Birth Mum with cancer

[MFrankie]

Not really sure where to turn. The local post adoption support locally now no longer exists.
I relinquished 5 and a half years ago. Once a year letterbox.
I've now been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. I wont live until LO is 18. I've asked the placing social worker for advice but I'm not holding out much hope.
Do I include it in letterbox? Do I pretend everything's fine? How the heck do I handle this?
Any suggestions greatly appreciated

Hi @mfrankie welcome to Mumsnet.
I am really sorry to hear about your diagnosis and your situation. My advice would be to give pac-UK a ring. They will be able to offer clear advice. They have a first family helpline and you don't have to be in London or leeds. I have spoken to them once and they have been really helpful.

www.pac-uk.org/our-services/firstfamily/

Forgot to include a link.

Sorry to hear this. Do you remember the name and office address of your childs social worker and you could write a letter or even an email address? Even if they are no longer an employee someone else would hopefully take the information on their behalf eg it would be sent on to the team leader and they may sure this with your childs adoptive parents.

Sorry I just reread and saw letterbox is still happening-I would use that if you get no where but maybe in a separate letter other than the one that the adoptive parents may be sharing with your child in the future.

I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis.

If I was the child I know the one thing I would truly appreciate as an adult would be a letter from you aimed at an 18 year old me. Telling me all about you, my bio dad, how you met, your childhood etc.

I would try to get it out soon via letterbox to the parents - explaining to them in a separate letter the circumstances and asking confirmation they got it.

I am also sure that any caring adoptive parents would be very grateful to know you have provided that for your child.

Really good advice from @HelloRoaring20s

I am very sorry about your diagnosis. I hope you will be able to make contact with the adoptive parents.

We have some experience from the other side. We were once told that a birth family member had terminal cancer. I was very grateful for that information. For various reasons we could not visit, but my daughters made cards which we send straight away (they were about 8-10 years old at the time). Fortunately the birth family member recovered. However, we had conversations about the situation with the children and had that birth family member died, my children would have been mentally prepared and possibly coped better. We could also think about what we could do as a family. We would have very much appreciated letters for our children for then and for age 18.

My birth father died when I was a toddler and he did not reach out to my adult/ older self even though he knew he was dying. It is something I have never understood. I would have loved to have a letter.

Good luck to you. I hope you get help.

So sorry to hear this. I have to say if I was your childs adoptive parents I would really want the opportunity for you and my child to meet before it was too late. To avoid confusion, depending on age, I may introduce you as a friend rather than their birth mum but I would want that memory.
Also like the idea of the letter for the 18 yr old later in life.

If you get nowhere with the social worker then just send the letter via post box. If they object they will have to get in touch which will open up dialogue.

I’m so sorry to hear this.

As a birth mum I would write a normal letter but write separately about your health- mainly because I would be worried if my child would be reading this how they would feel. I would write a letter for them for when they were older and I do think it is important that your birth child will know that you passed away rather than just stopped writing- I think emotionally although very tough it would be less damaging to know “my birth mum loved me and wrote regularly until she passed” rather than be thinking “she was writing regularly why did she stop, did she have another child and forget about me? Etc”.

I would also be looking into whether you would like the adoptive parent informed of where your remains are (I know this is horrid to think about) so that your child has access to that should they wish to and if so who will inform them. Is there another family member who will be able to answer questions should your child have them? How much do you want to share about treatment?

I know this sounds a lot and must be so emotionally difficult for you.

My thoughts are with you and your family

I'm so sorry that you have had this news, its devastating on many levels.
As an adoptive mum I would want to know so that I could tell my son. He is 15, and whilst not an adult I would also want to give him the option of meeting his birth mum in these circumstances. Your children may be too young for this to be a consideration. If so I would really value a letter and some photographs so I could tell my children when the time is right. But I would also like the opportunity to give you some photos and probably more information than I would normally give in letterbox.
This next bit may be difficult to contemplate just now and I'm sorry to raise it but I do think its important, When the time comes I would like if possible to know about the funeral arrangements, again as my son is older I would want him to have the option to attend if he wanted, but if your children are younger, visting a grave may be important later on.
I hope you have support from family and friends .

I totally agree with Ted for an older child.

For a younger child, I'm guessing maybe only 6 or so if you relinquished, I really don't know. Definitely say it in letterbox, I agree a separate letter. I think there could be benefit in engineering a meeting between you and your child, even if your child isn't told who you are, so some photos could be taken, and for you. But that massively depends on the circumstances, how the adopters feel, how 'stable' your child is etc. I can imagine this might be an awful idea. I just don't know.

I would agree with Ted too.