References

[yellowbuses]

I wonder if anyone could please give me some advice about references. I'm a single Mum to my 4 year old ds, and I've been wanting to adopt so much for about 3 years now. I'm not in a place to do so right now as I'm working on getting my finances in order & doing lots of research etc so that I can take the first steps.
The problem that I worry is going to be a sticking point for me is the reference side of things. I have family members who can provide references, but although I have friends, I don't have any very close friends that have known me since year dot/know me inside out who I feel totally comfortable about asking. Without going into too many details, for various reasons - upbringing/relationships etc, I've had issues with connecting closely with people in the past, but since breaking away from unhealthy ties I've had lots of counselling, working on healthier relationships and building self confidence etc. Things are getting better.
However is the lack of older friendships going to pose a big problem for me, and will I automatically be viewed as unsuitable as a result? I know there are also lots of other factors I need to take into account, but this is the one thing I worry I can't fix.
Any advice would be very much appreciated.

I think as long as you have people who know you well enough to confidently speak about your capacity to parent, your resilience and the way you use supports you’ll be ok. I didn’t have people who knew me forever - one of my referees knew me for about 6 years but we have a very close relationship.

It's important to be able to explain to social workers some of the things behind situations. So not having longstanding friendships but having been able to form closer links to people now, having worked through issues or whatever, is a good thing.

We chose two family members and a few friends as referees. One had known me for about 7 and a half years.

As you've identified this as a potential issue for you then you can put in some time now making friends/developing friendships with people who can be referees but also can be part of your support network.

"Things are getting better." is a really good place to start.

"but this is the one thing I worry I can't fix." Well, you cannot go back in time and get to know people earlier but you can build on those good friendships. I do think part of it is down to just time, making time to be with people.

Over the years I've made time to do stuff like go for a short walk regularly (once a week or once a fortnight) or swimming with a friend, (again weekly) and just that little bit of time on a regular basis has built up the friendship.

Thanks so much @Italiangreyhound and @jellycatspyjamas for your advice, that really helps and gives me hope!

We chose not to use our oldest friends and instead used two family members and a friend who knows both me and my husband but knows my husband much better than me but only for about 2 years. The main point with references seems to be that they can evidence your abilities with children and can support the information we had put in our profiles. Our support network and who we use for support came separately and although our SW didn't contact them we talked a lot about the important people in our lives and who we will lean on if we need to.

None of our referees were asked about our abilities with children. At the time of application, none of our friends or family had young children so our referees had never seen us with kids. We were open about this throughout the process and it was never a problem. I recognise that we might be unusual but friends who went through our LA said that same (and were similar to us).
Our referees were slanted towards my DH. One of them was his sister, another was his best friend so the latter knew my husband very well but me not so much. I alerted SWs to this and they took a written reference from them, but interviewed a friend of (just) mine separately.