Have we all managed the holidays?

[SimonJT]

I was dreading christmas, it’s only our third one together.

Last year despite having as few changes as possible we had sleep regression, huge anxieties, separation anxiety and even vomiting due to being so deregulated.

It may be a fluke, but this year has actually been okay, I was able to relax on day three as he was actually coping really really well with a change in routine.

Changes can be so so hard, I hope everyone has pulled through christmas this year, and those of us with school aged little ones, I hope the first week back at school goes as smoothly as possible.

We did okay with the holidays but one day back in the real world and it’s all come tumbling down.

Currently in the middle of a stand off with the world’s stubbornest 9yo. 😬 Seems she really can’t handle reality.

And that was only holiday club, not even real school. 😭

Not an adoptive parent but found Christmas hard- again.

For me, its the absence of therapy and no support which has made it harder I think.

Christmas was fine. We spent it abroad with our family and experienced the typical testing of boundaries by our two toddlers, since they were in a different environment. However, we are now back to our day-to-day routine in the UK and our 2-year is throwing huge tantrums every night at bedtime! It’s like he has regressed after the holiday.

I've noticed a huge regression in my little one's behaviour over the past few weeks, which makes me sad as I was really starting to feel like we were getting somewhere (was placed 4 months ago.) We have kept things very low key and tried to maintain as much of his normal routine as possible but he has still struggled. Think we will all be glad to get back to normality on Monday.

Waves to @tldr - that will be us next week That said, the holidays have been only moderately bumpy (let's not talk about how much screen time I've ignored) and fitbits all round for Christmas have meant we've done lots of walking, which has created space for some good chats that might not have happened otherwise.

Finished off the mulled wine tonight as a little reward for surviving

Not too bad here. We've kept things quietish and have spent almost all our time as a 4. It's been wonderful having my DW off work. Now ramping up for back to school on Monday though 😬.

I was in your position last year @poppet31 my son had been with us 4 months and was so violent and things were so much for him I don’t think we left the house as a four. My husband was off work which I was so grateful for. That allowed me to take my eldest out to see friends and family or an activity. I take that back. I took my son out to a zoo just the two of us to reconnect a little after such an awful few weeks and it ended in hospital. I wasn’t such aware of the self harming at that point.... (he couldn’t handle being happy)

Anyway, fast forward a year. He hasn’t hurt me since the week before Christmas. He is calm and relaxed. Planned loads of day trips out. Been to the panto, soft plays, cinema, crazy golf. All of which he has enjoyed! (He couldn’t play and peppa pig was too long for him to concentrate on a year ago) and best of all he and his sister have gone on 3 sleepovers to relative houses!! Who would have thought it?! Some me time!! My point being, a year is huge in any child’s development, for my son, it’s been astronomical. He came in nappies unable to speak and very violent a year ago. Now he is a happy little boy. This time next year, you may be encouraging someone else as much with your little miracle. Hang in there @poppet31

I suspect we will have a few meltdowns as things return but maybe not. Who knows what will happen? Im doing my best not to worry about it

Our third Christmas too! Christmas went well and we’ve been away for a week (in England) for New Year. High as a kite on holiday and quite full on but loved and enjoyed lots of new experiences! However, in his words last night- back at home- “home is the best place to be” Think we are ready (and not ready in equal measure!) for the return to routine!

I've been going to bed early the last few nights to help my LO get to sleep to help regulate her waking up time back to school hours. When stressed she relaxes much better snuggled up next to me.

Did I mention she's 15 ? (Y10 so schoolwork ramping up but not GCSE year yet.)

Our third Christmas and apart from what I think are fairly normal levels of excitement all has been good. My daughter for the first time allowed herself to be properly excited about Christmas and actually had a Santa list (with a couple of nerves that she might be on the naughty list). My son we I’ll in the run up to Christmas so there were tears about things we had planned but couldn’t do. We all have had two weeks off so routine has gone out the window but they’ve liked having time together - we’ve pulled back on screen time because I think it’s been affecting their sleep patterns which have been pretty awful (so tired parents too).

Given our first year was very hard going, this year has felt good - we do still keep things low key but we’ve all been able to relax, see extended family and have fun. They both asked to look through their memory boxes today, so I know their past is on their mind but that’s ok too.

It was horrendous. DS was, disregulated grumpy, refusing to eat, tantrums every 2 minutes, regressive behaviour e.g. wanting to be fed.

I think it’s our own fault. We went to Disney on 9th December and he coped really well, but didn’t have chance to settle back into routine before Christmas. Won’t be doing that again!

We did well. Last year (her second with us and only 3 yr old) she was so excited and wound up she was ill on xmas day and a horror for the 2 full weeks we were off.
This year I decided to put the decs up later, to have calmer less filled days and relax. Most afternoons we cuddled up on the sofa with a xmas film. It has gone really well.

Mixed results here. My son age 4 did brilliantly for Christmas. We were staying at my mums and he doesn’t really like her so it was an extra effort from him. Then things unravelled when we got back home on 28th. Took our eye off the ball and let him have way too much screen time. Never be complacent! Husband also went emotionally dysregulated with viral infection. Culminated in major dysregulatory episode. Managed to reset everything and had super day ice skating today. Only one more day until back to school, I really think having the school routine is good for everyone! Overall, I still feel we had a good time despite the middle bit!

Ours was pretty tough, especially compared to last year which was a magical first Xmas together with our three ACs. Our fault really as DH was away just before Xmas, we were then away seeing various family during Xmas and even saw the kids FC's. I was ill the entire period and totally exhausted when my DH came home and we were with family I was pleased to mentally check out for few days which was a massive mistake. My overly keen SIL embellished so much attention on AD she was calling her mummy by day 3 and totally rejecting me . I've spent the rest of the holidays in a mess trying to reconnect with my AD but she's been very confused and I've been pretty shocked and upset that almost 2 years in this can still happen. Feels like I'm starting all over again

Oh god that sounds awful - how old are your kids? I think Christmas so easily throws them off - I know my two have been very thoughtful about all things family, they been looking at memory boxes and talking about their foster carers and birth family. It’s hard to think about needing to be restrained and careful when you’re 2 years in and they seem so settled but I’m very mindful that it’s an emotive time.

In terms of your daughter it may be worth letting her get back into her usual routine and seeing if she settles down again, once she’s less unsettled you might talk to her about Christmas and what makes someone your mummy. I know my kids struggle still to place family roles and relationships - eg sons, daughters, mums, dads and sisters.

It’s hard, I’d write this year off as a bad run and think about what you might change for next year.

Thanks @jellycatspyjamas. AS's are 18 months and 3 and AD is 4. I think you're right re just writing this year off as a lesson learnt and we'll keep things much lower key next year. I just feel the need to keep SIL away from the kids for a long while now which seems unfair but she was so full on but only with AD which was odd. No one else - other than another adoptive parent - could understand what's happening so I just seem like the crazy SIL!

It’s really hard when family members don’t understand the need to back off a bit. DM drives me mad with with it.

@Gertruude I think we all have family members like that. My brother in law is exactly the same. Whenever he is with our kids he just showers them with so much attention that it makes us feel uncomfortable. It gets to the point where our kids also just want to be with him and even don’t want to hold hands with us outside when he is around. It’s quite annoying, but some people are just like that with kids.

@FairyBatman and @JohnPA how do you deal with it? I feel like i can't say anything as they think they're helping. And I do want them to have a good relationship with the kids but to have an understanding of boundaries. But I know if I say anything it'll become weird and they'll back off completely and ignore the kids which will confuse them more I think!

I can’t offer advice as we have decided to stay diplomatic and we basically avoid seeing him often these days, which is a shame. We did say to him though that when we are outside we expect the children to hold hands with us rather than other people.

Hey Gertruude, sounds like you have had a v hard time.

I always asked mine to not do any ‘caring’ for the LOs, so no feeding, cutting up food, plasters, toileting, clothes changes etc. Yes, they thought I was nuts/overprotective etc. And easier said than done if you were ill yourself.

Long after I thought my LO were settled (like years in) I said to my eldest who was maybe 6 at the time something like ‘I can’t have you both making that noise at the same time’. She heard ‘i can’t have you both’ and thought I was about to send one of them back.

That was a real eye opener to me.

I’ve taken the same approach as @tldr and asked family and friends to redirect the kids back to my husband and I for any care explaining that my kids need to learn about what it means to be a mum or a dad (given their on the third people who they’ve called mum and dad). I don’t expect them to understand but I do expect them to back off and to actively direct my kids back to me. It might be worth having a chat to your SIL mentioning how unsettling Christmas has been for your kids and that you’re taking a step back in terms of reinforcing your family unit with them and as part of that could she please point them back to you for good, care, hugs, hand holding etc.

No blame, or finger pointing but just that your kids need a specific type of care to help them adjust after the holidays. At the same time in your day to day chat with your kids comment on “what mummies do”, eg when my son asks for help with something I’ll say “of course I can help, that’s what mums are for”... etc

I’m thinking if your daughter connected with your SIL it might be hard for her not to see her but putting some boundaries in place might help. It’s far from the hardest conversation you’re likely to have as a parent and she probably will have no idea she’s got in the way a bit. If she doesn’t adjust her approach then you still have the option to back off.

@gertruude I am sorry to hear that and this isn't the same but might make you feel better - two of my siblings had dc quite a few years before I did, and the daughters of both siblings (not the sons) would attach themselves to me and insist I should be their mummy - I guess when they were around 6 or so. We thought at the time it was because my siblings and I are all similar but I was fun aunty whereas their mothers were being mothers, boundaries, discipline. Their sons didn't try to persuade me to be their mummy but would try to fix me up with every random man we met including men serving in shops - "Excuse me - do you want to marry Aunty S?". I understand it isn't the same but I agree with pps. See it as highlighting a confusion on her part and with that comes opportunity, and keep re connecting. I would be as honest as you can with your dd when explaining things including your own feelings to some extent, life can be confusing and not perfect, and all that.

@tldr and @jellycatspyjamas I think you're spot on re the caring for the LOs, we'd insisted on that in the early days but I think we all thought it was fine now. Everywhere except SIL's (where we were staying) I do all care for the kids right down to making food etc. At SILs over Xmas SIL would make breakfasts, lunch and dinner as it was her house. She'd play with the kids constantly which being ill was a relief. She'd sit AD on her lap which is when I started to feel uncomfortable but the AD would ask to so I felt I couldn't stop it. It wasn't until I was packing to leave and heard SIL take AD to the toilet and AD call her mummy that I freaked as was like ok, we need to leave which thankfully we were anyway. I hadn't realised how much this would have been mirroring intros where the FC withdraw and we started doing more. Because I was ill I let it happen so entirely my fault but yes from now on you're totally right I'll just endure all family know only we do any of that stuff.

@sassygromit that is a helpful point and I totally agree it can be like that sometimes. My brother is often the fun uncle and my DH can feel threatened but it's not the same as it was with SIL at Xmas.

Thankfully she doesn't live close so I'm sure she won't notice my withdrawing and I will make sure before we see them next time I have a proper conversation with her about it.

Thanks everyone!