Letterbox Question

[Kinsellahicks]

I’d really appreciate your thoughts on our letterbox situation. DS has been with us nearly two years and was with Foster Carer (who we still see regularly) from
birth.
Due to there being no Letterbox co-ordinator in place in our local authority there has been no letterbox contact from either side. We have now had contact from the co-ordinator asking for letters to start next year.
DS has half siblings who are in long term foster care (or were when we adopted him.)
We had originally agreed to write to BM and all half siblings.
I understand all the good reasons behind letterbox particularly when a child has lived with/knows their birth family.
My DS didn’t live with birth family. I have kept a close relationship with his FC as I feel that this is the most important relationship gap right now - if that makes sense.
Would we be wrong not to start letterbox, as so much time has passed and LO has never really had much direct link to birth family?
Obviously when they are a bit older we will bring in the wider story but for now LO knows they are adopted and lived with FC before coming to us.
My instincts tell me we are doing the right thing for DS particular circumstances but I know how focused SW’s were on letterbox (although that obviously wasn’t translated into funding a co-ordinator) so I want to make sure if we don’t write that this isn’t the wrong thing to do.
Your thoughts would be appreciated.

I think, ( and I don't know the full story), iy would be very cruel not to write to birth parents to let them know your child was safe/well. It must be horrendously hurtful yo have no communication regarding how the child is.

I think you have to do what's right. Is the BPs willing to write?
I am inclined to think that its inappropriate to say it's cruel if they choose not to write. Even though as a birth parent I would feel gutted if they weren't willing to write back.

@darkriver19886

Thank you for your response. I’m not sure if she is or not as there has been no contact for almost two years. As far as I’m aware she hasn’t made contact with SW but I’m not sure if that information would be shared with us. Half siblings are in multiple foster settings.
If she wrote I would most definitely write back but I think (from what letterbox co-ordinator said) the first letter will be from us.

@Sootyandsweep2019 I’m not sure if you have experience of adoption or not but we are far from cruel. As with all adoptions the situation is complex.
If I’m brutally honest my main priority is not birth family but my DS who I just want to do the best for so the decision to write or not is about his best interest/needs.

I think if letterbox has started when he left FC it would have been much easier but a lot of time has passed.

To would write, not for the benefit necessarily of birth mum but because there will come a time when your DS will want to know about his birth family and you’ll be able to let him know his birth family knew about how he was doing, regardless of whether they write back. It’s not about whether he knows them or has a relationship with them now, the benefit comes down the line when he wants to fill that relationship gap.

You can choose what to put in the letter - mine are quite light and chatty and birth mum doesn’t write back but my DC will be able to see all of the copies of letters I sent to her in an effort to respect the connection she has to them and our family.

I agree with @jellycatspyjamas and see it as doing it for your DC. The BP's of our DC's have never written back and we have issues of our own with contact with their siblings but we never want to be in a position in the future where they can say we stopped any contact between them.

We write quite a general letter with vague details of hobbies, subjects they like in school etc for BP's and then adapt it slightly for each sibling with a question or two about their hobbies/favourite song etc. I save a copy of each and also print a copy to store alongside the receipt for postage and a photo of the birthday and Christmas cards we have sent.

Obviously birth family aren't your priority but it may really help your DC in the future to know it was done, whether you get replies or not.

If you agreed to do letterbox contact as part of your adoption process then I feel morally you should follow through now you have the opportunity. SWs are focused on letterbox contact because lots of research has been done around contact and shows that it is positive for adopted children in helping them to come to terms with their identity. Letterbox contact provides an opportunity to ask questions about birth family that no one else can answer. Some families have found that when unexpected medical issues with a genetic component have arisen, the fact that they have already built up a relationship with birth family makes it easier to discuss with them.

Everything to do with your child's adoption is recorded on a file that the can access when they turn 18. This includes a copy of any contact agreements and all letters sent because of that agreement. If your child accesses their file and sees you haven't done them they will want to know why. Also birth family could use the fact that you've never sent a letter to justify never sending any themselves.

If you look at the thread called any birth parents want to talk and support each other you can read a discussion between 2 birth parents about exactly what their letterbox contact means to them.

Don't get me wrong, I do understand where you're coming from. My LO was removed at birth and had minimal contact with birth family before they came to us. Letterbox contact feels false and invasive. My LO is too young to have an opinion on it but I know that many older children object to sharing details of their lives with people who are now strangers and who could not keep them safe. Indeed Rosie Jeffries of NATP wrote a powerful piece about who contact for fostered children can essentially be a state sanctioned continuation of abuse. However, I signed an agreement saying I would send a letter every year until my LO turns 18 and I will do this regardless even if all I can write is that my LO is still alive and well because they no longer want to share more intimate details of their lives.

I would ask, what's the harm in writing? I don't see why you wouldn't at least give it a go. My DDs don't engage much with letterbox these days, but I think they still like to know contact is happening, and we have received some useful medical info through it too. I also think it will help as and when they want to meet when older.

Thanks for all the responses. @UnderTheNameOfSanders DS currently has no comprehension/knowledge of birth family so wouldn’t currently be aware of any contact. Although I understand he may ask later in life.
I am also a bit concerned about writing to the half siblings as they are currently in multiple FC settings and are still in contact with their BF.
I’m thinking that I’ll send the first one to BM next year and we’ll go from there.
As I said before DS has a very close relationship with FC so I fully understand the importance of keeping past relationships. I find it hard sometimes to know whether SW are right in their response as I’ve found them to be very blanket and as we know adoption is about individual children and their circumstances.
Thank you for all your input.

@ifchocolatewerecelery Thank you for that article. Very interesting perspective. Whilst I understand that contact for many children with birth family is important every child is an individual with their own needs.
Sometimes I do feel SW forget this and you end up with parroted opinions.
They advised me against keeping contact with FC, which felt really wrong. We have kept contact and it was completely the right thing for my DS. His face when he sees them, even now, is something I’d never wanted to have deprived him of.

Don't give any info to siblings that you aren't happy for BM to know.
We don't have siblings to write to, but I would have though you type a letter to BM and then tweak it for the siblings if needed. So basically the same letter not 4 different ones.

Would we be wrong not to start letterbox, as so much time has passed and LO has never really had much direct link to birth family?

Our two have a similar start to yours. Like everyone else, I would strongly encourage you to write.

I'm adopted and would very much have liked more information about my birth family and perhaps the chance to get in touch with siblings. That does not in any way detract from my relationship with my real parents, it is more about curiosity and identity than anything else.

If you agreed to do letterbox contact as part of your adoption process then I feel morally you should follow through now you have the opportunity.

I think the reasons given for writing by chocolate and others are spot on, but I slightly disagree with this bit. Ultimately the choice is yours about what is best for your family.

As Sanders said I would do one letter a year, without photos or pictures from you. Assume anything shared with FC siblings will get to BPs. I would not share with your children that contact occurs until they are much older and able to understand and process the issues. Be prepared that BPs often don't reply. There is a really difficulty balance about when and how much control they get over the process without it upsetting them- no one can tell you how to do that, it's about your family.

I would keep throwing in little drips about adoption, so you can be open if they have questions and they have a general sense of it, but try to keep life story discussion low stakes and normalised, even if it doesn't feel like that to you.