Dh not sure

[noimaginationforthis]

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place so please forgive me if not.

My dh and I have one biological child and I would love to adopt in the future (probably in the next couple of years but obviously I would take advice on when would be best for my current child and the adopted child). My dh however is not sure. He has said in the past he will think about it but now when I approach the topic he seems reluctant to discuss. He knows my reasons for wanting to adopt and says he understands them, and can give no reason himself for why he is not sure. To be clear he isn't saying no, but nor is he saying yes. I think he envisions adoption being much further down the line if at all. I was just wondering if anyone has been in this position where one partner is at first more reluctant than the other? I completely understand that we would both have to be more than on board to adopt and so if dh is not one million percent sure we will not be able to go ahead.

Sorry if I have said anything offensive or upsetting in this post, this is all completely alien to me as while I have always known I would like to adopt I have not had any first hand experience so to speak.

Both my children are adopted; I have no biological
children. First you need to decide together whether you want another child. If the answer is yes and you’re still keen on adoption you both should go to a local authority open evening to hear social workers talk about the process, type of children that are available. You can then both make a more informed decision. Any adopted child must be at least 2 years younger (sometimes more) than your existing child.

Please remember that the process is VERY intrusive and difficult. They will want to ensure you and your husband are both wanting to adopt and for the right reasons before agreeing you’re suitable. There will be interview after interview. You will also need to accept that most kids in care have issues and have been neglected in some way. Are you comfortable with that? How will that affect your existing child?

My husband was less keen than me at first but became more positive once he understood what would happen/his initial questions had been answered.

Adoption really isn’t for everyone and I’m always very impressed by people who admit it isn’t for them

We came to adoption after IVF.
DH was more reluctant than I was - he had a harder time getting his head round the fact it wasn't birth child v adoption, for us it was no children v adoption.
We took time to start and then approached it one step at a time, knowing we could in theory stop at any time up until matching panel.

Personally I think people who adopt when they already have a child (birth or adopted) are incredibly brave.

Thank you both for replying.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders would you mind me asking why you think that? Obviously I'm aware it comes with its own issues, do you mean brave because of the affect on the biological child? Or the adopted?

We have a birth child who was 3 when we started the process and 5 when my son joined our family ages 3 (2 years between them and process took about 2 years). For us I couldn’t have any more children and it was only child vs adoption. I really didn’t want an only child.

I was much more hesitant than my husband. He was very keen on it but I was worried about rocking the boat (we were very happy) and the unknown aspects around adoption.

Eventually, I decided to proceed (I wanted a sibling for my daughter. She was definitely the catalyst).

I found the process was fine. The hard part was matching. But as soon as we decided to proceed with our son it was ok.

It’s been challenging becoming a family of 4 but I think we’re doing ok. I think we are content and I think in time, we will be happy. It was the right decision for our family.

I think brave because of the existing child in the family and the potential for negative impact on them.
Adoption is a real leap of faith, and I think you have to be even more brave to bring a child into a family with an existing child, than in other adoptions.
However I have seen it done really successfully, and obviously everyone aims that the benefits outweigh any negatives and does their best to minimise risks.
I'm not really in a position to comment though as we adopted 2 at once, but others here can advise better on how to increase chances of adopting a second child being beneficial/not negative for the first.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders you are absolutely right; it is a leap of faith and we agonised over whether it was the right thing to do. Our first child settled so well and we were worried by introducing another he would be negatively impacted. It did raise many questions for him about his own adoption, and he became very concerned that we’d give him away if he was naughty. I think that’s why for the second we spent a lot more time ensuring (as best we could) that the match was right. We said no to a number of children before we progressed with my daughter, who settled very well too