Playground Parliament - assumptions and stereotypes

[runforcover]

Hey there, I'm a mum to two gorgeous kids both adopted. My little boy 7 suffers massively with attachment and trauma issues which displays as negative behaviour - shouting, kicking, he is so anxious when he is in this mode it's heartbreaking as a parent. My big sadness is the playground parliament- all those parents who if were reading my children's life in a magazine would be so ever sympathetic but give it to them in life they are mean, cruel and bullies. They don't allow their child to be Friends with my little one and assume shit everyday! It makes me cross sad so many emotions! I know I'm not alone 😔 xxx

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this schoolgate judgement.

Do they (the other parents) know he is adopted? Are you ostracised too? Are there any parents you could get 'on side' (maybe parents of SEN children who often are isolated too).

re being friends, I guess they feel they are protecting their own child. As in, if he is prone to violence that the other children can't see coming, they may well say 'stay away from Tim then if he kicks you'.

Is the school supportive of you and him? Do they actively help support him and try to lower his anxiety?

My DD had no real, solid friends in primary either. Not because of behaviour but because she was emotionally, physically, and speech behind the others so she had no 'peer group'.

Sorry, I'm not being much help, but .

Hi thanks for your support, ah I've tried everything, he's not violent in the sense he lashed out at children he just looses it. He has a one to one worker which is great but also can isolate him from his peer group. The school have been great although with hidden disabilities it's always hard to know what to do so they've let him down at times with interventions they've placed him in. There is so much research out there but so little individuals and schools willing to put the time and effort in. I know they'll say it's down to funding but they also get an extra 12k for my son. It's just hard work at times and they are only kids at the end of the day. Xx

Is his 1-1 full time, and with him at playtimes?

Can they encourage playing with him by say once a week letting him have access to some treat type toy (no idea what) and a couple of other kids get to play with him?

I know there are other things that help like where he is positioned in the classroom (e.g. against a wall, being able to see everyone) that can help, but I expect you have looked in to that sort of thing already.

re the parents as that is what you talked about. The only thing I can suggest is try to get 1 or 2 onside, though that is easier said than done.

I more or less gave up with the parents at primary, I just didn't have anything in common with them.

Is he in any groups outside of school? It may help him make some friends and find something he does really well at and enjoys. Scouting, swimming, youth groups, football etc. Be upfront with the group and they will help.

The idea of a small group for some games maybe board games/ Lego project or something might work. Staff could pick specific children who would be tolerant etc?
Also yes to the idea of finding some more sympathetic parents at the gate and not sharing more than you want to but perhaps highlighting it is not 'bad behaviour' more general difficulties he has.
Sorry if these dont sound any use. Good luck.

I get you op and went through similar with my child. I didn’t crack it completely but managed to get one mother to do play dates

I think I need to try and not assume all mums are going to be the same, I've had some horrid stuff said to meand it's not always been my lad!! I think this year I'll invite play dates!! It's just so hard this parenting malarkey isn't it at the best of times lol!!

Yes it’s like being back at the school ourselves!!!

My ds (age7) is good pals with a lad who is adopted. He started in y1 with the 'naughty kid' reputation and I got chatting to his mum when she came over to apologise for something her ds had done to mine. I have an older boy who was the naughty kid in his class so I know how that feels and I told her that, then we had a bit of a chat about the stresses of being that parent.

She asked if ds would want to come to her house to play, and explained that probably an hour would be enough for her boy at first. Then he came to ours on his own for just half an hour and it built up from there.

Then other parents started including him more and more too and he is now definitely a part of ds's little gang of friends.

From my point of view I appreciated her approaching me when her ds was in the wrong. Many parents wouldn't have done that. But she never shies away from it.

She has explained a bit about the issues that come with adoption and how they affect her boy, but she never uses it as an excuse for bad behaviour. She doesn't go into masses of detail, she's very good at politely fending off questions she doesn't want to answer, but she is fine to let people know roughly what her son is dealing with which I think helps.

She will come along to anything she thinks he might find stressful and is quick to get in there and help him out if he's struggling. I know he didn't get invited to birthday parties for ages because parents were all worried that he would spoil it, but they both came to one of ours and as soon as he got a bit stressed she took him right away for some calm time and he didn't spoil a thing.

She allowed their teacher to lead a bit of a discussion about adoption and how it can make your brain wire up differently and make you behave a bit differently sometimes. But made it clear that they did not have to allow him to hurt them or be mean to them and they could come and find an adult if it got too much. As a result of that chat his little gang of friends are quite protective of him I think, and they do tolerate quite a lot of difficult behaviour from him. Ds comes home now and again and says "X's brain was going crazy today", it's like they can separate the brain wiring or whatever from the actual personality underneath it all which is really nice. It helps I think that their head teacher is an adoptive parent so is keen to raise awareness and can lead discussions in a really knowledgeable way.

I started reading your board so I could get a better understanding of what this mum might be dealing with without having to ask her lots of questions. It has been such an eye-opener, I honestly had no idea. And I'm betting 9/10 parents in the playground have no idea either.

It's rotten that you guys have to do harder than average parenting combined with having to guess who might be kind and non-gossipy and see past the surface behaviour. And decide how much of your personal family stuff you want to put out there. The more people know the better informed they are, but that's your own information and you might not want to share.

I hope you find the right parents to make that first connection with runforcover.

And thanks for letting me lurk on your board now and again, it has really helped me understand a bit better.