Adopting as a single father

[Joyboy8417]

Hello all, I know that this will be an interesting topic for some, and that there will be some negative nellies out there that will say many things, but I have joined because I am starting the process of adoption as a single male, 31, and I am in a position in life that I really would like to offer a loving and nurturing environment to a little one.

There are a lot of opinions in my workplace that I should and will only be given the opportunity to adopt a young boy, but my parents and I would prefer a little girl (mainly myself). My question is directed to the experienced adopters out there and if they know of any single male adopters and if the panels are automatically are a bit more gender bias?

I have a strong background with adoptive children having worked in social care, healthcare, and having three young cousins that are adopted whom I spend much of my time with because I do a lot of outdoorsy stuff, due to my experience as a cadet, and so they love to come along with the dogs and I.

I look forward to the replies, both positive and negative (if they arise).

On a side note, please do feel free to fill me in on some of the initial process. I have watched YouTube videos, researched and have talked to my cousin (mother to my adopted cousins) and all of their experiences are out of region, i.e. up north. I live in East Sussex and will be working with three agencies for initial contact and introductory classes to get a feel from them each and choose which I feel will best suite my situations and will provide the support through the journey. East Sussex County Council adoption agency, P.A.C.T out of Brighton, and Barnardo’s agency (Southborough). If you have any opinions, understanding or experiences with any of these agencies, please do let me know as I start my first introduction night November 19th.

You should really move your post to the Adoption section of this site.

Yes, agreed, ask for this to be moved.

Yes, the adoption board on here is well-informed and supportive, and there are a lot of other people starting the process.

Google Ben carpenter. He's so inspirational. He is a single dad who has adopter 5 (nearly 6) children with severe and complex learning needs. He's amazing.

Op, I have no suggestions or experience however, if you feel you can offer your home/life to a child who needs it - go for it. If you work in social care I’m assuming you have a good understanding of what most adopted/foster children need, emotionally/mentally. My suggestion again - go for it! You’ll be amazing

I have a very close single female friend who has adopted a lb and gay couple friends who have been matched with a LG. Neither specified though, in fact my single friend was set on a girl but went to a meet event and bonded with her boy who was also a different age to her choice. Keep your options open but you won't be refused based on sex

Hi, a man gave a talk to my preparation group and he and his (male) partner had adopted a sibling group which included one or two girls, sorry, can’t remember exactly. I just remember him saying they'd had to learn to style long hair.
I didn’t think you could do your preparation training with more than one agency. Unless things have changed dramatically since I adopted ten years ago, it was a case of approaching an agency, going along to an information event, confirming you’d like to be considered to adopt, passing an initial assessment, and then being allocated a place on the training.
As training is a costly investment, I think you’d have to commit to one agency before that point.
I’ve got a lot of friends who have adopted and never heard of anyone doing their preparation several times over with different agencies. I can’t see it going down well if you’re found out, tbh.

Firstly, thank you for replying. Loads of reassuring posts.

I am not sure who I ask to move this to adoption, but who ever it is hopefully it will be moved.

Papergirl1968, I am not doing the prep classes with each agency only the introduction nights. I was advised by each agency I contacted to make sure I contacted at least two others n go to their meet n greet nights to get a feel for which appeals.

To the other posters, It looks like they are not gender bias. From what you've said, if the child and you are considered a good match they go forward. I am not closed to the idea of a little boy, but I have always wanted a daughter; possibly due to having past relationships having daughters and maybe that is why.

Hopefully, if this gets moved, I will post more questions and I look forward to your help along the journey.

We'll move this thread now.

Ah, ok, sorry I misunderstood and good luck with your adoption journey.
I’m sure you’re aware these kids are almost all very damaged. I’ve struggled with my two for ten years and have just had to put the youngest back into care aged 15 as she regularly ran off and self harmed. It broke my heart but she was beyond my control and I couldn’t keep her safe.

Hi Joyboy, I'm in East Sussex and I did intro evenings with a couple of the LAs around here. If you'd like my thoughts on them feel free to DM me. I didn't go with them, but I did think PACT were very good.

Hi, I'm a single female adopter.
The first thing I would say is what your parents want isn't really relevant. Its you who is adopting so just be a bit wary about bringing your parents into discussions with SW, except for the support they can offer you.
I have a teen boy. There are some practical considerations to take into account eg taking a child of the opposite sex into public loos or changing rooms but nothing insurmountable. Grandad will have to teach my son to shave for example. As long as you are happy and comfortable talking to a teen girl about periods etc, I don"t think there is any reason why you shouldn't adopt a girl.
Having said that, think very carefully about why you would prefer a girl. There's nothing wrong with wanting either a boy or a girl, except if you have a particular vision or perception of what a girl might be like. Just be clear on your reasons.
Personally I would keep an open mind, the most important thing is that you can meet the needs of the child. I did find myself gravitating towards boys, although I did look at a few girls profiles, one of which was a strong match. I was looking for an older child though so personalities were clearer and the girls I considered were very traditionally girly, so I probably wasnt best suited.
There are a lot of single adopters out there, but not that many single male adopters. Try a few agencies, you will soon get a feel for who is or isn't supportive. And ignore your workmates - adopters usually need to grow a thick skin because someone who hasn't a clue will always know better than you.
Good luck!

I went into the adoption process being clear I wanted to adopt a sibling pair, boy and girl. I went on to do just that. The assessment process is very, very thorough and social workers will, rightly, explore the reasons for your preference of boy or girl along with your understanding of their care needs etc.

I’m going to stick my neck out and wonder if you’re thinking that folk might ascribe suspicion to a single man wanting to adopt a little girl? My guess is that the general public might see something untoward in that but assessing social workers I would expect to be much better informed about issues around risk and abuse. The reality is children of any gender can be abused by adults of any gender albeit statistically men are more likely to perpetrate certain types of abuse. I’d be much more interested in what you have to offer any child, and would risk assess you in exactly the same way I would any person, single or in a couple, who wanted to adopt.

Thank you for taking the time to message back. Jellycatspyjamas, very well written answer and that is exactly what I was implying. From my experience in social care often I have encountered those who are close minded to male taking care you girls.

I have loads to offer any child, but I will give some thought to why I have preference to one, rather than the other.

I will reflect on what's been said and will try to go into the process with a more open minded approach towards gender preference.

Thank you all for your time.

That shouldn't say male taking care of you girls.. Typo, should say make taking care of a girl.

I wouldn’t give too much thought to being flexible re gender, it’s a very normal thing to have a preference for one over the other (how many times are pregnant women asked whether they’re hoping for a bit or a girl). I think as long as you’re open to finding the right child it’s ok to hope that that’s a girl rather than a boy. The end result might be different - but it might not, when you get to that stage you just don’t know which profiles will speak to you and which ones won’t. I’d be worried if you refused to look at profiles for boys, but it’s ok to have a preference.

I agree up to a point, jellycats, I really thought I didn't mind, but when it came to it, I had a clear preference for boys.

I'd just hate to see adopters miss out on matches because they wouldn't shift at all on sex, age, siblings or singles, even if everything else stacked up.

Absolutely I think that’s a really fair point - you just never know who you’ll click with - I know we looked at every profile sent our way regardless of whether they children met our “imagined” ideal.

I agree with both of you, in a sense. I am most definitely not closed to the idea of adopting a wee lad, but I am in a position where only a single child can be taken into my family.

I would never turn away or shy away from screening boys, but I agree with you both that, even with the best intentions, there is often a preference for one gender over the other.

Pregnancy offers no choice in gender, but we do have a choice... so I believe through learning, conversation, and personality the right choice male or female will make itself known. I will, after all is said and done, have to roll with things and see what comes. I am so early in the process that there is plenty of time to adapt and overcome my predisposition towards a wee lass.

Thanks again for your messages.

@Joyboy8417 hi, I'm an adopter and birth mum, I've got a 9 year old adopted boy and 15 year old birth daughter.

You don't need to answer anything from me but I am curious why you want to adopt now rather than get married/meet a partner and have a baby that way.

Just in case you detect any 'gender bias' in my question I asked the same thing of another adopter on here very recently who is female so I am just curious. You will be asked all this anyway, and also about how you feel about not having a biological link to the child etc but again you really do not need to answer and feel free to ask me anything.

PS I thought I wanted to adopt a girl, watched something about adoption (documentary, will try and remember what), which featured boys at 'adoption parities' ... and ended up adopting a boy!

I am always happy to answer questions and it is one that often comes up. And before you say “you’re still young, you never know”. I am not interested in a relationship or having my own kids. I made the decision at 18 to make it so that I cannot have my own kids. I have wanted to adopt, if I was ever in a position to, since the age of 18. I have had my share of heartbreak and have not been treated very well and so I have quite a hard exterior towards adults, keeping them well beyond an arms length, unless of relation to me, i.e. family.

Instead I chose career, education and life experience over relationships and so I am not in a position and at an age where I would like to raise, nurture, and give positive and inspiring life experiences to one who, possibly, won’t have the chance at the same... not to say foster carers are not able to provide the same experiences, please don’t get me wrong.

I hope that answers your question. Now, to the latter of your message, your question in no way is ‘gender bias’. You have the right to ask and if I was shy, I shouldn’t post on a public forum.. right!? Haha

Biological links to children, although irreplaceable, can be established with a child through a nurturing and caring environment. Given that they are not our children, there will always be a sense of detachment from the child to the parent and visa versa but it is that sense of ‘detachment’ that can be utilised to gain a sense of environment and understanding with the child that you are their parent, not just their carer.. a sense of belonging, for lack of better terminology.

This would bring in the conversation of nature vs nurture, which is a highly debatable subject by all who dive into it, but it is the belief in that you can influence and alter a child’s perception, through the nurturing influence of a parent, that they are loved and part of a united group (family) and create lasting and unconditional bonds with an adoptive child.

Does that make sense?

Should say I'm in a position and at an age* sorry all, I promise I do read before I send these messages haha

I know a bloke who adopted on his own, I imagine it's uncommon but not rare. You will get 'negative nellies' (arseholes) who think men can't be parents alone, but all adoptive parents meet an arsehole of some variety at some point.

I just remember him saying they'd had to learn to style long hair.

This is the worst thing about having girls. If I weren't too scared of DW, mine would both have shaved heads :-)

I don't really get the preference of a particular sex, you can't pick if you grow your own. That said matching is a very personal thing and you need to be really clear on what you do and don't want. That applies double about how much difficulty you want to take on (though there are no certainties).

Having kids is great (and so fucking tiring), best of luck.

there will always be a sense of detachment from the child to the parent and visa versa

I really don't think that's true at all. It has not been my experience of either adopting or being adopted.