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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

6 weeks into adopted siblings

9 replies

Col781 · 16/12/2019 12:10

Have hovered here in the last few weeks and joined up to say that reading through some of the posts have really helped when times were tough and the days felt bad ! Reassuring to know others have had the same thoughts/doubts and made it through.
Life has gone from carefree and quiet to the chaos and continual attention of a 2 and 4 year old and still taking it day by day, can't say I have fallen in love with them yet.

OP posts:

Thepinklady77 · 16/12/2019 16:29

I just wanted to reply and say all you can do is take it one day at a time. It may take a long time to feel that you love them. This has been discussed on these boards before.

Love comes in lots of different forms. It is not always a deep gushy feeling but rather knowing you have committed to them for the long haul and you will go to the ends of the earth for them.

My DH and I previously fostered two babies (separate placements) who we had from new-born to around a year. I can say that the gushy feeling came fairly quickly with them as they were so little and entirely dependent on me for everything - there was so much physical contact that promote bond/attachment and ultimately love. We then adopted our siblings 2&3. Being older there were less opportunities for physical prolonged contact (although we were creative in trying to create some of this), and they were grieving losses in their short lives and this meant that at times they were exhausting to parent. Some days it felt hard to even like them.

Two years in I would say it in only within the last few months that I have had a really strength of love feeling towards the younger but if I am honest it is still not there with the eldest. I do however, know I love them and I would die for them. We are committed for the long haul. I watched my eldest last week in his school nativity giving his all when last year he could barely look up from the floor and I burst with pride! That is my love feeling. So don’t worry about feelings and take it one day at a time. Small steps, forward and backwards and make sure you carve out time for self care.

NMN781 · 16/12/2019 17:57

I realised very soon after my DH went back to work that limiting screen time was only putting too much pressure on myself on what could feel a long day!
I knew it would take time to feel the love, I think I was a little naive in thinking that, with all I knew about their background etc, I would be able to understand the behaviour without disliking it. Not the case, but as you say, day by day is all I can do just now. My saving grace is that they generally sleep through the night!

Mintylizzy9 · 16/12/2019 18:02

Looking back I think I was in shock for the first year, mainly a happy shock but lots of WTF have I done days...still have the occasional one now a few years in!

The early days are utterly exhausting and I only had one to contend with. I wish I had taken better care of myself back then, self care is the most difficult thing to manage but one of the most essential x

GoodStuffAnnie · 16/12/2019 18:08

thepinklady What a kind and inspiring post. X

YouveDoneItToYourself · 16/12/2019 18:09

Fake it til you make it, it will come in time

jellycatspyjamas · 16/12/2019 19:22

I would be able to understand the behaviour without disliking it.

I think it was @Ted27 who spoke about how counterintuitive much of our parenting is. It’s not usual to hold someone who is hitting you, to keep calm while someone is shouting at you, throwing things or rejecting your care. At each step of the way we’re acting against our natural instinct to protect ourselves physically, emotionally, psychologically - understanding where the behaviour comes from doesn’t make it likeable or even bearable some days.

Properly thinking that through helped me have some compassion for myself as well as my children. It’s hard to love a traumatised, scared, dysregulated person, even if they are little and you know where it comes from.

Love comes in many forms, sometimes all we can do is get up and go again.

NMN781 · 16/12/2019 20:05

Fake it til you make it

My time at youth drama group was well spent

Allington · 17/12/2019 00:03

how counterintuitive much of our parenting is. It’s not usual to hold someone who is hitting you, to keep calm while someone is shouting at you, throwing things or rejecting your care

This. With bells on!

It is only recently that I have realised how much DD1 - in particular - was pushing me away (while desperately wanting to be loved unconditionally) , and that was why I found it difficult to feel connected to her.

The reality is rejection hurts, that is natural and normal. The challenge is to cope with that and still act in a loving, open manner. But it is damaging to our own mental health, because no matter how much we understand it intellectually, we are still acting against instinct.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 18/12/2019 21:57

We adopted 2 (older than yours). It was full on. It took 3 months for me to feel like I was getting the hang of it.

What helped me

routine / structure / plans for the day
getting out of the house every day no matter what
DH doing his fair share and giving me time alone
time to get to know them, understand what made them tick

Even things like learning what food they like / dislike, learning to spot 'getting tired' signs can make a big difference when you can do it.

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