Advice needed on search for my adopted sister

[Cakey101]

Hi everyone, I am new here but I am hoping for some sort of advice / guidance....

I am in the process of finding my sister who was adopted at a very young age, we only share the same father.

I am working with an intermediary agency in terms of trying to make contact and so far they have been a great help, I started the search last year in July.

Today I have had an email saying that a social worker will visit my sister and he family to tell her that I have been looking for her etc.

However I am now worried as to why children’s services/ social services are still involved as she is now 19..

Is this normal for them to be involved still considering she was adopted and not fostered ?

I have so much worry that maybe there are problems with her home life, that something isn’t right or that she’s just really unhappy..

If anyone could advise on this I would be ever so great full.

Thank you in advance smile

If she’s been traced through her adoption placement (eg back through social work records), it would be a social worker’s job to talk to her about you looking for her to give her the choice about whether she wants to make contact with you. The social worker would also offer support and possibly advice and may have information about the circumstances of her adoption that your contact may raise questions about.

It doesn’t mean there has been any social work involvement since the adoption took place or that there is current involvement just that social work undertake this role if it arises. Who did you think would make contact with your sister and her family?

Hi jellycat, thorough out I’ve be told by the intermediary agency that they will write a letter to my sister etc.. But I was just a little surprised that they had gone down this route, I have a tendency to over think every thing which doesn’t help.

Thank you for your reply

I’d be surprised if social work allowed a letter like that to arrive out of the blue - I could imagine that being a huge shock to the person who’s been “found”, and your sister is still a teenager. Social work usually have a role with previously looked after children until they are 21 - not usually day to day involvement but to address issues as they arise. The intermediary most likeky will still write, but I’d be very surprised if that was considered an appropriate first contact with someone so young. Try not to worry, I imagine social work are trying to support your sister in deciding whether she wants to make contact with you and whether that would be safe for her and the right thing for her.

Remember, you’ve been looking for her for a long time so you’ve had time to think about what you want and how that might be, she hasn’t and will have a whole load of thoughts, feelings and considerations about it so will need support. Social workers will adoption and fostering experience are well placed to help her through something that could be pretty life changing for her.

I think that intermediary agencies use specialist software Social workers to do this work because of the sensitivities that jellycat has explained.

But it's also not unusual for SWs to be involved at some point in an adoptees life. Adoption is very complex, it can have lifelong implications for the child and their family.
My son is 15, he is very happy and settled, but we have needed therapeutic input and SW help to get that. We may well need other support in the future.
Your sister may well have had SW involvement in her life - but that is because of her early life experiences, not that there is something wrong in her family.

Thank you for your all your advice, this is all very new to me so I’m not really sure of all of the logistics of how social workers/ children’s services work.
I am not unhappy that a social worker is going round personally to tell her that I have been liking for her etc, in fact it sits a lot better with me than sending a letter.
Even though I’ve been doing this since July I am very unprepared still myself, and I am very aware of the disturbance that this may cause but I’ve waited out for as long as I can.
I have been advised by the intermediary agency of the affects of adoption, I just worry about anything and everything. I am very keen to have her parents involved in this I don’t want this to be something that she needs to hide and so on....
I am also prepared to be told that maybe she’s not ready for this at this stage in her life even though It would break my heart I would be respectful of any decision made.

19 is still young, and just starting out as an adult.

They are likely to be either just entering the job market, or in first/second year at university. It is a time of change and stress.

We have advised our own DD to try to have other aspects of her life (employment, housing, health) stable before taking steps to expand contact with her birth family. It's not that we don't want her to have contact if she wishes to, but that we don't want her to send other aspects of her life into a spiral if contact is emotionally difficult.

I get 100% what you are saying however you don’t know what the future holds, life is too short for hanging around waiting for what you expect or wish to come.
I’ve waited nearly 10 years for to do this and you know what I’ve come to realise that there’s never a good time or will be a good time in anyone’s lives for as such. Everyone is different and will have different views but that’s what makes us all unique in our own ways.

I am not expecting some sort of fairly tale from this, our father is no longer alive he died many years ago. The contact I am try to establish is purely for myself and my sister and no one else and like I have said it she’s not ready she’s not ready but maybe one day she might or maybe she never will be as I am not sure of the actual reason or reasons as to why she was adopted.

Thanks again guys

I agree you don't know what the future holds.

I just wanted to say that if she says 'no' or 'not now' it won't be a rejection of you, but more likely a reflection of where she is in life right now. It won't necessarily mean never.

Have you been offered or attended any counselling on what may or may not happen? There are lots of issues around reunions and many fail because those involved have different expectations and emotional responses to them.

I have an appointment in a few weeks time which I believe will be some sort of counselling....