Choosing between dog and wife or adopted children

[cola2019]

Just after a bit of advice for my brother and his wife. They adopted 2 children in September - it has been hard but ok. My SIL is the higher earner she she works full time and my brother is the primary carer. They also have a dog. The dog is struggling and my brother thinks they need to re home him. My SIL adores the dog and they have had him for 7 years as she isn't home with the children as much she doesn't have the relationship with the children that my brother has. She has basically said if the dog goes so does she, basically he needs to choose wife and dog or children. Personally I think they rushed into it they had a fabulous life before the children and that has all gone. In reality there old life has completely gone. I think they thought it was going to be all fluffy unicorns and gorgeous children running about in the Baby Boden!!!! What ever he does will probably affect their relationship. Any ideas how they can make it work with a dog and children??? Children are used to dogs but dog isn't used to children. He is constantly going for the 18 mnth old the 2.5yr old not so much.

No brainer. The dog goes if it can't be safe.
This should have been covered in the homestudy, and the wife would have said to SW that dog would be rehomed if needed.

It is still early days and they both said that obviously the dog would be rehomed if a problem but now she wants to go to, she just doesn't seem to be bonding with the kids - it has been hard this holidays as she has been home with them all for almost 2 weeks and she is closer to the dog than the children. I have no qualms about my brother parenting alone but they have both been so desperate for children for a long time I didn't think it would turn out like this - I would never ever have thought she would choose the dog over the children.

And wife maybe needs to take some leave to try to bond more. I think it can be very hard for the non primary carer. They need to make sure that the wife does get sole care for chunks of time at the weekends, both to give the husband a break and to help her feel more attached.

It's all quite worrying really.

Can a family member take the dog for a while?

Is she getting any support?
Disrupting the adoption or leaving the marriage are both nuclear options.
She needs encouragement, and to fake it until she makes it. I can see how she might feel more attached to her dog at the moment, attachment takes time.

Surely the wife needs to spend more time with the children. I believe you can get adoption leave just like maternity leave. She needs to work on building a relationship as a whole family. Small children are hard work.

If they have had the dog 7 years now hold is it? They may only have it a few more years. Not to be cruel but the kids are way more important than the dog.

Sounds like she is feeling under pressure from everyone and this is her breaking point. She has had 2 kids come into her home and all the shock and disruption that involves, including those little mental images you create beforehand going up in smoke. Reality is not always so kind and stress or even post-adoption depression can affect how we feel and act. She is seeing her children bonding with hubby but not her and feels pressure to keep working and keep earning. The dog is the only thing that hasn't changed towards her, so she is holding on to it. I'd suggest she cut back her hours or take some time off, and look to get the dog fostered or looked after by a friend and gradually reintroduced to the kids on neutral territory, like on a walk. There's no reason why the dog can't get used to the kids (mine have all done it - 4 dogs over 3 adoptions) but it takes time and patience and the kids safety has to come first. Also maybe ask hubby to take the dog for some nice long, kid free walks (or just one kid) whilst she has some bonding time at home with one or both of the kids.

I'm surprised that this has gone on as long as it has. If the dog is actively aggressive towards a very young child, it should not be in the house.

Have they spoken to a dog trainer or behaviour specialist?

If the dog is a risk to the children then the dog will have to go. But it’s worthwhile unpicking it a bit first.

It’s a big change for everyone, dog included. Like others I don’t understand why both parents aren’t spending a lot of time with their new children. Adoptive parents get maternity leave.

SIL did have 10 weeks off but since going back to work children have become closer to my brother so I think she feels a bit rejected when she is in the house and the dog is always there for her no matter what. She is really stressed but is a very sensible woman so hoping she will see sense. My brother is very close to her dad so i think he is going to ask him today if he would consider having the dog for a bit - the dog knows him well as he always goes to his when they go on holiday!

Firstly if the dog is a danger to the children it has to go, now, it shouldnt even be a question.
But there is a lot to unpick here, and the welfare of the children have to be the primary concern.
If SIL chooses to walk, your brother may not be able to keep the children anyway, because the whole premise of the placement was two parents, finances, childcare, support, everything based on that. As they were placed in September I would imagine that they havent been to court yet. The SW could very easily remove them.
Setting the dog issue aside, nothing else you have described seems out of the ordinary in terms of early placement, Im sure many male adopters feel the same when they go back to work and leave their partners at home as primary carers.
There is also absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you are struggling and asking for help. The ealry days are hard, you have to grit your teeth and work at it. Your brother and his wife need to remember that they wanted this, the children didnt ask to be put in this situation.
They need to talk to their SW, get them to post here, no one will judge, we have all been there, we all remember how hard those first weeks were.
Disruption is devastating for everyone, their life, their marriage will never be the same again even if the children left. But it absolutely does not need to get to that point, they need to ask for help

She somehow needs to not take rejection personally. It is right and correct that the children will bond first with the primary carer.

We alternated bedtimes with our DDs when placed. When it was DH's turn to do DD2 (2-3 at the time) she used to cry and cling on to me as if going with DH was the worst thing in the world. It would have been easy to give in, but actually normally by the time they were half way up the stairs she was happy and giggling.

What measures have been put in place to keep dog and children safe? Our LO was a year old when she came home and we have 2 dogs who'd been used to having free roam of downstairs when we were home and slept on the bed with us at night.

2 years on, dogs spend most of the day sleeping in their dog beds in the kitchen separated by a child gate. They spend some time together before breakfast as hubby currently sleeps on the sofa and they sleep downstairs with him. They also now have set feeding times whereas before we left food for them to eat when they felt like it. LO often fills their bowls and gives them their daily treat as well as taking them a walk. Any contact between has to be closely supervised as LO likes to play vets and will pull one of the dogs ears when upset.

Honestly there have been many times when I as LO's main caregiver wanted to get rid off them since she came home and there have been two things that stop me. Firstly it is not the dogs' fault. They had no say in our decision to adopt and they are the way they are because of decisions we've made when it comes to training them. Secondly it would be easier for me to move out than get rid of the dogs as both hubby and LO would leave with them.

Honestly the best advice is probably get them a dog walker. A properly walked dog will sleep and it will give both dad and dog a break from the stress of the children.

I'm assuming that SIL can't take any more leave as they have bills to pay if your brother isn't working. If they adopted children who were previously in foster care then I very much doubt they rushed into as you described. That being said I don't think anyone truly understands the impact of taking on a traumatised child in this way until the child actually comes home.

My hubby actually ended up on medication because of the stress of suddenly having a child coupled with the realisation that he was now solely responsible for keeping the roof over our head. He also struggled with feeling inadequate as LO would reject him when upset and we'd have rows about what to do to get her to sleep at night. It took a long time to get where we are now

SIL is a bit ridiculous. The dog situation would have been covered during the SW visits if the SW did their job correctly.

It would have also been covered during the stage 2 classes. It would have been mentioned over and over that adopted child have come from some awful backgrounds and that as adoptive parents they need to be extra flexible, cautios and aware of potential issues.

Though Hitchy there is a difference between knowing/thinking in the theoretical and understanding/feeling in practice.

I can imagine the DW not really believing the dog would be a problem, and anyway thinking she would be massively bonded with the DC.

Adoption is such a leap of faith into the unknown. You can think you are well prepared and then things catch you unawares.

I really hope they find a way through.

The issue of pets and particularly dogs comes up time and time again. If you try to raise awareness of it as a real, potential issue you usually get accused of being a scaremongering dog hater.
Absolutely, none of us know how we will feel until there is a real child in your home, but this just shows that it can be a serious issue which, if rare, does happen and needs to be taken seriously as a real possibilty

After reading all this the first thing I thought was those poor children. Placed with a couple who they thought were going to be new mum and dad together in a family and now that family might split up.

They need to see a properly qualified dog behaviourist quickly. When I say properly qualified, I mean someone qualified with APBC or CCAB. The qualifications are important as anyone can call themselves a behaviourist and there's a lot of charlatans out there. They will be able to advise and help to put some strategies in place.

Is the dog still getting its usual walks? If not, find a dog walker to give the dog some exercise and a break from the kids.

Does the dog have a safe place to retreat to, where the children aren't allowed to disturb it? If the children are repeatedly prodding the dog awake (as an example) I'm unsurprised it's feeling grumpy - I would be!

I'm sorry but you can't just send children back when you've adopted them. This is outrageous and I can't believe he's even suggesting this is an option.

She's clearly struggling to bond with the children. They'll still have a social worker who she needs to contact for support.

The dog needs some training and socialising. In the meantime, the dog needs to be kept in a separate room. They can just put a stair gate between the kitchen and living room or whatever depending on the layout of their house so the dog can still see everyone and not feel abandoned.

I think you've read the post wrong

My SIL's dad has taken the dog for the time being and SIL has taken time off from work. My brother has taken a bit of a step back to allow her to do more with the children and apparently they have had a relatively good day today.

@cola2019
that sounds like a good start

That's good. Hopefully everyone in the family can rally round and offer practical and emotional support (like dad taking the dog) and let them find their new normal as they grow into their roles as mum and dad.

cola2019 I hope it will all be OK.

It's really tragic. But I hope things can move on. Kids are hard work and going from 0 to 2 very quickly is hard.

I totally agree with @ifchocolatewerecelery. Depending on how severe the situation is a behaviorist or trainer should be able to help put management in place for the dogs. We had someone round a year ago and we're only just about to go to panel. They went through routines for the dogs, safe places for them and our expectations for the relationship between the children and the dogs. I have a background in dog training but getting outside help is hugely important for a neutral view to help with managing dogs and children.