Trying to understand my sons behaviour

[Yabbadabbadoo666]

Please can I have some advice!
My lo is 6- in yr1 at primary. He has been with us for 5 years. He has always been high energy, constantly moving, needs a lit of physical activity. There are days when he can watch tv and relax thankgoodness! Through school it is becoming more apparent he is finding it really hard to concentrate and this is now causing problems with his behaviour. He is impulsive, stubborn and over emotional. I think he is emotionally delayed by a couple of years. I am trying to figure a way forward as it's really starting to cause problems. I am thinking it might be adhd. It could be anything due to the emotional damage she would have had in the womb and obviously being adopted. I dont know. We try hard with consistency,clear boundaries and love. Please please please any words of ways to deal with this.
Thanks x

My little one is also in Year One and exhibits some of the behaviours you describe. Are the school on board? I remember reading an interesting doc that compared symptoms of ADHD, autism and attachment difficulties. I’ll see if I can find it and email it if you pm me your email?

I've pm'd you but forgot to say take a look at the Beacon House resources.

What’s the schools understanding of the impact of early trauma? You’ve basically described my DD to a T at that age. The school have been fantastic at working with her short attention span, putting strategies in place to help settle her, giving her more active tasks towards the end of the day when she literally couldn’t sit any longer.

He is impulsive, stubborn and over emotional.

The first thing I’d do is think about the language you’re using for him - reduced impulse control, heightened emotions and extreme focus are all common in people who have experienced trauma, he’s honestly not being wilful, he just doesn’t have the same capacity for emotional regulation that other kids have.

In school things like setting timers for tasks so my DD could see how long was left, systems like “now, next and then” to help her predict what was happening next, giving her small bits of responsibility (fosters mastery which is important for resilience), finding out how she learns (for her active learning, singing and play) and building her time in class around these activities made a huge difference. It meant tag teaming across P1 classes to cover it all, and she had a block of support at the end of the day which involved group play activities to support her social development while giving her space to move.

The main thing though has been having a head teacher who fully understands the needs of adopted children and who is prepared to be fully flexible in meeting my child’s needs. That’s literally worth it’s weight in gold.

I would honestly ask for some post adoption support. my son was very emotional at 6 (had been with us just over two years and the emotions were not getting any better). So we got Theraplay, which is a special kind of play therapy and really, really helped.

If, in the long run you really do think ASD or ADHD talk to the doctor and see about a referral. My understanding is that they will not necessarily investigate early. Our birth dd is on the spectrum and we asked for an assessment at 6, they said no, she was assessed at 9, autistic traits and then assessed at 13 and told she was on the spectrum. So it took a long time. It may well not be ADHD or ASD but if it is you may find they will not help this early (some do, of course).

Plus jellycatspyjamas gives good advice.

Sounds similar to my DD op. My DD has impaired executive functioning due to developmental trauma which presents similarly to ADHD. She is a year behind at school in a small school with a head who used to be a senco and a really good senco. This has really taken the pressure off her in terms of age related expectations.

Thanks for the messages. I have been trying really hard with schools since easter. Its been up and down. For example they have their own rewards system and would not use any other system to reward him to keep him engaged. They did eventually but it's been so inconsistent- weeks they haven't used it because it's been xmas for example- which as we all know causes issues. I am trying to arrange a meeting with the head- unfortunately they don't seem to be on board with the emotional trauma involved with an adopted child. I'm determined to try and manage this but its finding the right words to relay it to school. He was punished in school last week for being very rude to teachers,- he isn't normally like that' we are always being told how polite he is.its his concentration, listening and stubbornmess that's really difficult to deal with.

Are you in the UK?

If so, have you asked for post adoption support in the past? You know you gave a fund for it seperate to PP money? What does his PP money get spent on?

Pp money spent on trips and a couple of after school clubs. I just didn't know how much was him being a child/ testing boundaries etc but since before christmas the intensity has increased. I've asked for a meeting with a senior manager who has PP irresponsibility. I'm worried I might be going over the top reacting but deep down I know if the teaching and support doesn't change then it will get worse. They never told me til parents evening his levels of concentration are "poor" etc despite me dropping off and picking him up every day and asking how he is getting on. He is a bright boy who has secure attachment to us and I feel pretty shit that he's just getting told off constantly for getting distracted in school:(

Just a thought but have you done any life story work with him? My DD is struggling at the moment because she’s starting to understand what it means that she’s adopted and is piecing together her life experiences. If they’re doing things like families and local history etc he may be making links to his adoption and just not be sure how to ask the questions - that would totally affect his concentration and engagement.

I also wonder if the teaching style is ok for him. IMO schools don’t have the option of “not getting” early trauma - it will utterly undermine their efforts to teach him if they deny his very early experiences impact him. I’d keep on banging that drum, suggest some reading etc for the teaching staff and keep making links.

I had a very direct conversation with my sons teacher at parents evening which has helped quite a bit simply because she knows I’m not beyond challenging her.

If you're in England I'd contact your local virtual head. Also in England and Wales every school should have a named teacher for any child who has ever been in LA care as well as a SENCO.

NATP has lots of resources including letter templates for members who find themselves in these situations.

check if your LA are contributing too this also can offer support www.pac-uk.org

Some really helpful suggestions already.
I'd say ask for a meeting with the school. Put your request in writing. Take someone with you who can take notes on your behalf during the meeting. At the end of the meeting ask them to send you any minutes they have taken, particularly where they agree who is doing what and in what time frame.
If they have such significant concerns regarding his concentration what, if any, referrals have they made to their learning support team? Do they feel it is beneficial to have an educational psychologist assess him? Whilst he may have ADHD, he may equally be a child struggling with his adoption. 6 is an age where many children move on from the idea that they are 'special and chosen' and really start to process the deep losses they have suffered.
I would definitely look to have an adoption experienced counsellor work with him, if you have such a resource.
You certainly want the school to educate themselves on how your child's background and adoption can be impacting him now, agree a therapeutic and individualised way of managing his behaviours at school, agree a communication system with the school so that you are not having to wait until parents meetings to hear about concerns. Ensure the communication you get from the school is balanced - you want to hear his successes, however small, not just his negatives.
Academically, does he keep up with the class? Or is he behind in reading, comprehension, maths, spelling? Could he be behaving in a negative way due to stress or anxiety over work due to an (undiagnosed) learning disability like dyslexia (adopted children are at a higher risk of having such problems). Does the school notice any particular triggers to his behaviour eg before break (when he might be hungry), when he is told a task is about to finish and he panics as he has not finished, or when group/circle time is over and he needs to read and write.

I have a DD who has impaired executive functioning due to developmental trauma. I also queried possible ADHD at a similar age and she displayed lots of similar behaviour to your LO.

I second getting post adoption support. We had DDP which has been very helpful.

I’m sorry that your school sound so unhelpful. Definitely worth seeking a meeting with them but it might also be worth considering changing schools if they really don’t get it. A school that ‘gets it’ can be so so helpful. I would worry about changing schools I know but I know of a couple of other adopters in real life who’ve done it at a similar age and found it to be the best thing they’ve done.

With regards to the pupil premium funding I’d challenge the school quite robustly (but politely!) about this. What they are currently spending it on is not meeting your son’s needs. Braveheart do good training for schools on understanding attachment. An inset day for all staff on this would be a good place for the school to start.

There’s some really good advice here. I’d also suggest seeing the community health peaditirician and OT - it could be sensory integration or autism spectrum. Is their a local NAS group you could get advice from? The MCHAT is a useful tool if you can think back that far in terms of what he could do. Year one is tough for a lot of kids, but there is an underlying diagnosis then it’s likely to start showing up at this stage of the school cycle. Don’t let anyone palm you off with just an assessment for ADHA - it’s a bit of a catch all.

Thanks everyone. I have contacted post adoption support and they will be phoning me back in about 2 weeks (!!) School are setting up a meeting so hopefully that will be next week.
His teacher thinks she is helpful by being specific eg. Sit down. So its a clear specific instruction. But he just doesn't hear it or listen or can't. I feel really very sad they have such high expectations of him. He is a very bright boy it's the behaviour that's becoming more and more of a concern. I have no doubt he would have experienced extreme trauma in the womb and the effects of this are now apparent.

If he 'just doesn't hear' (excluding the obvious of having hearing checked for glue ear at this time of year), maybe also look at auditory processing (so not a hearing problem but not always processing - and therefore taking in and understanding - what has been said), working memory problems (if 'sit down' is being given as part of a multi step instruction like 'sit down, take out your book and turn to page 6) and, again, anxiety/stress/ptsd trauma - fight or flight.
No child goes to school wanting to fail, disrupt, cause problems, get into trouble. All behaviour is communication. The key is, what is he communicating and I would say (as an AP and as a teacher) he is communicating a learning disability and/or post-adoption trauma.
Good luck with the meeting and with getting post-adoption support in place.

This guide by Gloucestershire LA is quite a good intro for schools on adoption and attachment and what they should be doing www.gloucestershire.gov.uk/media/1518471/education-booklet-for-schools-upddated.pdf

P12 and 13 are a good simple visual overview that I’ve given to teachers in the past. I’ve got a recollection there’s an easy to print standalone version of those pages online somewhere but I can’t remember where unfortunately.

Thanks I will have a look at the information that you have suggested.
We haven't started life story work ...its been a gradual drip feed as recommended by sw until age appropriate. The life story is horrific- so that will be something else we will need support with in the future.
Does anyone else feel incredibly sad their Lo has so much to contend with? I've not felt like this since he was placed- when I look at his beautiful face and hold him tight I wish I could just take it all away :(

@BlackNails are auditory processing issues the same as receptive speech delay ? (Sorry Op to detail, just reading with interest, hope you find a resolution for your son)

@teethgrindwind
No, my understanding is they are not the same (but I am not an audiologist or speech-language pathologist, so please don't take it as gospel). I'm a teacher with experience in SEN, an SEN parent and an AP - so interested and fairly educated, but not an expert on either disorder. So my understanding is....
Receptive language disorder is a language disorder rather than a processing disorder. Auditory processing is not processing (interpreting accurately) what you are hearing - so, for example not hearing small differences in words or sounds, especially when there is a noisy environment like a classroom. They'll pass a hearing test because they don't have hearing loss - it's more like the brain is not correctly interpreting what is heard. So it is a problem of interpreting the message being heard.
Receptive language is the language we are receiving or hearing - so what someone says to us. A receptive language disorder is a problem understanding what is said. The message is interpreted correctly - so not a processing problem - but the language is not understood.
But the two things will often present in the same way as in a child who can't (or finds it hard) to follow directions/instructions, understand a story being read to them by the teacher etc. The fact the environment is noisy or quiet won't make any difference to them.
But as I said, I am not an expert. I have one child with 2 different speech disorders and auditory processing issues (and mild hearing loss) so I have some level of understanding because of these issues and her other learning difficulties, but I'm maybe not being entirely accurate.

Thanks everyone I've got some reading to do which is great!
He is no-where near being dry at night- I've read mixed views on the right time- he is only just 6- should I be worried? He only ever drinks milk or water so no issues regarding what's going into his body.

Is he a particularly deep sleeper? This can stop some children being aware of the need to wake and go pee. If so, maybe wake him shortly before you go to bed and/or just before the time he normally wets if you are aware of it being at a regularish time.
Alternatively if he was late to toilet train in general he may just be delayed. It may be worth considering talking to the doctor so they can at least monitor it but, at only just 6, I would be inclined to just give him more time. My middle one was very slow with the whole process.
Also consider his background. Is he an anxious boy who may be scared to get up himself and go pee (lights on so he can find his way?). Or is he sensory seeking and actually enjoying the sensation of the warm pee on his body (not unheard of).Sadly I have a AP friend who could not figure out why her son (8) was not dry at night until she realised he had been abused in the bathroom in his first family. Given your son has been with your from a very young age, hopefully this isn't relevant but there could be reasons related to him being adopted that are playing into this too.

He is a very deep sleeper- I think it might just be wait and see.
He hasn't been physically abused so I dont think its that. As you point out- he was late at getting on board with potty training so things might just need to take a bit longer

A doctor won’t be interested in any kid for not being dry at night til they’re 8. I know it doesn’t feel common, but it really is. My 10yo AC is just starting to be dry at night now.

I was also going to recommend NATP. I’m not a member any more but the letter templates they had were worth their weight in gold when I needed them.

Our PAS team also offered to go into school and either speak with them informally or provide training to them. I think school started to take me seriously then. (Though mostly now it’s lip service they pay, rather than making any actual changes to how they do things...)

And you’re absolutely not making a fuss unnecessarily - your LO needs you to do this! 💐