Starting with childminders; worried sick now

[Jannt86]

So I have to return to work PT in a few weeks and am slowly easing my 21MO into going to a childminder's after being on adoption leave for a year. We went there for a couple of hours together and then before Christmas I left her there for a morning. The first time she seemed to cope well. Cried a bit as I left but I was being messaged pictures of her enjoying story time before I'd even got to the end of the road. However this time was totally different. She howled the minute she realised where she was. I left promptly but gave her a big kiss, told her I loved her and would be back later. However she apparently cried for about half an hour after which she played quite alone and the staff said she's very independent and good at self soothing I know I pretty much HAVE to return to work but it just makes me so sad that she's found today so hard. I've tried to make up for it with lots of kisses and cuddles and an extra cuddly nap time where I sung her to sleep in bed and offered cuddles to sleep. I also asked her if she enjoyed it at the childminder's and she said yes. I've talked to her about how she was ery sad when mummy left but doesn't need to be as mummy will always come back. I just can't think of much more I can do with her to make this less painful and it has to be done. If she was a bit older I'd maybe give her a little bracelet or draw on her hand or something but I think this would juat wash right over her at this age. Is this unusual for a kid to be unconsolable for so long after being left? If anyone else's kid was like this did it get better and what helped. I'm trying hard to ease her into it but I guess it was always going to be quite difficult when she's barely left my side for a whole year thanks x

Can you leave her for shorter times at the moment, so an hour or two rather than the whole day - so she gets used to you leaving and coming back? My DC are older but something that has helped us is a toy worry keeper - they come in a big and small size so you can tuck the little one in your bag and she keeps the big one as a cuddle toy. You write worries on paper and the worry keeper “eats” them - my DS found that really helpful when he had problems at school.

That will be great as she's older but she's not even 2 yet. Although she's quite bright I don't think she understand the concept. I have only left her for 3 hours both times I left her. X

I'm a childminder and this is pretty standard. It's not that she is unhappy at the childminders, it's just that now she knows that when she goes there mummy leaves. It will pass. Takes some kids longer than others. I get a lot of kids who just cry when mum or dad is leaving, as soon as the front door closes they stop and run off to play 😂.

We encourage our LOs to pick a cuddly toy for us to sleep with in our bed, where we fill it up with our love. Give it back in the morning full to the brim with our love, and our smell, and then they take it with them to wherever they are going without us. It's definitely helped.

Like @jellycatspyjamas we also use worry monsters and they're great. If they can't write a note they can draw a picture or even just a scribble. They understood fairly early that these scribbles were their worries and the monster ate them up for them.
Hope it goes well.

We're having the same problem with our little one at nursery who is nearly 3 but developmentally delayed so closer in age emotionally to your daughter. He struggles really bad with the transition but once we are gone he really enjoys it and always seems very happy at pick up time. I do worry the fear of us not coming back is something he will always struggle with. We are just trying to constantly reassure him that people leave but they always come back. I can empathise so much, it's so hard seeing them upset.

When I stated leaving my two I would talk about what I was doing while I was away, I’d tell them I’d be thinking about them, would tell them I’d missed them, be explicit about how glad I am to see them when I come back, anything that helps them keep you in mind and you keep them in mind while you’re apart. Part of the difficulty with attachment is that kids literally think you disappear if they can’t see you so anything that keeps those bonds while you’re gone is a good thing.

Bless her, I’d do it really gradually if you can. How long has she been with you? I’m guessing about a year from your post?

She's been with us a year and spent literally one night and maybe 3/4 times with people she knows for a couple of hours. We are being as gradual as we can. My plan was mornings at childminders for the next couple of weeks then up to full days then 2 full days the week before I start back then it'll be 3 days a week when I start back. She's generally an absolute delight and I think quite well attached to us but if anything I'd say she's a tad on the avoident side until things hit a pressure point then she becomes emotional like this morning. This is probably something I need to explain to the childminder's and remind them to offer her time and affection as she will often seem like she's fine doing her own thing but like any kid her age she craves one on one interaction too and just coz she's not pestering for it doesn't mean she's happy without it if you see what I mean. I just hope she's going to be ok She's such a delight and this will get her far in life. I don't want her to become anxious or overemotional and lose that. The fact is though I don't have much choice in going back to work and as much as I'm saying the above she is starting to enjoy interacting with other children so I think the nursery setting will do her good and once she gets used to the fact that I won't always be there but I will always come back I think she'll thrive. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens and deal with things as they come

I think quite well attached to us but if anything I'd say she's a tad on the avoident side until things hit a pressure point then she becomes emotional like this morning

Attachment is wholly about how the child responds under stress - the “strange situation” tests are how researchers identified attachment styles so what you’re seeing when her buttons are pressed is her attachment style. Bonding (as in day to day relationships) and attachment are very different things. That’s not to say her attachment style isn’t developing but it will take years before that becomes secure, if indeed it ever does. That’s why looking at ways to build security into the relationship, looking at transitional objects, keeping her in mind (and her knowing that) are all important because they remind her that you don’t disappear when you’re out of sight.

Helping the childminder to talk to your wee one about when mummy is coming back, maybe even at a young age letting her see a timer or gro clock or something so she can begin to predict when you’ll be back will all help. Most kids struggle to settle into childcare, our kids just have a need for more explicit support because they’ve had people leave and not come back.

Leave something that smells of you for her to have while she's not that and give her a big hug and something to eat and drink when you pick her up. Food and drink are both great at helping a child to regulate after having to cope without you. Also it reinforces that you will meet her needs and have been thinking about her while you weren't with her

I think this is absolutely normally and just shows she is well attached to you. My 2-year old will still screams and cries a lot whenever I drop him in nursery the first few days after a holiday for example. It basically sounds like someone is hurting him badly. However, after a few days of getting into the routine again he goes to nursery quite happily. I think the more your child becomes used to her new routine, the easier it will become.

Thanks all. I'm reassured that whilst it clearly distressed her she did alow me to comfort her and was quickly reassured when I returned. We're just going to have to ride with it and hope that she settles. Her childminders seem lovely and I purposefully chose them as they seemed like they'd be sensitive to her needs so hopefully they will gain her trust soon enough

Feel free to discount my experience as my DC aren't adopted but DC1 started nursery at a similar age and was a nightmare to settle. Nursery suggested we send in some photos of us, our house etc and apparently DD would sit in a corner and sit with these in a circle around her and do the same if she got upset during the day. They also put a couple on the wall by her cot at nap time so she could look at them when she was falling asleep. This lasted a month or so and then she was generally fine. Over this period, the nursery staff first used it as an opportunity to chat to her about the pictures and get to know her and gradually reduced how long she had the pictures out for it how many she had out.

My son started nursery at 20 months after being with me for a year, so similar age and timings. The first month was horrible, he looked worried as soon as we got in the buggy to go, he didn't howl when I left, just cried and then was quiet and cried a lot throughout, which was totally different to his full of beans personality at home. I was getting to the point of thinking I'd done the wrong thing and that nursery was wrong for him, when he just suddenly clicked and started running in happily. It was after about a month. Now, a year later he's doing 3 full days, and totally fine and happy. He occasionally says he doesn't want to go in the mornings but goes in fine, loves it and is doing really well. He's in the same nursery class as my niece (birth child) and it's her that cries every day!

In the first few weeks when he was unsettled the nursery suggested I make a photo book of me, our home, family, favourite things, but they then reported that he got more upset when they got that out. He has a security blanket and still takes that in, that definitely helps.

Every child is different, I hope your daughter settles soon as I totally sympathise, it's a horrible horrible feeling.

This is an article which you might find really helpful - it answers a query which is slightly different from yours (the mother has a choice whereas you have to return to work) but the psychologist is really thorough and comprehensive and so much will be relevant to you too - the article includes advice about how to manage things best for the child and talks about attachment and I think you will find it reassuring. She highlights that the ideal cannot always match the reality. It is by Laura Markham who is a child psych, and who writesahaparenting.com. As an adoptee plus parent I think that this is the very best for parenting, it is clear, "therapeutic" and comprehensive. I hope that you find it helpful.

www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/best-age-for-kids-to-start-daycare

In relation to management of childcare, she highlights that the relationship with the childminder or nursery stall and your dc's attachment to them is very important - she explains this better than I can.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. My only tip is to keep checking that that your dc's needs are being met as well as you would like, that the relationship with the cm and between everyone is good, how hitting and biting is dealt with and how much attention your dc gets and so on, and rely on your own intuition and judgement, and move your dc if you are not happy.

We found childminder didn't work for us (LOs thought it was intros), but a nursery worked really well, as it was clearly a place children go when their parents work, and then a parent collects them.

I'd chosen a childminder because everyone I spoke to thought it would be better, more understanding, more flexible. Actually, we needed rigidity, routine, and the structure of nursery.

Don't discount nurseries!

So I've just dropped her off again for the afternoon and you know what? She didn't bat an eyelid Now I'm more worried she couldn't care less about me. Poor kid can't win can she I have been repeatedly telling her this morning that we're going to her childminder's later but that I promised I'd come and get her after a few hours of fun.... could it really be this that helped so much? She's pretty switched on for a 21MO but even so I thought I was saying it all in vein tbh lol. I guess as long as she's happy I should be happy though either way!