Feeling totally overwhelmed - imminent introductions

[Serenity45]

Hi everyone, we're due to start intros in the next few weeks with siblings aged 1 and 3. Had an incredibly bumpy adoption journey (our own SW described it as 'horrific').

Approved in summer 2018 then had a possible match fall through after 6 months of back and forth due to there being no placement order and birth mother being given another chance to try. We knew this was a possibility but still tough.

We were then matched with another sibling group December 2018, there was a placement order so we felt much more secure. After 7 months of frankly appalling behaviour from both foster carer and children's social worker we were told on the day of matching panel that we couldn't go in as they had decided we were not a good match. We had a formal complaint upheld on all of the 15 points we raised.

So...after taking some time and doing some crying and soul searching ( successful complaint helped us to lay this to rest too), we decided to try Linkmaker for the first time (I guess trying to take back some control). We've been matched at panel with our beautiful boys and it's been a great experience so far with an amazing FC and SW / family finder SW.

But... while at times me and DH feel SO READY for this, at others we are looking at each other saying "what the hell are we doing? ". Logically, we have been in the process for 2.5 years so we must really want kids.

The thing is, we have never been desperate for a family. I really don't mean that to sound odd, or like I'm judging others who do feel that desperate urge. I'm not using the word very well, probably. What I mean is, we know that we would have a very full and happy life without kids. But we would really like a family and we feel that we have a lot to offer. I'm now crippling myself with doubt that this isn't enough, that we should in fact be feeling this 'urge'.

Everyone is telling us how excited we must be and the reality is, we're not. The house is ready, their room is ready, we are absolutely committed to these little people. We've met them for playdates and it's gone so well. But we are scared and not feeling the excitement that friends and family are.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for as this is my first ever thread though I've lurked for a few months. I know how we feel is how we feel and strangers on tinternet won't change that but it would be really helpful to hear that it isn't just us!

Thanks for reading that turned out to be really long even after I deleted loads

Do you think maybe you’re holding back to protect yourself?

After your past bad experiences I mean. I think that would be very normal.

The urge can sometimes be a bad thing. It can lead you to be more selfish about the whole thing and to have unrealistic expectations about what being a parent is actually like and to have anxiety when things don't work out as perfectly as you hoped. If you think these are the right match for you and that you can give them the love, stability and home that they deserve then go for it! Everything else will follow. You're bound to be wobbly to say the least after your experience but you can either let it make you or break you. The fact that you're still here even talking about giving 2 boys a family would suggest to me that you ha e one of the most important qualities in a parent.... resilience. Go for it! And good luck xxx

There's no right way to feel at this point, scared, overwhelmed, numb, all perfectly normal.
I'd be more worried about your family and friends being over excited. You have been through the process, you know that when these children move in its going to be tough - they don't really appreciate that.

If you've met them and you haven't run off screaming - that's a good sign, as is that commitment. I remember several people asking me whether I loved my son before he moved in. They were a bit shocked when I said no - how can I love someone I've never met, but I can see he is a cracking kid, I'm committed and love will grow - and it has.
Try not to take on what other people think you should be feeling - this is your life and experience, not theirs.
Congratulations and good luck with your new family

Thank you all! Strugglingmum you may well be right and we've definitely considered this.

Jannt we'd not thought about it that way at all that's a great point. We are very realistic about how tough it will be (in a prepare for the worst hope for the best kind of way). Definitely no expectations here!

Ted you're also very astute (as always ). We've told close friends and family that we will be parenting very differently to them. Also got the grandparents books on attachment for both sides of family. Talked a lot about needing to be main caregivers, time at home as just us initially etc.

My side are fine with this but already imagining needing to set very firm boundaries with in laws. Despite professing to 'get it' we have already had to stop them buying child's beds for their house and car seats for their car...

Anyway it's been so helpful just to write it down thanks everyone.

I think what you feel is totally normal. And there’s no point in comparing your feelings to those of family and friends. First, because you’re the one who’ll have to do the heavy lifting of parenting while they get to cheer (in the nicest possibly way) from the sidelines.

But second, and more importantly, because people have an insanely romanticised idea of adoption - your example of the talking about loving the DC right now is a classic case of this. Some people think it’s all flowers and hearts and new babies and have nooooo idea of the complexities and difficulties. You do, so your feelings can’t be the same as theirs.

people have an insanely romanticised idea of adoption

This with bells on...

If you have time, before intros, watch the film Instant Family - DDs and I loved it, from the relatively safe distance of seven years in. It's a bit Hollywood, but gets the whole 'pretending to be family when you're all strangers' quite well

The reality is not going to be a fairy tale, as you already know - so whatever feelings come with that are absolutely fine.

Feel free to use us as a shoulder to cry on when you need to, and also as your cheerleaders for the good bits!

You sound quite similar to how I felt at this stage. I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult journey. I can relate in part as we had a very sad situation where very late in the day into a match we discovered a lot of information we weren't made aware of and the match fell through. We were heartbroken and list a lot of our trust along the way. It may be that this is a slight self protection thing and if it is that's ok. It's also an odd phenomenon o found that when you're aboutto become a parent ppl are all about telling you "oh you MUST be so..." This and that. Very much as you describe after all the endless waiting and years of the journey I felt somewhat flat and numb to it all. There is something anti climactic about the feeling once matching panel result has sunken in and a realisation of the reality of what's about to hit you. I promise you excitement will come but it may be disguised in more subtler moments as and when you have intros and your first weeks and months home. I found it was often in the little things I found great joy rather than the "obvious" moments I'd been expecting. More than anything try not to put too much pressure on yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel. It's all legitimate. I ended up keeping a short journal at intros (only a few lines per day as I was exhausted) but it can help to reflect back how you're feeling and how far you will have come emotionally in a few weeks. All the very best for your next chapter xxx

Thank you all so much! Just had a tiny cry because of all the kindness and I'm not generally a crier. You've made a lot of sense and I feel a bit easier already.

The thing about people telling us we MUST be excited is actually very telling. Words like 'must' and 'should' are actually quite disempowering. We feel how we feel. SW did say on our first home visit that we'd need thick skins and she's spot on.

MIL asked for pics of the boys before Christmas so she could put together an album to give as a gift...errrr...no! I think her and FIL aren't helping tbh but DH and I are on the same page and we push back every time. Will also very carefully manage their relationship with DCs.

Then he again you lovely lot

I meant thanks again, bloody fat fingers!

Firstly, Congratulations.
What a journey you’ve had and how amazing that you have stuck with it.
I had a long wait (3 years) and a link fall through last minute and actually walked away from the process but had a call the following week about my child.
I remained guarded throughout the whole matching process , protecting myself as I knew I wouldn’t cope If I invested to much and it fell through again. I cried all the way to intros meeting as I was terrified after all the wait and upset that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
Fast forward 18 months and I can say the whole process was so so worth it. From that first moment I saw little one my fears disappeared and my heart was full.

Don’t read to much into your feelings at the moment as it’s your fears talking. Good luck and I look forward to reading your updates on your little family x

Thank you Loopylas what a lovely post! Will absolutely update x

Congratulations and try and keep all those emotions in a way you can handle them, do things that you like and relax. People say all kinds of thing ' you must be so happy/excited/proud etc BUT you have every right to your own thoughts/ fears/concerns as well.

I think it is key to remember we may have all been scared at times and also we may not have all been happy/excited etc but our friends probably dropped clangers too.

You've had a really tough time of it, you deserve to just take it easy and not worry about other people's feelings. Focus on yourselves while you can. It will be what it will be and you don't need to report your feelings always to people. Watch the Penguins of Madagascar and just 'Smile and wave!' XXXXXX

Right up until we met them the bedrooms here were called girls room and boys room - we couldn’t quite let ourselves believe it was going to be this particular girl and boy. (And we had a fairly easy ride through the process.)

I’ve also wondered before now if part of the scariness of adopting is that right up until it happens you can stop it so you wonder if you should stop it. By the time you’re at a similar stage with a pregnancy you don’t really have the same choice, though I bet many women would admit to having some ‘what have I done’ moments.

@Serenity45 Hi Serenity, I'm slightly behind you in the process (about to have matching panel). I've met my daughter-to-be (20 m) and she's amazing. Bright and funny and clever and ahead in meeting milestones. I am astonished that she will be my child.

However. I have a lovely life and while my adoption journey has been fairly smooth sailing so far (15 months in) every day I wonder what on earth I'm doing. When I think about her I get a huge pang of longing. I want to be her mother. But also I'm petrified by the reality. Of being responsible, of the lack of sleep, of not knowing what I'm doing, of what happens when she gets ill and I feel out of my depth.... and that's just the standard parenting stuff! Then I think about attachment issues, emotional development issues, things that will manifest from her chaotic start in life and I worry if I can handle it. I have friends with birth children who are struggling with difficulties and I ask myself if I'd want to put myself in their position. I have a choice. Why am I doing this? I too don't have that urge to be a parent, at least, not a physical longing that I think many women have. But I want a family. I think!!

I worry that I'm an achiever and 'achieving' the adoption process and a child was more of a goal than what comes next (being a parent!). I wanted to see if I could do it and I have. Do I want to be a parent? Some days I worry. But then I think about my daughter to be and I am so committed to her and want to offer her the world. I want her in my life.

I think about it this way: would I put up with bad behaviour towards me or upsetting my life for an adult stranger? No. Would I do it for a child stranger? It would depend. Would I do it for my child who I love? Undoubtedly. She may not be my child yet, but I will love her, so this is why. This is why it will be okay. (and of course, there will be lovely times as well as bad times as with any relationship, I'm not suggesting for one moment that adoption = a life of badness and that it's that black and white! But The Fear of adoption can make it seem that way.)

So you're not alone. Your adoption journey sounds horrific and I have so much respect for you for continuing to move forward at every hurdle. I don't know if I'd have been able to do that.

As a parent you'd do whatever it took for your child. Future you - who loves your children - needs you to trust.

I hope this helps. It's helped me! Good luck xx

Hi

reading your post is how I feel. Me and my partner got a yes from linking panel last Wednesday we are adopting a soon to be 3 year old. And by end of January he will be coming to us. We have done three bump into meetings and another tomorrow

It is now starting to dawn on me that this happening. And if I am honest I am getting more nervous and scared. I know I should be excited my partner is but I just can't help feel daunted by it all

What I mean is, we know that we would have a very full and happy life without kids. But we would really like a family and we feel that we have a lot to offer.

I think that’s a good place to be in adoption tbh, and certainly where I got to after years of ttc and then a very very lengthy approval process. At this stage, commitment and perseverance will stand you in good stead. The reality is it’s not hearts and flowers, you don’t have the pregnancy hormones to help with bonding, you have very scared little people coming to you and you’re parenting from a standing start.

It’s lovely, and scary and daunting. I remember people telling me to enjoy my children, that it’s such a magical time etc etc and in some ways it was - I couldn’t believing finally was a mum but there’s all the other considerations too. Luckily I had a couple of friends who got it that I could offload to. You feel what you feel, often a hundred different emotions at once. And it’s all ok.

Very best of luck for intros, we’re in your corner.

Thank you all for sharing - tldr I definitely think you've got something with the 'we could stop it' comment. We have absolutely had this conversation (then felt guilty for having it). It's almost like we're testing our own commitment.

JCT - there is so much support on these threads, you don't even need to start your own to get some great words of wisdom and experience. Hoping things go well for your own intros.

Nowaypep - DH and I are achievers too I think! We don't mind a challenge and work really well as a team which will be useful as parents. But yes, we feel like we've been in the process so long that we lost sight of what the outcome would be!

Jelly you always give really calm and rational thoughts - thank you.

Randomly I feel better today after going through FCs 'shopping list' for nappies, wipes, toiletries etc, shopping around online and bulk buying so we've got a good few weeks' worth of everything.

DH has a much more senior job than me so he's trying to get handover stuff done so we can have a moth together before at work. Got my leaving drinks from work later and family over tomorrow so we can have a week or so to just be together, walk round the deathtrap house and make sure we haven't missed anything major.

Thanks again for the support I'll update when I can

Serenity I just wanted to say that I imagined meeting my son for the first time would be v. emotional and that I would get into my car and cry afterwards. What actually happened is that I got into the car and thought, I must buy some whole milk for him. That was over five years ago and I couldn't love DS more.

Best of luck to you