HELP! Adopted child with existing biological child

[Youdoknowbest]

I have one biological child (girl age 8) and two adopted children (boy age 6, came home aged 2 and girl age 3, came home aged 7 months).
My 6 year old adopted son has shown classic signs of attachment disorder almost since the beginning. He regularly loses his temper, threatens me, hits and punches me as well as throwing things. He has also done some of these things to his older sister, my biological child.

The post-adoption support team have been useless with any kind of help and we feel as if we have nowhere left to turn.

I'm terrified that my older child will resent our choice to adopt because of the way she is currently being treated by her brother. I don't know how to help my son deal with his trauma and whilst I know nothing will be a quick fix, I feel like I'm failing in all directions. My son is only like this in the house and with family; he's fine at school and with other people.
Is there anyone out there with similar experience to us and can offer any kind of advice or strategy at all? Or even anyone who can just tell a similar story

My eldest definitely had attachment problems, but did not exhibit them in the way you son is doing. I would personally approach the GP and ask for a referral for assessment with CAMHs or a psychologist. In particular emphasis it needs to be someone with experience in adoption and differentiating between trauma related behaviours, attachment issues, adhd (many children wrongly diagnosed who actually have PTSD) and autism. Also look at whether your eldest would benefit from play therapy, counselling etc. I'm sure as annoying as her brother's behaviour is, she will still love him and not resent you for adopting. Good luck.

PS lots of children are fine outside the home with other people and at school. They melt down at home because it is the safe place. This actually shows your son trusts you to be there and not abandon him - he can show you the 'worst' of himself and know you will not leave him. You are not failing! Whatever his difficulties (whether attachment or something like Autism) you did not create these in him and you have not failed him or your other children.

Your family sounds like mine. Biological daughter aged six adopted son aged 4. He has been a part of our family for just over a year.

Within weeks he started displaying that behaviour. Hurting us, himself throwing things, destroying things, aggressive behaviour everything you described. It’s been awful.

Things have been better recently (less violence) but I’ve gone back to work part time and that’s upset the dynamics. A few weeks ago he had a blow out worse than ever. I was broken afterwards and so was my daughter. On the back of it she was crying every day (she is normally so happy) and telling me she couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t be a big sister ant more. It was just too hard.

It’s completely broken me. I don’t know how to help either child. I’ve spoken to Sw who have been So supportive and encouraging and told me it’s ok to feel like this.

I’ve changed things at home. Given my daughter extra one to one time (when he is at nursery as I have 30 mins before I need to collect him) and before bedtime (there has always been 2 stories or chapters). This has helped us reconnect.

We’ve also done more activities as a family to help us spend time more positively. It’s not been easy. I’m my sons safe place so he can be challenging anywhere but only with me.

I’m running thin though. Housework is the bare minimum and standards have dropped. I’m trying to look after myself by taking time to have a cup of tea before sxhool runs or see friends when I can. Funnily enough work is my safe place and is seeing me through the week.

I wish I had answers but I don’t. I know what you are going through and the guilt is immense. But this is your family and your daughter won’t see it as anything but. That’s what I tell myself!!

Have you had a formal assessment of need done for your family? SS are not legally obliged to follow through on its recommendations but it is a good starting point.

Adoption U.K. might be able to offer support and advice with your post adoption support. Also NATP offer advice to members. They have a free closed Facebook page too called therapeutic parenting with members from all backgrounds so there will be some with similar experiences. There is another group called Attachment Disorder U.K. (parents/carers of children with AD) which is also full of supportive members.

Some things are wrongly blamed on RAD when they are in fact related to FAS, autism, ADHD, or sensory processing issues. When you say your son is fine at school, with respect he is only six, and may just be masking at school rather than actually being fine. Sometimes children with autism or ADHD are very compliant at school, and as another poster said, let it all out in their safe space. Autism and SPD do sometimes present as attachment issues and manipulative behaviour - ie nice/charming to others but not nice to family members.
I have a child with autism. not adopted, but I know others with adopted children whose children exhibit many similar issues with sensory processing, social communication and it is all placed at the door of attachment, when it is not just that.

The SN board on Mumsnet has a wealth of information on ideas to help children with SN issues, some of those children are adopted too.

anxiety is often at the root of many violent responses in children, so tackling that will be the key...managing routines, Social Stories, sensory appropriate strategies - could be about sleep and helping child get enough, weighted blanket etc, working out what sets your child off - uncomfortable clothes, noises, food they don't like texture of etc etc. We have had a lot of violence in our family from a sensory challenged toddler/young child who showed no difficulties at school or with friendships, but let it all out at home and found it difficult to settle or sleep or entertain herself. I think focussing on the child's needs reading books that might help give ideas etc for strategies in retrospect would have been better than focussing on the damage she was causing to her siblings - so it wasn't so much family therapy that was needed, but focussing on her and what was going wrong for her and then the family dynamics dramatically improved.

Thank you everyone. It actually helps a lot to know that it's not just us going through this. I think we do need to make sure we find individual time with each child and also do more together as a family - something needs to change to keep us together.

We're waiting on a referral to CAMHS and the school have done various assesments, all of which have discounted ADHD / ASD, although there is a possibility of sensory processing issues.

My son seems to be doing more and more dramatic behaviour - choosing his actions for maximum drama

I was having a particularly awful day yesterday. I’m not sure why but we just have days like that. Sorry for the meloncholy reply!

I think all families go through tougher times. I remember when my friends little one started school they had an awful time with behaviour and separation anxiety at home. Not to the same extremes but it was heartbreaking for the family to see their little one so distressed every day.

I think spending time with family is so important and sometimes it’s overlooked. I had found after I’d gone back to work things like housework seemed to take priority over playing. Time individually was more difficult to fit in so time together with both children became more frequent. I’ve had to shift my thinking a little and say as long as the dishes and washing is done things like dusting and mopping can wait. I’ve too young people who really need me when I’m not at work. Standards have slipped but that’s ok. It’s also ok to take a breather during the day. I sometimes feel guilty about it but I was getting really down about it. Look after yourself. Only then can you look after them.

School won't be able to assess for ASD or ADHD or discount it as a reason for issues! you need an OT, a paediatrician and a psychiatrist/clinical pyschologist. Has he seen all these specialists????

School can't assess to diagnose ASD/adhd etc. What we can do is - if our SENCOs have had the correct training/completed the correct qualifications - is carry out tests which can indicate that there are traits which indicate further testing/assessment is beneficial. You need a referral to an educational or child psychologist to assess for and rule in/out a diagnosis such as this. I was once told by a colleague that my child 'definitely did not have dyslexia' and that she was 'an expert in this' as she 'had a masters in special education'. Low and behold the ed psych diagnosed my child. Schools do not and cannot diagnose.

Youdoknowbest My adopted DS is 9 and came to us at 3, our birth dd is now 15 so was 9 when ds came. It's birth dd who has more issues as she is on the spectrum and has mental health issues. However, ds has some issues, possibly related to his neglectful past etc. He has a hot temper and gets very angry and frustrated quickly. It has got better but we got good help.

Anyway, we had Theraplay, a special kind of play therapy, when he was 6 and it made a massive different. We have now started VIG (Video Interactive Guidance). Please go back to your authority and find out what they can offer, it can be paid for by the adoption support fund. Just be very persistent about needing professional help to protect all your children.

I'd also ask your GP for a PCAMHS referral (Primary - refers to the initial referral not the child's age) Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. Just in case it is something they can help with.

Good luck, keep going, this can change, but I think you will need help.