Aggression towards partner

[Nenora]

Hi all,

We are a week into a placement with a 3yr old DS. He is really loving, well mannered child. He was hitting and biting a lot when he first came but within the week we have managed to reduce this to almost nothing.

Over the past few days DS has started to go from being affectionate with my DW to angry and rejecting within seconds and then back again. Its very confusing.

We are unsure how to handle this? It is causing me a lot of anxiety as I feel guilty and slightly angry (although I know and understand he is going through turmoil) at DS when he is rejective to DW.

Any advice?

Thank you.

All the books we have read and advice from SW during the adoption process prepared us for that behaviour as completely normal. Stick to your routines, maintain same boundaries and keep building the attachment and it will get better. Best of luck!

Thank you for your reply. We were never really told this. More of our own research.

We are unsure how to handle the angry parts. Does my DW handle it, do I handle it? How do we handle it?

I echo that we were never told about the aggressive behaviour. My son had been with us a few weeks when he swung for me in the school playground. (He was also 3). I was taken aback and spoke to his Sw who said she was surprised and didn’t know where it came from. No mention of grief or trauma.

In terms of the violence, it is so hard to watch. My son is only violent towards me and my daughter. On the rare occasion my husband has been about ive been so grateful for his support and he has taken over to allow me a rest. Take your lead from your wife. She will let you know when she needs you. Talk about it afterwards with a cup of tea (and let the wee man play. It’s important your wife has the chance to de-stress afterwards.) if she needs time alone try give it to her. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

In terms of your feelings around rejection, remember it is still very early and keep telling yourself that. I’ve no good advice but I can hear your frustrations. Walk away if you need to. That’s better than intervening because of anger.

Hope this helps and just a splattering of thoughts.

I've not had this, as a single parent! But advice I have read is to support the idea that everyone in the family is kind to each other. So, if DS gets aggressive don't step in physically, but say 'let's be nice to Mum, gentle hands' (or whatever phrase you use), and when DS is being affectionate again encourage him to give DW a hug to make up for it. If he doesn't want to, give DW a hug yourself.

If you step in then he is learning that a) DW can't cope with his behaviour, which will make him even more insecure and therefore act out with her, and b) that he can control the relationships and split the two of you.

Lots of reassurance and support to your DW (in whatever ways are helpful to her) about her value as a parent - it can be very undermining to be the rejected parent, and difficult to keep being warm and open when you end up as a target. But DS is acting this way because of his fears and needs, and in a way 'needs' her to respond positively more than he needs you at the moment.

Just to add, when I say 'don't step in', I mean at that moment. Of course have some one-to-one times with DS to give DW a break.

One week is very very early days, to be honest I’d fully expect this in a child of that age - they’ll be absolutely terrified and fully in fight or flight. I’d be creating lots of safe space for him, not focussing on managing behaviours or family routine too much but diverting him away from physical violence - finding lots of ways for him to physically release energy and offering lots of reassurance. You may find that he feels your DP is the safer of the two of you hence him directing the behaviour at her. When you say you’ve managed to stop the biting and hitting how have you done that? What strategies have you used?

You may find that he feels your DP is the safer of the two of you hence him directing the behaviour at her.

To clarify this further, he’ll be testing his relationships to the max just now - and will do that with the person he’s most sure of because he needs to know she won’t reject him even if he rejects her.

This sounds normal, he's in survival mode and has gone into fight. It's very early days and you will see lots of different and sometimes difficult behaviours as he comes to terms with everything he's gone through.

Are you on Facebook? If you aren't already I would recommend joining the therapeutic parenting group the free page run by NATP. I was on there earlier, reading a post similar to this and the OP was getting lots of support.

Do you use PACE? Playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy.