When to take the plunge!

[ohheyblue]

Hello folks! I've been reading a lot of threads on here lately as I've been thinking more seriously about applying to adopt.

A brief background - I'm almost 34, single, I work full time, live in a rented house. I have never wanted biological kids and don't know/care if I can have them (I do have a condition which might mean I can't) as I have wanted to start a family through adoption for as long as I've known I want to be a mum.

My question I suppose is whether there is a right time to start the process? I have recently moved for work and don't have a lot of friends in the area I now live in, so worry that my support network would be seen as too limited? I am close with family but they live about 2 hours away. I'd hope that renting wouldn't be an issue - has anyone adopted while in rented accommodation? My only other worry is financial (like a lot of single people I guess!) as I would need to work after taking initial adoption leave.

My preference would be for school age kids (ideally 6 - 12 years old) and possibly siblings.

Any thoughts? Am I crazy for wanting siblings as a single adopter? I do have a huge amount of experience working with kids so feel I could handle it. Should I wait a few years and have more money saved?! So many questions!!! Sorry for the long message and thanks to anyone who replies!

Hi! I don’t know if there’s ever a ‘right’ time to adopt - similar to if there’s a right time to have kids biologically! For us, the support network thing was a biggie, so I’d make sure that you have some strong networks close by as they’ll definitely look to make sure you have the right levels of support easily accessible. Other than that, I wouldn’t suggest money would be a particularly big thing - we had minimal savings but then I suppose there is 2 of us, not just one. I think the best thing to do would be to speak to an agency or two about your situation and see what they suggest - if you need to make a change or two, do it and then try once you have! Good luck!

Thanks @Dadoptor123, you're probably right about there never being a right time!

During the process did they talk to your support network? I am starting to make friends at this new job but I think it will be a while before any of them know me well enough to want to help with adopted kids... perhaps this is the most compelling reason to wait...

They spoke to our references during the process, but to support the report being put together for matching panel we had a support network meeting round at our house with various members of our network, and the Social workers. They basically asked our network how they would be able to help us in a range of situations. It was a little overkill if you ask me, but it was definitely important to them to see that the support network we had told them about actually existed!!

If you contact your LA they'll invite you along to an info session. That will give you more info to ponder, and you can have a chat with a SW too. You can then proceed or decide to wait to apply for a year or 5.

Just one point re your age range. Very few children come up for adoption above the age of 8, and there are very good reasons for that.

Renting shouldn't be a problem as long as you have a reasonably secure/long term tenancy

Support network is important, particularly for singlys but it doesnt have to be huge, just reliable. Do some scenario planning - what would if you fell over and broke your leg, or rather less dramatically just had a really stinking cold. Who is there to do a school run, get some shopping in for you. Who could pick up from school if you got stuck in traffic or on a train. What about a snow day but you had to get into work.
I've been very lucky, I had no more than the odd sniffle for five years, but by this time my son was in secondary, travelling to school independently, could use the microwave and do a very basic shop, This year though I had to have surgery and needed help from friends and my parents to stay for several days.
Most adopters will tell you that their support network changes when you actually have a child, you meet other parents, make new friends. My supprt is much better now but you will need strong support around you. Emotional support is as important as practical support.
I know a number of single adopters with more than one child, but its incredibly hard work, just the sheer practicalities of of wrangling more than one child, let alone dealing with any additional needs. Can you actually afford it? Think ahead to the teen years, children are classed as 'adults' for many things from the age of 12. My son is 15 and is in adult sized mens clothes. It gets expensive.
Even with school age children you can't escape childcare. There are 13 weeks school holiday, plus teacher training days, random snow days etc. I've probably paid out £1000 a year on holiday clubs.
Next door to me is a family with three children, both parents working in good jobs. My son gets to do a lot more than the kids next door do, simply because there is just him, even though I have less income. I'm not just talking about big exciting things, little things like an ice cream in the park, a drink in the coffee shop after swimming lessons.
Savings ? setting aside how you cover adoption leave, well its nice to have a bit of a buffer, but unless you are talking a significant amount such as a year's salary, I think its more important to have secure and stable day to day finances

We adopted siblings (5 and 2) and whilst I love them to bits I NEVER could have had these two on my own.
Feel free to pm any questions.

@ohheyblue in one sense there is never a good time to have kids but there are significant differences with adoption and having birth kids. Because fertility drops off at a certain point there is a kind of biological imperative for having a baby. If you are adopting you do not have that. However, the older you get I guess the more worn out you get!

My question would be about support network, how do you plan to build this up?

My other question would be about finances, how are you going to build up some money so you haves something to fall back on.

Adopting when you are renting is not an issue for adoption agencies if your renting is secure but I am curious why you have not tried to buy yet.

If you were thinking of buying at some point in the future I wonder if it would be better to bite the bullet now and get a property because then you would not be moving in the future and also you would be paying into your own place. It's my understanding that rent is usually more than a mortgage and so if you did buy in the long run it could be cheaper.

In your shoes I'd probably get on the adoption agencies/adoption county council radar now and attend some open evenings/open days but also start super saving your finances. Maybe get a bit of weekend work or a job one night a week or something to make some new contacts locally and a bit of extra cash because when the child/children come along you won't be able to do things like that.

I've got two kids, one adopted and one a birth child on the spectrum. Both quite a lot of work. I cannot imagine parenting both alone.

Can I ask a personal question, feel free to ignore me? You are only 33 are you happy being single and are you OK with that not changing? I am only asking because to me 33 seems very young. I met my dh at 33 (through a dating agency) and had a baby at 39 and adopted in my late 40s. During all our adoption prep only one or two couples were in their 30s so 33/34 is quite young in adoption circles (generally).

Anyway, all the best of luck, I really hope things will fall into place. Stick around because these boards are very helpful.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders I think the next step is to talk to LA and see what they think!

@Ted27 thanks for such a long reply! In terms of if I fell over a broke my leg etc, then I know my family would be there immediately to help. I wouldnt expect friends to take on long term helping like that. While I'm making friends at work, I couldn't rely on these friends to do the school run if I got held up as they would still be at work!! I think this is where your support network changing when you meet other parents comes in. It's tough to have the support of other parents before you have kids... vicious circle! I take on board what you said about school holidays. My job is pretty flexible, so I wouldn't need full time childcare, but it would certainly be necessary some days I'm sure.

@ac73 - thank you!

@Italiangreyhound I'm definitely working on making friends, but like all good things, this comes with time.

I haven't bought a property as buying in London is ridiculously expensive and I can't afford to buy what I can afford to rent. The deposit alone would be insane and I'd rather use the money for other things (like adoption leave!). I may at some point buy an investment property outside the city, but for now I'm ok renting long term.

I do have money saved, I suppose I could always have more, but isn't that always the way?!

I'm about to turn 34. You say that seems very young, but if I was pregnant now, would you feel the same? Do you think 34 is too young to be a biological parent? Let's say I can't have biological kids (which as I've stated is absolutely a possibility), does that mean I need to wait until I'm a lot older when people my age who could get pregnant don't have to? I'm not entirely sure I understand your point about my age! Sorry if I'm misunderstanding! If I had been trying to conceive for 6 years and was now turning to adoption at 34, would that make a difference?

With regards to being single, I am absolutely fine on my own. Perhaps I just haven't found the right person... but I can live with that. I can't live with not being a parent so it doesn't feel like a tough choice to me. I do get that I don't have the biological clock ticking... but I am ready to be a mum. I am great with kids, and I've dealt with everything from severe learning difficulties to traumas to long term medical conditions and an awful lot in between. I think I have a lot to offer... or I guess I hope I do!

I will definitely stick around, there is no better place to learn than from you guys who have been through it!

Thanks to you all for replying, really appreciate all the advice!

Don’t worry too much about age - I’m 33 and my wife is 28 and we’ve just adopted.

"It's tough to have the support of other parents before you have kids... vicious circle!" Yes, it is. One way that migt help is if you were asked to get child care experience (some people are) and you volunteered with a group the age of the child/ren you may want to adopt. E.G. Help with Scouts or Rainbows etc and adopt a four or five year old. You'd get to know local parents through the group.

"I'm about to turn 34. You say that seems very young, but if I was pregnant now, would you feel the same?"

No, definitely not. As I said before, adoption is something you can do at a variety of ages, having a birth child for women is more time limited (unless using donor eggs). Of course for men it matters much less.

"...does that mean I need to wait until I'm a lot older when people my age who could get pregnant don't have to? I'm not entirely sure I understand your point about my age!"

My point is that your thread is "When to take the plunge!" And I said "If you are adopting you do not have that (speed requirement with giving birth). However, the older you get I guess the more worn out you get!"

If you were asking about getting pregnant I would say do not delay.

"Sorry if I'm misunderstanding! If I had been trying to conceive for 6 years and was now turning to adoption at 34, would that make a difference?"

I guess what I was trying to say is you can choose the time, so if you wanted to spend time saving up or building your network, you have time. That is all. If you had been trying to get pregnant for six months you may feel in a different place, or you may not, only you know if you are ready to start this journey so in one sense we cannot really tell you but we can tell you things that are different about adoption because that is what we have experienced. I hope that makes sense.

I wasn't making a dig at your age, I was saying you are young in adoption circles in my limited experience.

"I can't live with not being a parent so it doesn't feel like a tough choice to me. I do get that I don't have the biological clock ticking... " It's OK, I think we all know how it feels because I was determined I wanted to be a mum, whether I got married or not.

"I am great with kids, and I've dealt with everything from severe learning difficulties to traumas to long term medical conditions and an awful lot in between. I think I have a lot to offer." It sounds like you do.

So maybe the question should be why is no now to the time, and if you cannot think of a reason then now is the time!!

So maybe the question should be why is now not the time...

And if you cannot find a reason then now is the time!

(Sorry I am dyslexic and I type fast and sometimes forget to check!!)

Part of having a support network is to show that you can create a support network. It doesn't particularly matter if you then make a whole new one after having children.

Occasionally people post on MN who appear to have no support network and who then turn down all ideas of how they could create one. It is these people I think that the SW are trying to weed out.
(e.g. my 3 yo is ill so I can't get my 11yo to school even though it is SATs week. No I couldn't possibly ask next door neighbour to mind her for 10 mins, no I couldn't ask another parent to take her, no I won't let her teacher collect her, I can manage fine on my own!)

We went into adoption thinking siblings and older. Our very experienced social worker blew these idealistic views out the window and told us one at a time and under 3!
We were in our late 30’s at the time.
We had a good support network and each other as support both financially and with childcare. We had very flexible working too.
Our child is thriving at present. We are 7 years in, we don’t do childcare, no one but us pick up and drop off at school and we feel that this is why he is so secure and settled.
I am also very experienced with children (teacher) but nothing prepares you for being a parent.
I’d say you do need a strong even if select support network, have saved a fair amount and have a secure home situation.
I would suggest wait, if you could buy a home that would be amazing and set aside at least a year - 18 months outgoings to afford yourself time at home. You will reap the rewards in time.

Talk to your local council adoption team. They can really help. Older can mean more problems but not always.