Birth Mum pregnant again

[newyearsresolution2010]

We adopted our amazing LO at 6 months old (he's now almost 2 1/2).

Had a call last night from our old SW saying BM is pregnant again, baby due in 4 months.

We are happy and settled, have been making plans for holidays with our LO, and now I just don't know what to do.

I always said if BM had another then I would want to take him/her as baby would be a half-sibling for our LO, but would it be too much, would our LO miss out on the 121 attention he's had, would I be able to cope?
But what if we say no, how would I feel then? We can offer a great home to the baby, it will be blood related to our son, and could I live with myself knowing we said no....

My OH is leaning more towards saying no, and I am 50/50 at the moment as we don't have any info other than she's pregnant.

She also needs to be assessed and a decision made if baby will be adopted, but as this will be her 7th....all previous children being adopted....it's looking likely.

So I just wanted to ask for advice on what to consider, and how to try and decide.

Hi @newyearsresolution2010
We had a very similar thing happen to us.after much should searching we decided yes to find out she was being able to keep the baby.
Reading your post I'd think if she's already had 7 will she continue to have babies being removed. What would you do aboht the next one?
Also you need to be thinking if it'll have any additional needs eg fasd and if your lo has or has the potential to have them. How would this affect your family.
For me I'd think it's fine to keep it in mind but not to make any decisions yet. Also don't change any of your plans as you'd hate to get to the summer and have cancelled your holiday and not have a new little one with you either.

Our LO is fine, no issues. BM apparently smoked but didn’t drink with him. She doesn’t drink we we’re told before.
That’s my concern, what issues the new baby might have, and also how it might upset our current dynamic.

We have said we will get approved again, they said they can fast track it (4 months) which would coincide with baby being born, and then will wait and see.
Baby might stay with BM or they may even decide another family is better suited (although I’ve been told as we have a sibling we would be the first option).

Her having another is a concern too. I did think after our LO she may have stopped (because of her age too) but clearly not! But as you say, if she has another, then another, we couldn’t take them all!

I’d been looking at Sept holidays but not booked anything yet! So will wait now. We have a weekend away booked for April but that’s fine. And we were invited to a wedding abroad around the time baby would arrive so may put that on hold....

Did you only ever plan on having one child? If yes, why might you consider changing your mind now. If you wanted more, this could be a wonderful opportunity to grow your family. Adding another child will always change the family but that isn't a negative thing. Of course your son will no longer have all of your attention, but he will also have a sibling to grow up with which is incredibly enriching for him. We all worry that adding more will be the wrong thing to do - I had exactly the same fears before the second adoption, because I thought I could never be so lucky again, since DD1 was the most amazing child. Of course DD2 and 3 also happen to be the world's most amazing children, so my fears were for nothing :) There will always be other holidays too :)

Because of BM’s age we didn’t think she’d have another, and would only have considered a half sibling if we adopted again, so thinking of having another probably wasn’t something we did consider.

We have gone back to the SW to get a fast track approval done, then if baby is adopted (still no guarantees) then we will be considered alongside others who are approved. Plus by then they will know more about what BM has been up to the last 2 years and have more info so we can make a better decision.

Possibly exciting times ahead :) Good luck with your decision making.

Yes introducing a sibling is risky, but the opportunity to grow up with a (also adopted and related) sibling can also give a child a great sense of security.
There is also the potential for a life-long support and friendship long after your adoptive parents are gone, and nephews & nieces too.
In your situation I would probably go for it.

If the BM has had lots of DC adopted, have the SWs also approached the families of the other DC?

NearlySchoolTimeAgain - I know with our son they were, but their circumstances meant they couldn’t/wouldn’t take him.
They could do the same again, but I think our situation would be more favourable than the others, plus age age wise the siblings would be closer.

I have a single birth child (from choice) so I certainly don't think siblings are "necessary" for a child to have a happy life!

In your case, though, it would mean your child having someone in his family he was connected to by blood which could be very important to him in later life. You don't mention that he has any special needs (of course that could change) so there seems no reason to believe that he will be badly impacted by your attention being divided.

So it would seem worth the risk assuming you yourself want to do this - there seems a good chance that he will benefit more than he loses.

I lurk on here because adoption will always be an option for us (infertile but have DD via difficult IVF pregnancy).

I'm not sure whether this is helpful or not, but so much of what you say sounds exactly like what I and many people I see over on the Parenting and Chat threads have debated before ttc a second birth child. I guess what I am trying to say is, all things being equal, don't second guess yourselves too much over whether or not to go for it - many parents cope with more than one kid, their first children cope fine with far less 1-2-1 attention and most siblings are very close and share a deep bond (I am a happy only child so no agenda!). Obviously most people don't have to consider fasd and deal with the adoption process but you are by far the best person to determine how likely your children are to have long term problems that would be improved by not having had to share you with a sibling.

Also, I think the fear of disrupting a happy status quo is common. I feel the same way. We are a happy little family of three - what if we have another and it's all ruined!? In my experience there is NEVER an ideal time to have another baby however they arrive in your life.