Adoption social work ask for embryos to be destroyed

[patrick80]

My DW and I have been trying to have children for years without success. This culminated in us spending a lot of money on IVF which too was unsuccessful. We decided that the emotional stress (and financial stress) was too much and so gave up on IVF. Now a couple of years later we are going through the adoption process and obviously the IVF came up. During a discussion with the social worker, it was mentioned that we had some frozen embryos which are still being stored (not that we have any plans to use them). The SW told us it would count against us unless we had them destroyed. I am being unreasonable in thinking this request was completely unacceptable?

I am an adoptive parent and would question why you wish to keep the embryos. Social workers want you to commit to adoption and that means coming to terms with your infertility and having grieved for the biological child you won't have. Living with a child with trauma does stir up a lot of feelings and I really would advise making sure you are 100% ready to put IVF behind you. I was asked to use contraception for 18 months after little one was placed and I think this is pretty standard now.

Unacceptable. Plenty of people adopt and go on to have a child of their own, they don’t demand they get sterilised before adopting though.. so why should you get rid of your embryos?

I have friends who adopted after failed IVF they were told their application wouldn't be considered until they'd been a year post their last IVF to allow them time to grief for the bio child they will never have.

I guess its seen as if your still holding on to embryos you've not fully accepted you'll not have a bio child and your still clinging to hope of that bio child instead of grieving the child that will never be.

Another adoptive parent here. I think you need to figure out why you want to keep them? And yes, raising kids who have experienced trauma is heartbreaking, exhausting, rewarding, and amazing. So many things. Worth every moment, but you need to be 100% committed to that child.

Plenty of people adopt and go on to have a child of their own

@CakeandCustard28

My adopted children are my own thanks.

I’m sure you meant well, but your choice of language is offensive to many.

What if you want to adopt even if you aren't having fertility problems? Do they insist that you get sterilised? I know of families that are made up of both adopted and biological children, surely that's a good thing not a bad one?

Whyhaveidonethis Sun 29-Dec-19 16:15:08 I was going to adopt a friend's child. Social services wanted me to give up work until she was 5 (I didn't for my own 3 dc), and also sell my rental property to go ahead with it so I could pay for nursery!! Needless to say I declined and luckily the mother sorted herself out and kept the baby. No wonder people don't adopt.

WTAF?

I frequently get flyers through the door of the local council 'desperate' for people to foster or adopt children but if they make it this difficult then I can see why they seem to be short of willing participants.

WTCT- Exactly. Referring to adoptive kids and not being our own kids is exactly why policies are in place. My child is my own child. I'm adopted as well and language like that always made me feel like shit as a child.

That's absolutely disgusting. No way should you be asked to do that, I'd be sending in a complaint.

I’m shocked to read this. Absolutely appalling and I cannot understand posters here seemingly supporting such a request as being normal. It’s the social services and their rampaging over people.
It’s all very sad. I hope you manage to adopt and do not have to show any evidence of the destruction of your embryos. Perhaps try to be cautious with what you tell the social workers.

So if you became pregnant naturally during the adoption process would they insist you had an abortion?

A friend of mine adopted a baby girl when she was told she would never have children of her own. Just over a year after the adoption she became pregnant naturally and had a healthy daughter. She again became pregnant and had another daughter less than 2 years later.

There is no question that all three of her daughters are equally loved, as I am sure would be the case with you, if you ever used your stored embryos.

But what if the adoption process doesn't work out and you destroy eggs/sperm and then are turned down? Why not sign something to state that you will not consider IVF/surrogacy in the run up to the adoption process nor for 18mths afterwards? In the same way as others have been asked to use contraceptives for a while. That would seem like a sensible option to me.

@NoHummus hope you are not an accessing social worker as you seem to be ready to make a decision about our suitability to adopt based on one statement about destruction of embryos.

My child is My child, its irrelevant that he was adopted.

No plenty of people do not go on to have birth children after they have adopted. In families where there are birth and adopted children, the birth children usually come first.
No SWs dont ask people to get sterilised but they do ask people to use contraception.
SWs are looking for commitment to a process and a potential child, keeping the embyros feels like you are still hedging your bets.
I don"t know how I would feel about destroying embryos, so if it were me I would donate them

I guess this explains why so many children are stuck in foster care. I appreciate that they’re trying to do what’s best for the adoptive child but surely a family (even if that include siblings close in age or parents who both work) is better than no family at all? I could understand if there were more families willing than children needing, yes in that case you’d want to only adopt to the most committed families but when we live in a society were many peoples lives are ruined by an inadequate foster system this just doesn’t make any sense.

Slightly different situation to us. I have a 6 year old, he's actually my husbands nephew. He's under a special guardianship order and has been with us since he was 5 months old. As I was only 22 when we had him he was our first child. We now have conceived our own and have an 11 week old. During our application to care for him we experienced alot of questions like what if you have your own and don't want him any more?! Over the years I've experienced a lot of negative views from narrow minded people who assume I love my daughter more than him because I gave birth to her, or assume I will understand what loving a child is really like when I have my own. Believe me I've heard it all. I feel your situation is very similar to mine. People with presumptions.

Personally I am disgusted in the local authority for putting you in the position you are in. Even if you do adopt and continue later on down the line to have your IVF babies I promise you you will feel no different. If anything I am more protective over my son. Challenge them, don't do anything you do not feel comfortable doing.

I hope you manage to adopt and do not have to show any evidence of the destruction of your embryos. Perhaps try to be cautious with what you tell the social workers.

You think lying /being deceitful/secretive is the right way to go when adopting a child with possible trauma and other issues?

SS are the for the child. The process is gruelling,tiring,emotional and exhausting. Because adoption can be all those things. SS can't afford to get it wrong. Those kids can't afford to get it wrong . Adoption can and does fail even at the best of times,with the best intentions, why would SS risk it if they believe there's unresolved trauma,grief, attachment etc?

@sueelleker
No you would not be asked to have an abortion if you became pregnant during the adoption process, you would be withdrawn from the adoption process

It’s right that adoption and fertility treatment doesn’t run side by side.

Op I wonder if you’re quite ready to move on to adopting if you’re still committed to keeping those embryos.

Absolute disgrace. I am amazed that that can be a legal requirement. A commitment to not use them during the process and, if matched, for x period afterwards may be reasonable. Destruction completely unacceptable.

I think you have to remember that Social Services are trying to provide the child with a rock solid family not provide you with a child. Policies like these come from experience of hundreds of situations and it may be that they find that statistically those with IVF embryo's are likely to drop out or have failed adoptions etc.

@Candymay exactly! Plus what if adoption doesn’t work out and they are left with nothing? I would be interested to know how many people saying destroy the embryos, actually have or have had embryos of their own in storage? I have some in storage, it will be me and my partner (their Dad) who decides what happens to them. Not some random 3rd party

Perfectly reasonable request.
If you are not ready to give up on the hope of having a birth child you are not ready to adopt.
Where I live it's dealt with in the first conversation with social services - if you have embryos in the freezer the process goes no further, and even if infertile contraception must be used.

There are now more adopters available than children waiting....there is no desperate need for more adopters.

A commitment to not use the embryos for 18-24 months afterwards is more reasonable? Destroying them or donating them is very final