Meeting foster parents, what to ask?

[Scott2019]

Hey Everybody,

Long lurker, first time starting a thread. We're near the end of our adoption journey and have been matched to a lovely group of children, we're due to meet the foster parents and wondering if anyone has a list of questions or advice on what best to ask?

We only have a short amount of time with the foster parents, so keen to maximize what we get from the session.

Thanks,

Scott

There is a great list on Adoption uk website. We printed this off and just highlighted the relevant ones.

www.adoptionuk.org/faqs/questions-for-foster-carers-and-social-workers

Is this
a) as part of confirmation you are going ahead
or
b) as part of introductions

Assuming (a) I would check

• current behaviour
• current medical
• current development
• what behaviour was like when they first moved in as it may regress again on being moved to you

Try to make sure they tell you 'warts and all' and don't speak to you in euphemisms.
e.g. what do lively & challenging mean exactly

Something I forgot to ask is what age clothes lo was in. I didn't realise til introductions he was smaller for his age so nothing we had would fit and he came with a small amount of clothes

Ask about the household routine. It took me ages to work out that our LO was waking around 10.30 and 4.30 because that was the time FCs went to bed and got up and she'd shared a room with them so was used to hearing noise around those times.

Also it's important to know what their routine is because it affects LO's routine. You're told to stick rigidly to FC's routine but actually it might not make sense when they come home.

Their contact details/ if you are okay to WhatsApp them etc. To keep in touch before intros.

• we asked tell us about behaviour if x is sad/angry/happy what is the true version (screaming? Tantrums? Anxiety? And the opposite behaviour also)
• we asked about how children were doing (updates from the cpr and the fcs can give you real life experience)

Agree with all of the above. Also add in a question about what clothes and bedding are washed in so you can make a switch in advance to keep things smelling familiar to them. Also what are their favourite foods so you can start stocking up on anything in advance of intros. Definitely agree about WhatsApp though - that kept us sane in the couple of months before Matching Panel and Intros!

Make sure you get the same information for each child. We adopted two, the foster careers clearly favoured one child over the other so we heard all about his favourite toys, foods, music etc etc. I had to press them for the same information about our daughter and it quickly became apparent that after 3 years of placement they didn’t know her (“she’s hard on toys, hasn’t shown any interest in music etc etc). We found ourself left with one child we knew quite a bit about, and one we had very little practical information about.

Ask for photos. One of my regrets is that I have no photos of where my daughter lived for the first year of her life. I have photos of her doing things in the house but not the house itself and they've since completely remodelled and redecorated so it's lost forever.

Hey there. So sorry if I repeat anything anyone's said (writing this in a nap window!!) But I know that things I wished I'd asked or clarified with foster carers is one of the main things I've thought about since adopting. Luckily we have regular contact with them (that's a great Q to discuss together - level of contact after LO comes home and whether they will be available to ask Qs etc - most will be more than happy) so we have been able to go back n forth but even so there are things it would've been easier to talk about during intros / meetings. If I think about the things that have made a difference in reality once home it's be these:

• a really good understanding of how and if each self settled when distressed or for sleep times. Understanding of what comforts or upsets then and any fail safe tips about things that will help them feel more comfortable when home. For example our foster parents were lovely but described our LO as very adaptable with sleep I'd have to respectfully disagree. He actually has been raised to have very particular needs to help him soothe to sleep etc

• food - what likes and dislikes are. I agree with a lot of posters in the past who have said that familiarity is really key when they come home for first few weeks and alho you may not agree with diet given in care I'd highly recommend keeping meals similar until you can start to make gradual changes a few weeks in

• what their lifestyle is like and how much business/quiet your LOs are used to. For example is it a busy household with lots of comings and goings or are the LOs on a house with lots of quiet and structure? Unfortunately (and nobody's fault) but a lot of foster carers by nature or what they do will have quite busy households where routines may not be as structured as you may want them to be at home because the LOs in their care need to sligjtly adapt around foster carers other responsibilities. This can help give you an awareness of likely contrasts or similarities with your own household and anything you might want to think about. E.g. might an LO who is used to being very social with other children struggle with the first few weeks of cocooning when you come home?

• routine routine routine! Following on from the above I wish I'd have gained a much more detailed understanding of their day to day routine before coming home. Is thought I'd got this from intros but with hindsight there was so much we just kinda chucked ourself onto and we didn't spend enough time understanding the more fiddly aspects of his care. I really really wish I'd pressed for a written run down of times etc for routine but I was a bit too polite about it. This will be a godsend when home. Even details like how to make up bottles or what they have packed in their nappy/school bags is so helpful

• it's sensitive and sumx is a Q we don't want answered but from a developmental perspective are there any particular concerns or worries they've had? I know you'll have CPR info from social workers but I learned in practice even the child's SW will have limited knowledge of the day to day and foster carers can give you a good idea of little things to keep an eye on

• key milestones and memories - I sumx feel sad I was so caught up in the practicalities of getting through intros we didn't actually get that much time to talk about memories foster family had of him or what he was like as a younger baby. They gave me a book of lovely photos and as I say we are in touch but sumx i wish I'd have locked down some nice stories to tell him when older (but this can be an intros thing)

• finally this may not seem important during meeting but again with hindsight I think it's good to have an understanding of how foster carers approach intros. How much will they be in the room with you, which day do they typically start to withdraw a little and let you step on more, what will be the comings and goings in their house during those weeks, and how much independent time will they allow you. Also do they have capacity to physically show you things before you do them (ours were lovely but threw is in deep end a bit!). You may also want to touch sensitively on what steps they are taking now to ease the transition. A good foster carer should be preparing for the change and helping LO one to prepare too.

Finally advice I wish I'd taken...don't be too polite about it all. I let my gratitude and amazement at what a good job foster carers were doing overtake my more control freak tendencies which was good in a way but meant I didn't ask enough Q's for fear of looking picky, and I didn't ask "why?" Enough so I could understand why they made certain choices in LOs upbringing. I also wish I'd asked them to repeat and write down info more. I was too scared of being a pain but they were a little vague with some things and woolly and I could've really done with definitive info on some things. Don't be scared to ask them to repeat anything however many times you need them to.

Best of luck and sorry for essay! Xxx