told by many so called no longer friends that because we've both had bad upbringings that it will affect are way of raising a child. Personally I think the opposite
It absolutely will affect how you raise a child because you can’t unhave those experiences and they will have left their mark. SW will be looking for you to have an understanding of how you and your wife’s experiences in childhood have impacted you for better and worse and will need you to be able to talk openly to them about what those experiences were. Your SW will need to know that you have reflected on your upbringing and that you understand that the way we are parented influences the people we are. They will want to know that as far as possible you have resolved your trauma and that you also understand there’s the potential for any child placed with you to trigger both traumatic memories and trauma responses.
Basically, it’s not going to be enough to say “we’ve worked really hard and we’re in an ok place and it doesn’t affect us now”, you’re going to need to talk through this stuff.
Part of the reason for that is because our children come to us with their own traumas and SW need to know that you understand it’s going to take more than simply placing them with a nice couple for the child to overcome their experiences. Love simply isn’t enough for these kids and their parents need to understand that in some form or another their child will be impacted by their early experiences for the rest of their lives. By that I don’t at all mean that our children can’t grow and flourish - of course they can - but it leaves it’s mark. Being able to talk about that in yourself will give the SW confidence that you can support children to overcome, they’ll want to know the supports you used to overcome your experiences and that you’re able to access support if/when your child triggers you.
I don’t say this to put you off - many folk on this board have experienced significant trauma in childhood (myself included) and have gone on to adopt. Part of the impact your experiences have may be to motivate you to do better and that’s a good thing. I’m just saying use this time for you and your wife to do some work on yourselves if you haven’t already. Do some reading about the impact of childhood trauma on adults (The Body Keeps the Score is worth reading but is quite complex, The Body Remembers is along similar lines but an easier read). Take yourself into counselling/therapy with someone who can help you explore your past and understand how it impacts you too. I wasn’t sure if the “so called no longer friends” were no longer friends because of their comments about your background and adoption - if that is the case, think about how you build and keep a support network because people love passing comment, the thick skin mentioned upthread is much needed.
I hope I’ve given you something to think about and I’m certainly not trying to put you off - quite the opposite. It’s important to be able to look at the good and bad of our lives and to know how that impacts us now for good and bad. I’m a great mum to my two, but literally nothing triggers me back that early trauma than parenting traumatised children. You need to be prepared for that.