1 week in, AS won’t sleep in cot and fights sleep

[Dadoptor123]

Hi all, bit of a flier here but I’m hoping someone can help as my wife and I are running on empty!

We took placement a week ago of a lovely little boy (11 months) and while he’s really good most of the time, sleep is causing some real issues. Firstly, he fights sleep like you wouldn’t believe - it’s a real pain to get him to sleep, whether it’s naps or bedtime. We’ve got a routine in place for bedtime (bath, change, cuddles, bed) but at nap times he just keeps kicking his legs and stopping himself from dropping off making him super tired and grumpy.

Also, while we do eventually get him off to sleep at bedtime in his cot, he always wakes up at about midnight for a bottle and then will not settle back in his cot, whatever we try. We’ve been settling him in our bed after a couple of hours just so he’ll get some sleep, but it means my wife and I aren’t sleeping very well at all.

Has anyone else had any experience of something similar, and if so, how did you overcome it? Any suggestions would be really appreciated!

Hello! My disclaimer is that I’m not an adopter but mum of a non sleeper and hoping to adopt so hang around these boards and reading up about attachment!

I may be way off here but I’d be thinking of him like a newborn at this stage. Everything he has ever known has been turned upside down and everything is different.
On some level perhaps there’s a worry about closing his eyes and sleeping incase you aren’t there?

When DS was newborn, all he ever wanted to do was sleep on us. That was reaaalllyyy hard but he needed that closeness and I wonder if your DS does too?
Can you try a cosleeping crib so you get kore sleep but he is next to you? Rock him to sleep with a bottle?

You are so early days in. I would do as much as I could to be close with him so he knows you are both there and starts to bond closely.

You are new parents, pick your battles so you can do nothing but focus on the little one. Get a sling for during the day so he is close with you where possible. Get people to make you freezer meals so you don’t need to worry about cooking.
Sleep in with him rubbing his back/tummy until he falls asleep.

Like I said I might be way off the mark and you may have already tried all this or it maybe totally not what is needed!

Either way congratulations on your new little one ❤️

Oh and don’t underestimate the power of the nose stroke!!

Difficult age, know doubt will be experiencing separation and loss. Have too look at areas he will be experiencing smell of his clothes if new and bedding, touch of unfamiliar fabrics, baby grows, may notice unfamiliar sound's , excessive light , new toys unfamiliar with list goes on. All will be hit and miss in early days but will get better as he becomes more secure as his self esteem grows. Wish you all the best

Sympathies, this is so so hard - but not at all uncommon. I would keep on with the nurture, consistency and cuddles because this is most likely fear, and it's going to take time to build trust so he'll sleep. We are so vulnerable when we sleep, subconsciously we fight sleep when we're scared or worried.

You can add things like wrapping the t-shirt you've worn all day around the cot mattress so they have your smell when they're sleeping, checking with foster carers about any bedtime nursery rhymes they used, or washing powder so you can use the same etc.

But overall this is a matter of continuity, repetition, and time. Can you and your partner take turns to give each other rest?

Thanks all.

@FlatheadScrewdriver - we have started taking turns this morning, after he got up I looked after him for a couple of hours while she got some sleep and then she did the same for me. I like the T-shirt idea so will give that a go - we’re already using same washing powder and routines as foster parents so we’re doing what we can to keep consistency.

@Mooey89 - like the idea of the bedside cot - I’ve just gone out and got one. It makes sense that he should be better as he does go pretty much straight down when we put him in our bed.

Good luck for bedtime!

My eldest was like this. She absolutely fought sleep, scratched at herself and me to stay awake, hated being held to try to get to sleep etc. She had big attachment problems and could not stand being held/rocked to try to get her to sleep. She was also 10-11 months old. I won't lie and say it was easy to 'fix'. She would wake multiple times a night and basically stopped napping the day she came into my care. I always believed that she was scared to sleep in case everything changed again before she woke - she didn't trust. I wanted to do all the bed time cuddles to help bonding and build trust but it was too much too soon for DD so in the end I accepted that the best thing for her was to put her in the cot and like quietly on the floor or bed next to her as she went to sleep. I kept her cot next to my bed so i could reach through to her when she woke. Maybe for a while you and your wife can take turns sleeping in the room with him whilst the other gets a good nights sleep? Maybe shift his bed time a bit later for now (and the final bottle too) so that he sleeps longer through the night. He is probably very overstimulated by all the changes and that will also make it hard to sleep, so keep his world as small as you can for the next few weeks. It took about 6 months for my eldest to really settle to sleep well but it will happen for him sooner or later. Good luck.

Sounds like he’s scared of being by himself which after being removed from all he knows is very normal. I’d have him in the bed personally if he will settle there but if not set up a bed in his room so you can sleep alongside.
At 11 months he might be a bit big for the beside sleeper cots.

Better you brand sleepy magnesium cream really helped our LO who used to struggle with restless legs at night

We are just coming out of the other side of this - our baby was 7 months, previously good sleeper but couldn’t settle, kicked legs down as you mentioned and would need bottles through the night. It left us utterly drained and stressed. We did the following:-

• took it in turns to sleep / nap so we could catch up whenever we had a window of opportunity (even to the point of one of us booked into a local cheap premier inn for a night to replenish depleted batteries!)
• we were really stressed and I think we were communicating that so we tried to just de stress our bedtime routine. After a warm bath we would get him ready for bed then let him play on the bedroom floor surrounded by pillows so we could just lounge next to him and with the cot mobile playing. Once he got a big bored/restless we would tell him “time for sleep” then pop him in the cot.
• we would sit alongside the cot but try not to engage and slowly moved away towards the door
• watered the milk down gradually to water only then removed the bottle
• at the same time we increased other sensory items to replace the comfort from the bottle using a musical toy and a specific soft blanket into his hand
• gentle stroke of his face/nose/eyebrows seemed to help

I honestly think the biggest change was him settling and starting to feel safe again - it has taken us 4 months but he now sleeps through till around 5am which is a massive change to where we were.

Keep going, it will get better.

It sounds like he's too scared to go to sleep and now he's so over tired he can't do it. Rethink nap time and forget about the cot. Instead either take him for a walk until he falls asleep and leave him in his chair until he wakes or take him for a drive until he falls asleep in the car and then either he naps on you or you pop him in the cot.

Our LO was a year old when she came home.

We ended doing the drive to sleep. We'd go out somewhere every morning and then I'd drive round until she fell asleep and she'd sleep on my chest.

For his night time consistency is key in terms of time as well as routine. I found she started to sleep better when we got up at the same time every single day. It didn't matter what time she went to sleep, the alarm went off and we got up. We also had a strong morning routine to back it up.

2 purchases to consider are a gro glow clock and a cot side. We used the phrase I'll see you in the morning when you're clock turns yellow with the sun that at one point she said it to all her toys as part of her play. We also bought the tallest cot side we could find for our bed that way when she came in with me (hubby went and slept downstairs on the sofa at this point). It meant I could lie slightly diagonally on one side of the bed so she couldn't go too far that way without waking me up and the cot side would mean she couldn't fall of the bed on her side.

Hi all, thanks for all of your tips and comments on this one - if nothing else it’s comforting to see other people have had the same issue and have overcome it, albeit with hard work!

Wanted to give everyone a bit of an update - we’ve got a cot now set up in our bedroom which seems to be helping a little. He’s dropping off, and while he’s still waking up every couple of hours after an initial sleep of about 3-4 hours, he’s much quicker to drop back off again as we can comfort him more easily, and being in our room we’re keeping everything much more calm and getting a bit more sleep! Not quite sure how we’ll transition back into his own room, but we’re picking our battles at this early stage!

Lots of hard work to do, but your comments and tips have helped a lot so thank you!

I'm glad you're making some progress. When he is ready to go back to his own room, he'll let you know :) For some it will be weeks or months but for others it could be a few years before he feels really secure. If the budget springs to an extra cot you could try in a few weeks having a second cot in his room for day time naps and just sit with him whilst he naps so you are there when he wakes. If he is sleeping better it will help him as well as you. Lots of people find that 6 months home or being home with you longer than they were in other placements is a bit of a milestone for security. Both of my girls slept in with me until well into toddler years.

Also one quick trick we have found with our little one after they were placed is to not underestimate the use of weight. She likes to kick around but if we place hands on her to create a comfort type weight she drops off quite quickly- the same as if we put quite a heavy wool blanket on her. I think it feels like you are there so they feel a little more comforted and helps to then not pick up out of crib which can lead to not putting them down easily!

Mine, several years in still sleeps with me and won't settle unless i lie with them.
I panicked at first, then i sat and thought about it; 12 hours on their own is a long time for a baby/child, but that's what we are expecting them to do. I then decided that co sleeping was much kinder, less frightening and more settling for the child.

Seems like your doing all the right things, another tip is Cherry juice a couple of hours before bed, it will help with sleep, you can get it in Holland and barrets, it's expensive but works wonders!

My birth son was(and is!) a non sleeper too. Some children are good at sleep, some just aren’t. The cot was a waste of money for us.

I tried all the various books methods (except cry it out). They didn’t help and just caused distress to all of us. In the end I gave up trying to ‘fix’ him and instead I shared a double mattress on the floor with him until he was three, at which point I negotiated my exit from his room (much to his wrath).

It sucked. It is very very common, most of my friends have this issue with one of their kids. It just isn’t natural to sleep alone. 🤷‍♀️

Once you have got your dc used to sleeping with you and waking up and finding you still there, it may be easier. My top tips:

• for nap, go for a walk with them in pram/on your chest in baby carrier while you sing nursery rhymes, the movement will help them drift off - and you can turn off while walking once they are asleep which is good for you. Put them in a warm all in one for this weather
• for night I would add reading to them to your routine at this age, the sound of your voice is reassuring plus it is the right age to get read to, plus try a baby sleeping bag for cosiness
• you could put on some soft music in the room to help them relax, some nursery rhyme CDs are softer and more melodious than others
• they are more likely to drift off if you are drifting off in the same room - I used to have side of cot down with my arm around them 'til they dropped off at this age
• car - warm, music on, movement

I would co-sleep, lying down with him until he falls asleep (even if this takes quite some time) and sneaking off once he's asleep. Then I'd do the same at bedtime, either letting him start the night in my bed, or settling him in his own cot or toddler bed next to my bed, and bringing him into my bed when he wakes up at midnight. After a while you do get used to the cosleeping, and it doesn't interrupt your sleep anywhere near as much as getting out of bed and giving bottles etc does. Plus the snuggles are lovely.