have a job I love, we have lots of dinners out, movie nights. We travel 4-5 times a year. I don’t know if I’m too selfish to be a mom? Am I going to make a crazy bad decision? Ironically I always wanted to be a mom and I think after 12 years just me and my husband we have made a little bubble of calm. My husband is a star he tells me when your ready tell me so he can send off the paper work. I am so the most indecisive person ever and this decision is causing me so much anxiety I can cry with frustration.

Anyone was like me? Dizzy with fear? Is all this emotion a red flag I’m not ready to be a mom? I’m so so so so anxious I can vomit 🤢. My husband said it’s 2020 it’s now or never he’s 38. He said we need to do it this year or never talk about it again? And not to live in regret.

At the weekends we wake up at 10am we live in such a calm and peaceful home and even though we want to be parents ( think him more than me) now it’s got to the crunch time: how do I know is it for me?

Actually considered getting my cards read and is adoption on the cards? And is it going to be the biggest mistake of my life or the best decision? This is how crazy fast my mind is racing:

That’s how confused I am my heads never hurt so much.

Please tell me are these feelings normal? Should I run away while I can? Or should I jump into it and not think twice.

Anyone regretted it? Anyone have advice? Is someone so anxious the wrong person to be adopting? Am I too selfish? I know we have a big heart with lots of love but I’m so so so scared it physically hurts.
My nightmare is growing old not surrounded by love 😢

Wow you sound so overwhelmed. Firstly being 38 is really quite young in adoption terms and you have been through so much.

In your position, I would take a breather for 6 months or so. Then get some counselling to work out what you want to do. Sadly there will always be children waiting to be adopted and you are young so you can afford to wait.

I adopted a newborn at 42 and she is the light of my life and I have never once regretted it.

Best wishes to you x

Hiya; I’m new here too and me and my OH decided that after a failed ivf we don’t want any more and are looking to adopt. We haven’t made any head way yet as we wanted to get settled into the new year before making the call.

I am such a worrier; I can worry myself out of getting in the car. Irrational worry is me.
We have two dogs; fish and a horse. Out of all those things I am worried that they won’t let me have a child because I have a horse! How ridiculous is that.
My OH is like yours; we are ready for this step but it’s walking into the unknown. I am planning on getting the ball rolling in the spring. Would be nice to keep in contact and share our journeys.

Firstly I think you need to calm down a bit. Having worries and fears are natural but maybe not at such a level of anxiety.
Having your cards read is no basis for a decision either way. No you should not just jump in and not think twice.
As someone else has suggested counselling may be helpful. What you most need now is information and perhaps a less rosy tinted view of parenthood.
Having children, birth or adopted, is no gaurantee you wil grow old 'surrounded by love'. You need to understand where chidren in the care system come from, the impact it has on them and what that means for you as parents.
Both you and your husband need to want to adopt and be totally committed. Many people adopt in their 40s so you have plenty of time

I’m quite a decisive person, but deciding whether to adopt or have ivf was an extremely difficult decision. My husband was very keen on adoption from the start so the decision was really mine to make. I did loads of research and decided to attend an information evening as a first step. I rang four different agencies and went to the information evening of the agency I liked the most. Taking it one step at a time and knowing you can halt the process at anytime made things seem a little less daunting. Fast forward 7 years and I have three beautiful children asleep in bed. Adoption has been an amazing experience for us and although life is certainly not calm, we feel very lucky. Life definitely changes, but I have never regretted the decision I made. Good luck for the future x

I was on medication for anxiety when we adopted having been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and a history of panic attacks. It was talked about a lot during the process with concerns being raised about my ability to cope. The reality for me though is that becoming a mum through adoption has actually made me a less anxious person overall.

We were also asked the question did we understand how a child would impact our lives, the whole no more 10am weekend lie in thing that you mention. I couldn't answer the question because we saw having a child has a natural extension of our lives. Yes we new our lifestyle would change but life is about change and these are the changes we wanted. My anxiety was more around being approved and matched and fear that our LO would go on to reject us in favour of birth family as an adult rather than around the things you describe.

I think you need to do research around the issues surrounding modern adoption and maybe contact your LA and some agencies for more information. You also need to work out what you're actually worried about and I'd suggest counselling for this.

Regret is a strong word but yes, if I could go back in time I don't think I would have adopted. We have had a very difficult time though and our experience is probably not the norm, but I do think you need to be prepared and have realistic expectations. I miss my old life terribly. But then again, I was deeply unhappy as I wanted to be a mother so much so I suppose it's grass is always greener syndrome. I'd suggest if you are an anxious person that you have some counselling to help you male your decision and also do lots of research to prepare you for what's to come. Faced with the realities of modern day adoption, honestly, missing your weekend lie in will be the least of your problems. I wish you well.

Hey there. Fwiw i think that the fact you are even posting about yOur hesitations and thought process is a sign of maturity and consxicientiousness that will no doubt hold you in good stead should you decide you would like to become a parent.

I'm someone who's fairly recently adopted (my 16m old came home about 3 months ago) and who also suffers from anxiety and has had ups and downs through the process (as have we all) so I feel I can offer some contribution though please bear in mind that the experience of having children, the experience of sufferinng with anxiety and the experience of adoption and how those things all interrelate for one person all depends on so much context. So no one can know what's right but you.

There are some ppl who would tell you that there is enough time and space in the adoption process to make a start and see where it takes you and how your feelings lay after some initial enquires (the first stage is quite adminstrative and you are certainly not signing your life away at that stage!) And there are others who would say you both need to be 100% commited from the outset as adoption is such an arduous and thorough process. I think there are truths and unrealisticness in both views.

I am convinced it's impossible for anyone to be truly "ready" for children or adoption and I would challenge anybody who claims neither they or their partner had any niggling doubts upon starting but what I would say is adoption does need to feel quite a conscious choice. And social workers would expect you to have got fairly advanced in your thought process of saying goodbye to fertility treatment (it sounds as tho you have in your own way) and the possibility of trying for biological children (at least any time soon) and will ask quite intrusive questions fairly early in about your choice to pursue adoption so it is true that they will no doubt detect if they feel you are going into it with concerns that it's right for you and it may help you to process some of those feelings and anxities more over the next few months so that you feel clearer in your decision by the time if and when you pick up the phone to an agency.

This is just my opinion but I often feel that ultimatums aren't really appropriate for such huge milestones in life. I know a lot changes in a relationship and in yourself over the course of months and years so to expect yourself to shut the door on the whole thing after this year seems a little arbitrary and I'm not sure this is a helpful way to approach things. As others have said at your age you would still be considered on the younger side for adopting (many ppl sfopt well into their 50s and beyond and as early 30 something's we were talked about like we were babies!) So there is time. That's an advantage of adoption there are not some of the limitations that biology dictates to us.

Agencies run regular information events for ppl who are "adoption curious" and id really recommend going along to one. There is no commitment involved, you can just hear a little.more.about it, get a feel for whether it may be right for you and take some time to discuss with your partner. I'd also check our several agencies as their approach can vary hugely.

Finally about your anxiety and also your worries about your change in lifestyle. I suffer from anxiety and I won't lie. There are times it has peaked throughout the process and ive had to be quite resilient and militant about self care to ensure that things haven't got on top of me too much. Since my son's been home inevitably buttons have been pressed anf I've had times I've wondered if I've done the right thing or whether I'm cut our for parenting. I have also regularly lamented my "old" life. I don't want to minimize those types of feelings as they're very real and understandable. My partner and I were together 13ys before adopting so had built a whole life around a childless lifestyle and three are still things I really miss. But o guess I. My situation the balance of good vs bad days has generally been in my favour and I made a decision quite a long time ago that ultimately having a child was what I wanted to prioritise but knowing that would mean sacrifices. And only you will know how important and life defining those sacrifices are or aren't.

For balance you may want to check out gateway women s charity for women "childless by choice". This may help you think about how your life can be fulfilling and enriching without children in it or thinking about that may confirm that you can't imagine your life without children in it.

Sorry for essay hope it's helpful. Best if luck in whatever you decide xxx

I would echo the advice given. Counselling and research would be a good start to help you make this decision. You’ve been through an awful lot. I couldn’t imagine the emotional journey you’ve been on.

I was very naive when I went into adoption. I had a birth child, worked with kids of different ages and with kids on care. I’d seen the impact trauma could have. But none of that prepared me for the emotional stress of adoption. I read a few books but didn’t understand any of it until a few months into placement.

I wish I could say I didn’t regret it but some days I do. I was happy before. I’m not happy now. Some days are happier than others. Some days I think we can be happy again but we are not there yet. (It’s been almost a year and a half).

My advice would be to take a deep breath and talk lots. Ask about information evenings. Meet adoptive parents. Read a few books. Get to a place where you feel informed before moving forward.

I wish you all the best