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Adoption

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Original poster

Spending a night away

19 replies

user1479136681 · 20/01/2020 10:18

Have any of you spent a night away from your LO and if so when?

I ask because I have a gig booked for July. This has been booked for a while with hotel etc but just for me, my wife doesn't like them!

However all being well this will be only about 10 weeks after placement.

Will leaving LO for a night be too disruptive? My wife will be there but I'm worried. He will be 15 months old. I will sell the ticket if needed.

Any advice appreciated, I know it seems small but maybe not to a toddler! Especially as I will be the one at home with him most of the time.

OP posts:

SFCA · 20/01/2020 10:24

Others may have a completely different perspective but I would think it would be fine. He will have mummy there so not as if you are leaving him with a sitter or someone. Early days of adoption can be tough and I think little bits of time away whilst he is with the other parent are a good thing anyway. It will also help him to bond with mum.

Maybe you could do a practice one where you go out locally for an evening and your wife does bedtime routine etc. Then if it is a complete disaster you can come home to help and will know it is too early.

Original poster

user1479136681 · 20/01/2020 10:55

Going out locally is a brilliant idea, thank you! I'll be honest I don't really want to have to sell my ticket. I'm going to drive so can leave fairly late on the Saturday and come back early as possible on Sunday.

Then my wife will need an evening to herself!

OP posts:

defaultusername · 20/01/2020 11:47

Play it by ear, but the point of two of you is that you can tag team,a nd both get breaks. 10 weeks in to placement, you may want to get out, or you may drive there, and then decide you'd rather nap in the car. (speaking from experience!)

veejayteekay · 20/01/2020 11:51

Totally get that each child is very individual and you'll know best. We've not yet done a night away for either of us but we are at same point as you 10ws in and have already had several nights where one of us is out while other does bed time. I've let conflicted at the time but it's gone fine enough times now for me to feel reassured that he copes with it ok. My advice would probably be to follow your instincts about your LO but that as something you'll want to test the water with eventually anyway now seems as good a time as any. All the best x

newyearsresolution2010 · 20/01/2020 12:07

My husband went on a stag do about 2 months after placement, for 2 nights. LO was about 9 month old. I just stuck to the routine. I think I was more scared because it was the first time I'd been alone with him! I was fine.

Just make sure before you go you maybe do a little more to help, and as soon as you're back take over so your wife can have a break.

jellycatspyjamas · 21/01/2020 23:34

My DC we’re older but I had a weekend away at around 12 weeks. One thing that helped was swapping cuddly toys, my little boy gave me one of his favourite cuddle toys and I gave him one of mine (sent photos of it sleeping in my bed etc), the transition object helped massively for him to know I would be coming back again.

Jannt86 · 22/01/2020 08:07

Particularly if wife is still there it should be fine! And it all depends on the child really. My hubby has had to take the odd night away due to his work and we have left her once at about 8 months in for the night with my family and again she was fine. About 6 months in DH had to go away for 4 nights with work too and she didnt like this too much. Fine during the day but little face crumpled when we facetimed him in the evening She was about 15MO at this point though and understood Facetime so I'd recommend doing that as it'll gave my LO chance to express that she was sad and gave me chance to comfort her. There may be people come on here with different views and basically saying you're horrible for leaving them but honestly just do what you have to do and do what your instinct tells you YOUR child will cope with. They are your child now afterall and you're their best advocate. Life is life. You can't always avoid the little disruptions and your LO will still have their other main carer in this case whch will make all the difference. Good luck xx

BlackNails · 22/01/2020 14:16

I think you will be fine. Maybe have a couple of transition evenings when mum does the bedtime stuff if it is currently mostly done by you. Enjoy the time and come back recharged.

Thepinklady77 · 22/01/2020 18:20

I think the little one will be fine! One of the things we started early on with our lo (2&3) was to take it in turns when we were both at home to get up with them in the morning allowing the other to lie on for another couple of hours. It meant they were very used to one of us not being around in the mornings. Sometimes one of us went out before bedtime as well so they got used to bedtime with just one.

Try doing this from early on and the lo will not really think there is anything different going on.

I went away for a weekend (5weeks into placement). I went just before bedtime on the Friday, dropped home again on Saturday afternoon for a couple of hours and then back lunchtime on Sunday. The children coped grand because daddy was there. They just thought I was at meetings. I don’t even think they realised I had not slept there. However, it was long for my husband so we organised grandparents to drop in one both days to play with the kids a bit to allow my DH to have a cuppa. If you can arrange your support network to be there for your wife it will be helpful for you.

Jannt86 · 22/01/2020 18:33

Yes we are fairly strict with alternating nights that we do the bedtime routine. That way she's not badly missing the other if we happen to be out. Necessary for us as DH is away every so often for work and when I start back at work I may struggle to even get home for bedtime routine sometimes. We also alternate mornings at the weekend (Can't during the week as DH leaves too early for work) just to give the other a lie in tbh

FairyBatman · 22/01/2020 21:58

My DH ended up in hospital for 4 nights 7 weeks after placement. It was tough but no lasting damage!

In some ways I think it’s good that they see you go and come back again.

ifchocolatewerecelery · 22/01/2020 23:23

I've never spent a night away from AD3 since she came home nearly 2.5 years ago. Hubby has though and there is always some kind of backlash involved. A lot of it is fear that maybe this time he won't come back. She often refuses to video chat and will push him away when he comes home. This is something you need to be prepared for but the only reason I would say not to go is if your wife is really struggling because of something specific that day. My hubby took time off work, for example, when I got norovirus last year. My respect for single parents knows no bounds after being really ill whilst being bounced on by a 2 year old.

tldr · 22/01/2020 23:30

If my DH had gone to a gig leaving me alone with DC 10 weeks after placement, I’d have really not been happy about it. And thought he was incredibly selfish. Especially if he was the primary carer because at that point that’s who DC’s bond will be with.

Tbh, it probably wouldn’t have made much difference to our DC at that point, but to me, the other parent, it would have made all the difference in the world.

Jannt86 · 23/01/2020 00:21

I think it's a bit rude to call someone selfish for taking ONE night off. We know hardly anything about their situation and it's one night after several weeks of placement not 14 nights in the Bahamas. Personally my DH and I never begrudge each other personal time, infact we actively encourage it because it's what keeps us both sane! I predicted that you might get this response OP but just ignore and do what you need to and what you think is best for your child and your family unit. It's not selfish to recharge your batteries and take a little time out as long as you're ensuring that LO is well cared for. Some adopted children will adapt better to being left than others. There's no one size fits all just because they're adopted and what they need above all else to grow up happy and healthy is to be loved in a normal family environment. Of course you have to be a bit more sensitive to the child's needs but the world still keeps on spinning and they have to learn that too. You know what is best for your child so just go with your gut and go on your damned night out and enjoy every second, especially if your wife gives you her blessing. She and your child will still be there in the morning happy and healthy I'm sure

ifchocolatewerecelery · 23/01/2020 07:30

@tldr throughout approval and matching we are told to not put our lives on hold. So on this basis I would not think it's selfish. OP doesn't mention who he is going to see but we all know that many bands don't tour every year and who knows when this particular one will be doing it again.

tldr · 23/01/2020 08:36

OP asked for opinions. I gave one. I didn’t say I thought OP was selfish. I said if my DH had gone I’d have thought DH selfish.

I have no clue whatsoever what I’d have thought of this before placement, I just remember very well indeed how I felt after placement. I could scarcely get through a DH work day on my own. If he’d have then left me for an unnecessary overnight it would have pushed me over the edge. 🤷‍♀️

Weatherforducks · 23/01/2020 19:02

I think you will be fine. Of course you will not know the circumstances until you are in the thick of it. I’m a home bird, but my husband does like to go to gigs (once a year a festival too), whereas i’d rather stay at home and cuddle the dog and watch Netflix. I often encourage him because once the kids are in bed I like my own space too.

But, I always trade a night away, or a night down the pub with my own time. I love gardening...and I have an acre to garden (so can’t keep an eye on the kids whilst i’m doing it). So if he had a night out I will trade a day on my own in the garden at the weekend, and he will look after the kids.

Self care is important, so if circumstances allow, do it and enjoy it...but ensure your wife has everything she needs before you go (bread, milk, wine - whatever), and some time to herself when you are back, keep your phone on so she can contact you and make sure you are fit to drive back the next morning...enjoy! You will need these little moments of time out.

Original poster

user1479136681 · 24/01/2020 16:33

Thanks for the input everyone! :) I think alternating nights is a good idea anyway. Sometimes wife has to work away so we should be doing that in any case. It was actually her that bought the ticket (for my birthday!) So hopefully she won't be annoyed although I will play it by ear! I've promised her a day/night off whenever she wants in return.

OP posts:

SimonJT · 24/01/2020 17:36

My son had a sleep over with my cousin every four weeks since he came to live with me, it’s something he copes fine with and it carried on until recently (she is moving abroad this month).

He had been with me around seven weeks when I had a burst appendix and spent over a week in hospital due to complications, a friend looked after him.

I’m a lone parent, so he wasn’t being cared for by his other parent.

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