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Adoption

Am I too old?

14 replies

fastliving · 19/01/2020 09:54

I'm thinking of adoption (single) but I am 44.
It's going to take me a couple of years to save up and go through the application process so I would be 46/47.
I would be probably be looking at matching with a 3/4 year old (according to the agencies I've spoken too, this is the most likely age).
I am in good health and look after myself (and like everyone on MN I think I look younger than my age Grin)

Am I going to be too old? Most of my friends had their children mid-late thirties, but I guess I will be hanging around with much younger parents as my ac makes local friends. Am I going to feel like a grandmother, will my ac resent me being an old codger? Will I be able to keep up give a shit about pop stars/vloggers etc that my ac will care about?
I would hate it to be another potential reason the ac might get bullied for or feel embarrassed by me because of my age.
I live in an area where people do generally have their children in their 30s rather than 20s at least.

OP posts:
fastliving · 19/01/2020 09:56

I would love to consider siblings but it is very likely due to finances I would be looking for a single ac.

Thanks for any advice/ words of experience.

OP posts:
mamoosh · 19/01/2020 10:06

I am 49 with a 4 year old. I think most adopters come to this as older parents. I do feel the gap a bit with other parents but we have found our people to hang out with in the end and I don’t think about it any more. Just took a lot longer to make friends. I did feel very isolated at first, make sure you have a good support network and meet other adopters. Both me and my husband are quite active and look youthful! The one issue is energy, luckily my husband is one of those people that doesn’t need much sleep :-). My son is a good sleeper too.

I would say go for it.

Happydaysareheretostaywayhay · 19/01/2020 10:08

No I don’t think you are too old at all. I’m 45 and have a three year old and we fit in with both other adoptive and birth parents and you will only be a couple of years older. Where I live the age of first time parents has increased hugely for lots of different reasons. Go for it!

flapjackfairy · 19/01/2020 11:53

I am 55 and husband 56 with a 5 yr old . So no I don't think you are too old at all .

Ted27 · 19/01/2020 11:55

Not at all, I was 42 when I applied, 46 when my nearly 8 year old landed. 54 with a 15 year old now.
To be honest I've never hung out with or made friends with parents of the children my son is at school with. I just don't fit in - single, working, too busy dealing with SWs, reviews, adoption land stuff.
I have made dozens of new friends, but they are adopters and other families with children with additional needs. I have a very strong group of friends whose ages range from lates 40s to 70 - we all have children with autism.
Its also perfectly normal not to have a clue about the music, pop stars etc your child is interested in, I've been having this conversation with my teen about the drivel he listens to ! I tell him its in my mum job description to think his music is rubbish and its his teen job description not to know who Echo and the Bunnymen are.
On the savings issue, I'm single, and had very little savings. I did however have a great adoption leave package. I focused more on gettimg my outgoings as low as possible, I also changed jobs to get that adoption leave and an organisation that was family friendly, had flexible working etc.

fastliving · 19/01/2020 12:45

Thanks everyone, I got paranoid reading a posters current thread on MN asking if trying for a baby at 45 was too old, and basically all the internet saying Yes!

I know parenting ac is completely different, but I would hate ac to have another reason to feel isolated and 'different'.

I am quite active and fit - but I do get tired - I figure I might have to go to bed when they do!

OP posts:
Mynamenotaccepted · 19/01/2020 15:42

Ted27 sums it up well! DH was 63 and I was 66 when our youngest was 3 when placed with us. Mind you I think the LA were a bit desperate as she had quite considerable health needs.
But like Ted most of my many friends are around my age who have adopted children with SN.
What I would like to say you will not be too old.....a mere babe in arms!
We did get a good adoption package but we were OAP's Grin

user1497873278 · 19/01/2020 16:59

I have adopted a 9 month old at age 48 already had grown up bio kids age is just a number go for it, though I would suggest just one child this comes from experience of being a foster career also

121Sarah121 · 20/01/2020 09:47

My husband and I were both in our 20s when we went through the adoption process and was told that was really rare. My social worker had never done home study with people so young. She said most people come to adoption in their 40s for a variety of reasons. Most adoptive parents I’ve met are similar ages with yourselves. I’ve never met anyone else then same age as me.

newyearsresolution2010 · 20/01/2020 12:10

I was 43 when our 6 month old was placed with us, husband was 34. We're now going through the approval process again for a baby (half-sibling) to our LO, and I will be 45 in June.

Allington · 21/01/2020 11:49

Will I be able to keep up give a shit about pop stars/vloggers etc that my ac will care about?

No, but you wouldn't be able to do that if you were younger, anyway Grin just remember, that to your child, no matter your age, you will be old and embarrassing so you may as well accept that now Wink

And if you do manage to keep up, that will be EVEN MORE embarrassing Grin

Ted27 · 21/01/2020 13:53

The brutal truth is that to kids over 30 and you are past it anyway.
The music and on line stuff does have some serious underlying issues. I am no way down with the kids, but I try to keep up with some things because I need to know what my son is doing - but that would apply whether I was 30 40 or 50

BlackNails · 22/01/2020 19:04

I was 36 when my first came home, and am 49 with my 3rd (just under age 2) coming home recently. I am also a single parent adopter. I am older than many of the parents of my kids' friends, and I do worry about being 60 with a 12 year old, and having the energy to keep up etc.
On the other hand, as my eldest is now almost 13 I know far more about vloggers, what music is popular, what apps they all want (and therefore what apps I need to research and veto), what the current slang is etc. than I would do otherwise.
I do wish I had more energy. And for that reason having the kids probably makes me more aware of what I am eating and making sure I exercise, so I think/hope it makes me healthier.
The kids can be a little embarrassed that I am older of course, and that I have more wrinkles and grey hair. But ... I like hair dye :) And kids are always embarrassed by something about their parents! I remember refusing to walk down the street with my mum at one point and either being 6ft in front or behind of her :)
The pros of being an older parent - I have BTDT with clubbing, nights out and holidays. I like my kids. I am not missing out on life by spending time with my kids. They are my favourite people to go on holiday with and spend time with. They are my focus - completely. As they should be and as they need to be. Maybe if I had been in my 20s I wouldn't have given so much of my time to them.
Definitely more self confidence from being older. More willing to push, fight and argue with the schools when needed. Less willing to assume others know more than me.
Age to an extent is just a number. If you feel you have the health and energy to parent (and kids will exhaust all of us whether we are a young 20-something or a 50-something), then go for it. My kids make me laugh every day. They keep my young even as they age me and add more grey hairs!

fastliving · 24/01/2020 09:08

Thanks for that lovely post blacknails.

I definitely feel I have lived and travelled etc and am ready to devote my time/life to an ac.

I am also brimming with the confidence I could only dream off in my 20s/30s and will be much more capable of fighting for and defending any ac if they require it.

Good point about keeping fit and looking after yourself, I am probably over-thinking it, but I hope it I do adopt I stay alive and heathy enough to see them set up for their future, especially if I don't adopt siblings - I am not in a super close family, but we are good friends, I have a good number of siblings myself and when my parents go I will still have them as people who I've known my whole life - my ac won't have that.

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