Adopted Sibling

[LJ55]

Hi
My mother had a baby adopted back in the 70's and went on to have two more children (myself and my sister). My adopted sibling has traced my mum and they are now establishing a relationship together (my adopted siblings parents have both past away). My question is I'm not sure how to feel about it all. I'm ashamed to say I'm feeling quite jealous of the situation and the time they are spending together. It's been such a shock and don't know how to react. It's caused quite a lot of family tension because I'm not ready to have a relationship with this other person. Many thanks for reading

Hi OP, I can relate to this in a way.
Growing up I knew I had an older sister I had never seen, she was adopted a couple of years before I was born.

My sister traced my mother when I was 21, they have a good relationship but, I struggle in my relationship with her. The main reason being my childhood with our mother wasn't a good one, I often found myself wishing I had been adopted as well which is ironic really. My sister had a good life with her adoptive parents but, she never felt she fit in.

I think if we had grown up together we would have got along well but, I just can't feel it as an adult. I think we rushed into building a relationship.

So now we keep a healthy distance.

Would you consider some counselling to manage your feelings are the situation?

I am an adopted child whose reunion with my birth dad didn't go well. It turns out he was also adopted. So I am in an odd situation of being both a birth family, so to speak, and an adoptee. I can see this from both sides.

I know who my birth mum is- she has three children. The thought of disrupting their lives fills me with dread. I'd like to know them, though, truth be told.

It must be so hard for you to be a bystander in this and my experience of for example FB groups is that the adoptee will be getting egged on that her feelings matter more than anyone else's. I don't take this view. You have a right to say no to her having an ongoing relationship with you or to takings things at your own pace. Your feelings do matter. You are allowed to set boundaries.

You cannot control your mother's decisions but you can tell her how you feel. She needs to make it clear that she comes as a package now - there is no 'just us' in this scenario. It may be something the adoptee finds hard to accept but it is a fact.

You may find over time you can form a relationship with her on your terms. I wish you all well.

LJ55 I'm sorry you are finding this so difficult.

Sid toy always know there was an adopted sibling it was it a shock?

I wonder how old you are and whether you still live with your mum?

I am a birth mum and a mum to a little bit by adoption. I cannot imagine how it would be to be separated from either of my children. But I would imagine it is so hard. So your mum must be facing some very big feelings. So must this 'new' sibling.

Can you access some counselling?

I hope you can work through these feelings and that the future will be better.

Did you -not Sid toy!

Little boy

Many older adoptees like me find out that our birth mothers went on to have more children: with the same or different father. If we trace our birth mothers we don't know of this will be the case. We equally generally don't want to thrust ourselves on siblings. In my case, I know about my 1/2 siblings and have met one, but have no emotional connection to them. I have a loose relationship with my birth mother, who lives a long way away. I am glad I traced her and it answered a lot of questions, but I don't need a closer bond as I have lived all my life without it.