Adoption social work ask for embryos to be destroyed

[patrick80]

My DW and I have been trying to have children for years without success. This culminated in us spending a lot of money on IVF which too was unsuccessful. We decided that the emotional stress (and financial stress) was too much and so gave up on IVF. Now a couple of years later we are going through the adoption process and obviously the IVF came up. During a discussion with the social worker, it was mentioned that we had some frozen embryos which are still being stored (not that we have any plans to use them). The SW told us it would count against us unless we had them destroyed. I am being unreasonable in thinking this request was completely unacceptable?

Adoption social workers have to be sure that you're not going to change your mind sometime down the line and, as you have those frozen embryos, they're bound to have concerns.

And yet they can’t be sure fertile couples won’t change their mind.

This is completely unethical and I wonder what the HFEA would think about a 3rd party encouraging/requiring embryos to be destroyed?

I have frozen embryos that I have no real prospect of using (can't afford more children), but also can't bring myself to destroy or donate them. It's a really emotive issue that it's hard to fully understand if you don't have frozen embryos, and a Social Worker has absolutely no place telling you what to do with them. Would they be insisting a fertile couple be sterilised? I doubt it. At the most, I'd think that an agreement not to use the embryos for a certain amount of time would be acceptable, but being told to destroy them is absolutely not acceptable.

@WTCT I know what you mean. My DDs (10 and 7 and birth sisters) are very much mine and my DH's, we're Mummy and Daddy to them and we're the ones who wake up in the night when they've had nightmares. DD1 has SEN and we've had to fight hard to get her the support she needs.

In my L.A., at present, there are more adoptive parents than children and the children that are waiting are the most difficult to find adopters for - sibling groups, older children and those with additional health needs. Yes parents are asked to commit to taking contraception during the adoption process and during those first few vital years. I've never heard of any parent being asked to destroy embryos though and as another poster said SW would never know if they were destroyed or not.

But this is something you should be talking through with your SW and explaining your reasons for holding on to them and she should be explaining to you why she has asked this of you. It should be a collaborative process.

Please listen to those who have had experience of the adoption process. I think it would be beneficial for you and your partner through the process.

@TatianaLarina

Who is "targeting' couples with fertility issues.
If you seek to adopt then you are putting yourself forward voluntarily to be assessed. The needs of children waiting for new families comes first, you want to adopt, then you comply with what SWs require. Sometimes SWs can be over zealous and not pick. I have had my share of issues with SWs but as far as the requirements go, there is usually a very good reason why they exist.

That is terrible OP. They they have anyway in following it up?

Who is "targeting' couples with fertility issues.

Couples with fertility issues are being requested to do something that it is not possible to request of fertile couples.

"read what I wrote finances were only a factor. The main reason we stopped was emotional stress. Unless you have been through IVF its hard to understand how emotionally draining it is when it fails."

That's beside the physical and emotional side of just going through the process.

And you think you could manage that and a newly adopted child?

Getting pregnant naturally, is a completely different experience.

Sometimes there's still letterbox contact to manage and feelings can change towards the bio family once numerous IVF attempts fail.

You have to be in a good place physically and mentally to adopt. It can take a couple of years to know of the adopted child has any SN etc because they don't know if any shown issues are environmental or physical.

Adoptions fail for a variety of reasons and SS are just trying to prevent even more failing.

@Ted27 I agree. There are a lot of adoptions that break down (20% or thereabouts), and it's social workers who then have to pick up the pieces with children who are put back into the care system.

I have issues with the way some things have been handled by SS, but I didn't have a problem with the rigorous probing before we were approved as adoptive parents. As I said, you need determination and a thick skin to get through it.

Awful. YANBU

It seems to me that adoptive parents literally go to hell and back to adopt. When I see the druggie, fucked up morons having countless children where I live and being allowed to keep them as they are in and out of foster homes whilst they dry out, I can’t help but think it’s not quite right

@TatianaLarina

Most fertile couples who want children will have birth children so it's a bit of a moot point.

Fertile couples are asked to use contraception.
Basically you are commiting to put the needs of an adopted child before your own need to have a new baby.....
No 'targeting' or discrimination. Just good sense

God, I hate these threads.

I’m an adoptive parent and have not gone to hell and back to adopt. Not even close.

Most fertile couples who want children will have birth children so it's a bit of a moot point.

Not necessarily.

Fertile couples are asked to use contraception.

Yes but not forever. That’s the difference.

Please get this moved to the adoption board where the advice will be from experienced adopters. It's a tricky subject but I can see why they have asked this as you do need to be 100% focused on the process and sw cant risk it falling through if IVF is still on the table. Good luck with the adoption process though, it is truly the best decision we ever made

WCTC - stop being a nit picker and finding things to be offended by. I am an adoptive parent of a sibling group so you can take all your political correctness somewhere else.

I personally think it's totally unreasonable and it's no wonder that they are struggling to find homes for children who need to be adopted.

It seems to me that prospective adoptive parents are held to a totally different standard then the rest of us.

I understand they want what's best for children, particularly as they may have had trauma in the past, but real family life isn't all neat and tidy and without surprises for any of us. Many children will have to cope with their parents going through IVF and/or having another baby.

Feels like it's the children who ultimately miss out.

zigzagbetty, I actually think it's good this is in here, it gives others an idea of what is involved in the adoption process.

WCTC - stop being a nit picker and finding things to be offended by. I am an adoptive parent of a sibling group so you can take all your political correctness somewhere else.

Then you should bloody know better and realise using language like that is the absolute antithesis of ‘nit picking”.

Political correctness my arse. It’s common decency.

YANBU. I disagree that infertile couples are being ‘targeted’ but I do think an agreement to say you won’t use for X period of time is a much fairer alternative. You being asked to be not to use the embryos for X time is the same as a fertile couple being asked to use contraception.

In my eyes fertile and infertile couples also come to the decision to adopt differently. Fertile couples are truly making a choice. They can have biological children , they choose not to or to expand their family by adoption. It's a full choice.

Infertile couples, especially after many goes at infertility treatment ,at IVF etc. come to the adoption process by forced choice. While they still have a choice, if they want a child there's no other option. It's an entirely different thought process that comes alongside grief, exhaustion,possible trauma,anger ,feelings of failure,inadequacy etc. It sometimes comes with still yearning for their own biological child. It comes sometimes with feeling like settling for second best.It comes with feeling of a stop gap or alternative until maybe ,possibly they can conceive a biological child.
It's a fucking mine field and SS have to put the children first. I understand the attachment to the embryos, but the inability to let go can be seen as a risk.

ElizabethG81
I have frozen embryos that I have no real prospect of using (can't afford more children), but also can't bring myself to destroy or donate them

After a bit of soul searching, and a great deal of though I donated mine for research and training purposes.
Can't leave them in freeze forever. I couldn't donate to another couple based on my age, nor do I think that was something I would like.
The person who implanted my DS2 must have trained somewhere and probably used somebody else's embryos to train. So by allowing mine to be used will hopefully help other couples achieve their dream.

It seems to me that prospective adoptive parents are held to a totally different standard then the rest of us.
Yes, we are. Thanks for noticing.
But honestly, we need to be, because it’s rarely an easy path.

WCTC - stop being a nit picker and finding things to be offended by. I am an adoptive parent of a sibling group so you can take all your political correctness somewhere else.

No sorry I also find it offensive and I’m the least “nitpicky “ person I know.

I’m a parent of biological children and adoptive and it wounds me greatly if anyone says “own child” when differentiating between my biological and adopted. And I would educate them without hesitation that they are all my own children. That’s not nit picking.

OP I’ve been through both IVF and adoption process and with hindsight IVF was easier. Not that I regret it. Sending support x

If you knew how many adoptive DC end up back in the care system with even more trauma and rejection because the adoption fails as the adoptive parents conceive a DC then you would understand why there are preventive steps SW want to take to avoid that.