Rejecting wife

5 replies

Nenora · 20/12/2019 16:20

Hi all,

We are currently 6 weeks into placement with 3 yr old DS. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. He has bonded with me but has struggled to bond with my DW.

My DW went back to work last week and my DS is sick with a virus and over the past few days he has become more rejecting towards my DW. To the point that he screams at her to get out of the room he is in and continues screaming until she does. But at other times he plays with her. He says "he doesn't like her"

He never leaves my side and wants me all the time.

I am finding it hard to care for him and support my DW's emotions. I have suffered with anxiety and depression in the past and am struggling with these atm but my DW cannot support me as she is feeling rejected.

She is really good with our DS and does not show her hurt in front of him.

I am feeling anger towards DS as DW is a lovely person and would never do anything to hurt him. I do not show this anger but it is building up in me.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you deal with it? And did it change?

OP posts:

Fedupofitnow123 · 20/12/2019 16:31

I'm not sure, but dont want to read and run, does she leave the room when he screams? I dont think she should, clearly a 3 year old shouldn't really dictate who can be in a room

rillette · 20/12/2019 17:06

I follow an American adoptive Mother called Elsie Larson. She has a fantastic blog about their adoption journey called The Larson House. I know she has definitely written about how their first DD preferred her DH over her for the first few weeks.

GinisLife · 20/12/2019 17:29

Join the Therapeutic Pare ring group on Facebook. You'll receive great advice on there.

Purple1314 · 20/12/2019 20:06

Hi Nenora, I have heard of this happening to others and if you look through past posts you may see some advice there. I think you'll need to unpick your DS's experiences. If his experiences are that people who look/sound like your DW are dangerous (because they are like FC who have in their eyes left them or birth father family) then this will play out in his behaviour. For our 3 yr old she screamed to maintain control because she felt out of control and wouldn't let my DH provide any care. We pre-empted this and would say what we were doing prior to her being able to determine what she wanted. We also didn't "give in" and although this led to meltdowns in the longer term it has meant that she is clear we will keep her safe as we have routine and boundaries for her. Hope this will help a little - stick with it, it will get better over time.

ifchocolatewerecelery · 20/12/2019 22:26

He is stuck in survival mode at the moment. He's had his whole world ripped away from him. He just started to get used to you both and she disappeared. From his point of view does that mean one day she won't come back? does that mean she can't be relied on to meet his needs? What if suddenly she takes you with her? If he pushes her away she can't steal you from him and if he sticks like glue to you then you won't be able to go without him coming too.

My AD3 has been home over 2 years and adores daddy but often rejects him when he comes home after working away for a few days. We do lots of FaceTime while he's at work and I go upstairs and leave them to it after tea for half an hour if he's home early enough. We have a locked cupboard full of toys (either the time need adult supervision or don't work if you lose some of the pieces). She gets to choose up to 3 different ones a night to play with him. There are board games by orchard toys, simple jigsaws, marble runs, play doh, colouring and stickers among other things.

Flip