Adopting as a single father

[Joyboy8417]

Hello all, I know that this will be an interesting topic for some, and that there will be some negative nellies out there that will say many things, but I have joined because I am starting the process of adoption as a single male, 31, and I am in a position in life that I really would like to offer a loving and nurturing environment to a little one.

There are a lot of opinions in my workplace that I should and will only be given the opportunity to adopt a young boy, but my parents and I would prefer a little girl (mainly myself). My question is directed to the experienced adopters out there and if they know of any single male adopters and if the panels are automatically are a bit more gender bias?

I have a strong background with adoptive children having worked in social care, healthcare, and having three young cousins that are adopted whom I spend much of my time with because I do a lot of outdoorsy stuff, due to my experience as a cadet, and so they love to come along with the dogs and I.

I look forward to the replies, both positive and negative (if they arise).

On a side note, please do feel free to fill me in on some of the initial process. I have watched YouTube videos, researched and have talked to my cousin (mother to my adopted cousins) and all of their experiences are out of region, i.e. up north. I live in East Sussex and will be working with three agencies for initial contact and introductory classes to get a feel from them each and choose which I feel will best suite my situations and will provide the support through the journey. East Sussex County Council adoption agency, P.A.C.T out of Brighton, and Barnardo’s agency (Southborough). If you have any opinions, understanding or experiences with any of these agencies, please do let me know as I start my first introduction night November 19th.

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@Joyboy8417

I'll give you my take on your comments, you can agree, disagree or whatever.

"Biological links to children, although irreplaceable, can be established with a child through a nurturing and caring environment."

I think I get what you mean, my adopted child is just as precious to me as my birth child. However, they are not biologically linked to me and, interestingly, although it does not matter to me, it does appear to matter to him. So I need to be careful not to assume it's all the same thing, even if it appears the same to me.

"Given that they are not our children, there will always be a sense of detachment from the child to the parent and visa versa ..."

I'd not agree with this, I'm not detached in any way from my son.

"This would bring in the conversation of nature vs nurture, which is a highly debatable subject..."

It is, and both play a huge part. I think it is important to remember children who come into the care system have 'the deck stacked against them' (so to speak) often in both nature and early nurture.

donquixotedelamancha "I don't really get the preference of a particular sex, you can't pick if you grow your own."

I get it.

I do know people who tried to influence this in birth children, and to some very small degree there may be a may to influence it! It's not something I'm proud of but both times I went into parenting thinking girls would be better. Partly, I think there are misconception around girls and behaviour etc. Which may have played into my thoughts.

Which is why this documentary, which focused on boys, was so helpful for me.

I think it's quite common Italian. I found narrowing matching criteria very hard, to the point of being too open because I had no particular image of our future child (which I think is more unusual). It really took attending some activity days to elicit an emotional response and start to make it real. Everyone is different.

donquixotedelamancha "Everyone is different." Yes, indeed.

I was very glad I widened my 'internal criteria'; and interestingly our family finder missed the bit in the file where we said preference for a girl anyway!!

I dont think you need to overcome your predispostion towards girls. Just be open to other possibilities. Bottom line is you will be in competition with other adopters for children, girls are more popular, the boys find it harder. Being rigid just reduces your opportuntiy of finding the right child and may mean you miss out on a great match.

I don't agree that there will always be a sense of detachment. Me and my so are welded together. I have never thought about him in terms of not being 'my' child. He was mine from the day I met him. I dont think you can afford to think of then in any other way than being yours.

The other thing that strikes me is your comments about your adult relationships. SWs will be looking for you to have a support network, who will you turn to for support, both practical and emotional. With a child you will be need to be able to form positive relationships with other parents, teachers, professionals who may be involved with your child.

Personally I found that although I did have a gender preference at my heart, as the assessment process progressed I was more aware as a single adopter of accepting/connecting to a child with needs I felt I could manage on my own (obviously being aware of the uncertainty related to adopted children)

You might find that the gender of your child is really insignificant when looking at reports of children with potentially huge needs and all that entails as a single adopter.

Honestly, OP, I’d be more concerned about you saying you kept all adults who weren’t related to you at arm’s length. You’ll be adopting a child who isn’t biologically related to you, yet you seem to use blood relations as a measure of who’s trustworthy and who’s not? Don’t you think that could be problematic for a growing child?

I don't agree that there will always be a sense of detachment.

I agree, my children need me to be closer than close, I couldn’t be detached from them if I tried - physically, emotionally or psychologically. They’re mine, I’m not at all detached from them and they’re clear that they’re mine.

Some of what you’re saying does worry me, to be honest. In particular keeping adults other than family at arm’s length and also the detachment you talk about.
Adopting a child is a massive undertaking. As a single person, it’s unlikely you’d be considered for a baby or a toddler, so you’d be looking at a child of probably four or five up to eight or nine, who is likely to have been neglected and/or abused, possibly have been sexually abused, and almost certainly have attachment problems.
A child who is also very likely to have challenging behaviour. Can you still love that child if she or he assaults you on a regular basis, verbally abuses you, swears, steals from you and your family, harms family pets? I could go on. This is what I and my friends who have adopted have experienced from our children. It’s 1,000 times harder than you could ever imagine and a million miles from your fantasies of being a parent.
I don’t want to put you off but you will have to work closely with school staff, social workers, therapists etc for many years to come.
As for practicalities, can you take up to a year of adoption leave from your job and then fit in work around your child? Because many adopted kids can barely hold it together at school and just can’t manage after school clubs or holiday clubs.
I hear you when you say you want to give your child opportunities but with adopted kids trips out, holidays, treats of any kind often result in meltdowns. Books get thrown across the room, toys smashed in temper and frustration, food can be a battleground.
Do your research. Read some books, have a look at the Adoption UK website, in particular the message boards.
Be absolutely sure this is what you want, and be aware a high number of adoptions break down.
I’m sorry to sound so negative but I struggled with my daughters for ten years and if I hadn’t recently taken the step of putting my 15-year-old back in care I think she’d be dead and I’d have had a breakdown.

Papergirl1968

I understand where all of you are coming from with all of your comments. I will take a lot of what you've said with me on this journey.

I understand that, for many of you, my comment about detachment seemed outrageous... In a way, it was meant to seem that way, because I am only very new to the process and wanted to get more of a point of view response from people to prove the point, in my mind, that an adopted child is n will be my child.

My relationship with adults has been a strained one, but that is for personal, romantic, relationships... Not professional or working, etc. I have many friends, colleagues, and those who are simply irreplaceable. Family, although I find them trustworthy, I always know to keep my eyes on them for some things, but I trust them.

My support network is all around me. Family, friends, health professionals, other care givers etc. I have been open about my decision to start down this journey and have been supported unconditionally, so far. I have a network that spans across South England to Northern Ireland, should I ever need them.

I understand that their are going to be huge challenges ahead and, possibly, it will be yelling, fighting, abuse, etc. No one can prepare you for that, even biological parents could have this, so I am going to do the best I can.

I don't have all the answers, but I am ready n excited to learn and begin my journey. I have read tons of books, websites, YouTube, etc. And being the most book smart person cannot always prepare you for the true journey of parenthood. I agree that it will help to be informed and educated, but some of it just has to come through experience and being 'in the moment'.

Hi Joyboy I wish you all the best. If you haven't already it's really worth joining the National Association of Therapeutic Parents and joining the Facebook page Therapeutic Parenting - loads of support and experience on there as well as this adoption thread. Take care and keep us posted

You say you took steps at 18 to ensure you wouldn’t have biological children... what steps were they?
What challenges do you find regarding relationships? I would worry that your challenges with sustaining healthy romantic relationships is.... a red flag for your ability to engage in other relationships.
Obviously I don’t know your personal history but I’d be prepared to think carefully about how you were parented, your life experiences, and think really clearly about whether there’s anything there you need to work through before beginning this process.
I’m sorry to sound so negative but I felt like there were some complex points you raised within your posts that suggests there’s more going on for you.

I think you need to be prepared for people to question your motives and more over, why your personal relationships are tricky ... my dd is autistic so I'm very aware of this side of things. Preventing having biological children at 18 is not normal behaviour so expect to need to have very detailed answers (not for us, all I will do is wish you the best).

You say “normal behaviour”, why do I have to fit a predetermined norm? We are all individuals and must march to our own beat. My ability to have romantic or ‘complex’ relationships are two very different entities. I am able to establish relationships with those I choose to have in my life, but I am not interested in a romantic or sexual relationship.

I have never been the type to fit the predetermined norms that others set for me. I have worked through those times in my life and am better for it.

I am emotionally and mentally prepared and stronger because I have lived through these experiences and feel that the bonds and relationships that I have established are deeper and more important to me.

People can question my motives all they like. My motives are purely to provide a loving and happy home for a child, like anyone else.

I start my journey next week. I will, on occasion, post to let you know how progress is being made and maybe, in time, a match is made!

With respect, OP, no one’s questioning your motives, only pointing out that you’ve said several things about your ability to form relationships, your ‘hard exterior’ towards unrelated adults, that you’ve been mistreated, and that you chose at 18 ‘to make it so that I can’t have my own kids’, that have caused some concern to people who’ve been through the adoption process. You’ll need to convince your social worker that you’ve worked through any past traumas and are going to be able to model good relationships to a child who may have attachment difficulties and have good reason to be mistrusting.

No one’s asking for cookie-cutter, but I think you will need to be prepared for a lot of detailed questioning along these lines as part of the adoption process.

It's not that you have to fit a predetermined 'norm', it's that you have to be able to give a coherent narrative of your life and that includes your decision at 18 to not have children. Research shows that the human brain doesn't fully mature until the early 20s and people in general feel that 18 is too young an age to decide that you definitely will never have a biological child. That's not to say people don't decide such things as a teenager. The comedian Sarah Millican talks openly about her struggles to convince people that she is not going to change her mind and suddenly decide to have a child or regret not having one.

The adoption approval process is in part about reflecting on and providing reasons for your life choices. Mumsnet and other forums such as this are not set up for that.

It's not that you have to fit a predetermined 'norm', it's that you have to be able to give a coherent narrative of your life and that includes your decision at 18 to not have children.

This is really important to get your head around. It’s not that you need to fit a pre-determined norm, so much as your decisions on the road to adoption will be very fully explored, including your decision at a very young age to discount the possibility of have biological children. The more defensive you are, the more they will wonder what you’re defending. So, by way of example when you say

I am emotionally and mentally prepared and stronger because I have lived through these experiences

any social worker worth the title will really want to unpick that with you, eg what experiences have strengthened you emotionally, in what way are you stronger, how would you articulate your growth and what’s getting in the way of you having a mutually fulfilling partner relationship. Tbh the lack of even the desire to possibly one day meet a someone romantically would raise a red flag for me because I’d be concerned that you might be hoping a child might take the place of a life companion - not sexually but in the way that people can over rely on their children for emotional care and support, which is unreasonable to expect them to provide.

People will always show interest in lives that are out of the norm, in adoption that’s for very good reason because our children often already feel out of the norm - you sound very defensive talking about it here, give some thought to how you might park that defensiveness during your assessment because it won’t serve you well.

Not much to add because I think the previous replies are excellent. Just want to agree with them.

This is not the place to bare your soul and PPs are not asking you to; but the SW will. Folk are pointing you towards the areas which will come up.

It's not about being 'normal', there are a huge range of adopters. It's about the ability to parent well- dramatic choices, past trauma and difficulty forming relationships indicate potential risks which need exploring.

Everyone get asks these types of questions. Often past difficulties can be great strengths of an application, showing the ability to deal with adversity.

I adopted as a single guy, the whole process itself is fine, but just be aware that once the adoption has completed and the order is signed support in many cases is completely removed. Obviously the trauma your child has suffered doesn’t leave, but access to support can be removed which leaves you at the mercy of long NHS waiting lists.