Unsure over latest letterbox contact

[AnotherCrappyDay]

We received letterbox contact from one of our DC's older siblings (in long term FC) yesterday, Christmas and birthday cards for the year and a letter.
Although it is addressed to all, the letter only mentions one of our DC'S throughout which will definitely be picked up on by our middle child.

However the cards have really thrown me. They've used moonpig to make their own again, which is lovely, but where last year we received them with one up to date photo on each card of the sibling, this year each card is a collage of birth family photos including birth parents. It's just really thrown me, and I know it will cause very different reactions to our DCs.

We have photos of the siblings around the house and the children have pictures of their birth parents in their life story books so i'm not sure why this has got to me as much as it has. I guess what I'm wondering is if others would be okay with this?

Wow that would really throw me too & I wouldn't be ok with it at all.

I think in your position I would be contacting the letterbox coordinator for a discussion/meeting to develop and maintain appropriate boundaries for the wellbeing of all of the children involved, particularly the one in long term foster care. It's all so hard sometimes balancing everyone's needs.

We've had the co-ordinator raise similar with us about our latest contact. We've decided that we'd prefer to have the photos in their memory boxes rather than not receive any so will just put the stuff the children aren't ready for away in their memory boxes until they are. If it's the foster carers who do the cards then I think i'd ask the coordinator to speak to the foster carer about making the cards just have the children on and sending any family type photos separately.

What is the exact issue with the children seeing photos of their shared parents? I'm a bit confused.. isn't that to be encouraged?

(Social worker hat)

Purple frames - to be honest we hadn't really thought of it as an issue ourselves and asked that anything that is sent is sent on. In our case there were some quite emotional things written in cards that our children might not be able to make sense of yet being under 5. In terms of pictures we were told that other families had had difficulties with family pictures being sent - I'm guessing because it can be hard for children to make sense of why their birth parents have been able to make changes for subsequent children that they weren't able to make in time for them or for those children who have lived through traumatic experiences they might worry about the experiences another sibling is having.

Because birthdays and Christmas are meant to be happy times. Would you like to be blindsided with photos of people about whom you have very complicated feelings on a special, joyful occasion? Photos of birth parents are great to have, but not like that.

Hi other purple! @Purple1314 I totally understand what you mean about subsequent children I didn't take that from the op.

I think perhaps it easy to overthink and underestimate children. For example I know people who put photos in a card which included a relative that had passed away. To me that was awful but for the recipient it was a happy reminder of good times before the bereavement. So it's each to their own..

On a totally different angle-

I have a family member who is adopted - it's open but there has never been contact either way- and I know that they'd love to know things even as basic as the full name of their parents.

I'm not sure @PurpleFrames I think it's because it feels a bit like, "look at what you're missing by not being with us"
It's hard to explain to our DC why they have no face to face contact (LA decision) if they've got pictures of their siblings still having contact with each other and BPs

Oh wow @AnotherCrappyDay I'm sorry I totally get where you are coming from now. How bizarre to almost exclude some siblings.. that seems very cruel :(

I used to keep letters and cards with new photos, some with new siblings, until after Christmas and then showed them to my children. For us it has always brought up conversations and feelings, but each conversation has helped them to understand the situation better. I was always grateful to the family for sending new pictures, so that my children don't feel completely cut off from their past. Unfortunately they no longer do.

We once got a letter which mentioned one child much more than the other. I edited that letter and told my children that I was reading them an edited version, because I felt the other was inappropriate. They were fine with that.

We have had a few conversations about being with the birth mum and that while the siblings can be with the birth family, they don't have the same level of safety, support and opportunities as my children. It is complicated and my children understood that from an early age.

You should be able to have direct contact once your children are adopted. They are legally yours and you make the decisions.