Post placement blues

[DLouise2004]

Hi I just wanted to hear peoples stories - we are 17 weeks into a placement of two children under 2 years old and I still feel like I am struggling. We have really good days but then we have really hard days. I know the majority is the nature of having two so small with different needs but I do also feel like I am so hot headed, impatient and frustrated - particularly with the eldest who can be a little challenging. I am so exhausted and just feel so unlike me. I do feel like I miss the old me and my work life/life pre kids which I know is awful. Please tell me this is a little normal? Am feeling a little down about it and like I am failing all of us at the moment.

It's completely normal! I adopted 2 (age 1 and 2) and it was (and still often is!) such hard work. I was so frustrated and lost my temper over silly things, I wish I had had therapy when I look back. I look back and see two terrified babies but when I was in the trenches I struggled to see the wood for the trees. I wasn't the mum I thought I would be or wanted to be. I mourned my old life and was crying daily! It's not awful to miss all you have known, in the same way they are acting out as they have been removed from all they have known. It gets easier and everything becomes more normal. I am still exhausted because toddlers but it does settle down. If you can, get out, drink coffee or wine! Speak to friends, go to the gym. All these things helped (with a healthy dose of mother guilt for leaving them!) There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Thanks @Toddlerx2 - is so nice to think that I am not being silly or should be feeling a different way. I feel so guilty about everything and feel like my brain is in overload! I definitely am going to try and get out more and my husband us going to take them out on saturday to give me time - I just need to make sure I dont just do chores. Maybe I will go shopping and treat myself. I just dont think I ever realised i would be this exhausted! How long have you had your little ones? Do you feel you bonded quite quickly? X

Hi op
I am 8 weeks into placement of 2 children and am feeling exactly the same, my head is all over the place and I don't feel like "me" similar to yourself we have good days and bad ones. Yesterday was particularly bad as the older was having tantrum after tantrum. And the little one is unwell with a cold, It was exhausting!
I think the thing I really struggle with is that I don't get a second to think! It's overwhelming! I have also had tears over my past life! Makes me feel so guilty, after all I tell myself this is what my husband and I wanted, to have a family. But good god no amount of training can prepare you for it.
I think everything we are feeling is normal, it's a lot to take in! Do try to get some time for yourself if you can! It helps, even if it's just a long soak in the bath!

I’m nearly five years in and it is completely normal!!! We adopted two aged 3 and nearly 2, and even this far in I still have days where I mourn the old me, our old life and feel like I am still so far away from the Mum I thought I would be.
BUT... I am also amazed and in awe of how far our two have come, how well they are doing and how much love they give. And most days life just feels normal and wonderful and lovely.

Look after yourself ❤️

Hugs the first few weeks and months are hard and what you're feeling is reflection of that. My LO came home at one and it wasn't until I took a photo of her and saw what a complete stranger had said to me about her looking unwell that I even started to realise she wasn't getting enough sleep because of this massive and traumatic upheaval in her life. She'd had no routine at FCs, was going to sleep at night anywhere from 8.30-11, waking up several times in the night and not taking a daytime nap.

The only thing that kept me going was reading her a bedtime story about how much I loved her and why. She now hates the book because it was read daily at a time she was essentially going through hell but at the time it was the only thing that kept me sane.

2 years on and everything is fairly settled because she feels safe.

Do you feel you bonded quite quickly?

Yes, with my DS bit not with my DD who was altogether more traumatised and more demanding and more everything. At one point I thought I’d never love her - and it took a good while until now I’d kill for her.

You’re getting to know these little people at arguably the worst point in both your lives, which everyone else views as the best most happiest time of you lives. Whatever you feel is ok, natural and human. I’ve posted lots about how hard those early days are and there are a few current “WTF have I done” thread - you’re not alone, you’re not ungrateful and you’re not a bad mum. You’re 100% human, with all the frailties and vulnerabilities to go with it. I’d second the suggestion of therapy - having an hour each week where someone was literally there just for me kept me sane.

I asked my husband your question last night; did we bond quickly? I think it's difficult to give a definitive answer to that. The short answer is yes but when I look back at different stages I see different examples of attachment. We are almost a year in so still very much early stages, their attachment is secure now and has been for a while but I notice differences and improvements still, it is only with hindsight you realise how far they have come. My husband said that he knows they feel secure now because they go to sleep without any fuss and when they were first home and for the first 3 months bed time was hell on earth! I really wish I had written down how it was going and what they were experiencing just so I could look back and realise how far they had come. We often spend our evenings discussing what they were like and you will so quickly forget just how demanding they were, how dark the situation felt, the never ending feeling to every moment and every day (in my experience anyway) I find myself saying 'oh yeah!' all the time when I am reminded of moments and situations from earlier days.
Not much is discussed about post adoption depression, we are meant to be so happy and content, we have everything we have wished for but don't have the excuse of birth so it must be such a breeze for us! I know I was experiencing PAD now and wish I had reached out and asked for support quicker but was scared that it would appear I wasn't coping or not cut out to be their mother. I remember on one particularly painful night (of which there were many!) cry shouting at my one year old 'what do you want from me?' I couldn't see a way out. I look at that situation now and see a petrified baby who had lost all she knew and was with this alien (me!) but at the time I was too lost to see it myself. I live abroad so my situation is slightly different to others but... if you can afford it, can you get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week? Not having to think about that was such a burden lifted. Cash in your chips if you have family and friends around, could someone cook you a couple of freezer meals? Do a load of laundry? Yes, shop this weekend if that is your happy place, I found that if I shopped I would end up gravitating to buying for the babies so it stopped being my time. As others have said, lower your standards, I was crazy at the begining and wanted to make up for years of poor diet by making sure every meal in front of them was from scratch and balanced with plenty of veg, whilst that is important I wish I had given less fs then, there were so many more important things to do. Saying that, one of the break throughs for us was eating together every evening a a family, this meant moving our dinner time to 5 which was alien to us but it made such a difference. We had cuddles in bed every morning, this was for moments initially as neither really wanted physical contact but was built up over time and they still come in every morning for their cuddles before we start our day (at 530 which makes me want to cry!!). When the time came and they were going to bed and staying there we were able to get a babysitter for the occasional date night, that made a huge difference too. We also have great friends who, after the initial cocooning was done, would take them for an afternoon of soft play so we could sleep and do housework. They still do and it is such a blessing, if people are offering take them up on it! The problem is if you are telling people IRL that you are fine they may not see that you need their support. You're doing a great job, there is a light. sending love to you and yours

Totally normal. Especially with 2 new children. We adopted one and I just felt numb for months, then fell apart, got the counselling and antidepressants, got back on track slowly. It took over a year for me to say I could feel my old self was around again. Helped to have a few hours to myself each week by arrangement with husband. If you are the one at home doing the childcare then it can be harder because you don’t have your old work identity part to fall back on. It will get a lot better but needs time and support.

Thanks everyone- the week has got better and my husband has been so supportive on helping me and telling me I am doing a great job so feeling a little more myself. It hard work and i think will be for some time because of their ages but I think the bonds are getting stronger and routines a little easier x

I am sure you will be fine, well done.

Not much is discussed about post adoption depression, we are meant to be so happy and content, we have everything we have wished for but don't have the excuse of birth so it must be such a breeze for us! I know I was experiencing PAD now and wish I had reached out and asked for support quicker but was scared that it would appear I wasn't coping or not cut out to be their mother

I was exactly the same. Our DS seemed to favour DH over me and I took it so personally like it meant I was a terrible mother. I was terrified to admit how I was feeling in case they took him away and yet at the same time I wished they would. I felt so guilty when everyone was saying ‘oh he’s so beautiful he was worth the wait’ while I felt nothing. I even felt guilty about ‘taking him away’ from his birth mum.

Things are great now but my first year of being a mum, sadly, was mainly negative

This is completely normal. We have adopted a 2 and 3 year old over a year ago and I definitely go through phases with each one of them. It is difficult not to be hot headed and impatient, especially in the beginning, but you will definitely learn how to change your own behaviour and how to react differently to things - I guess this is all part of being a parent. I also think that feeling that you are not good enough as a parent and that you might be failing your kids, is absolutely normal and part of the process. It actually means that you care and that you are a conscious parent. Another thing that you may notice is how quickly kids change. You may find that in a couple of weeks one of your little ones is behaving a lot better. Just make sure you are consistent in setting boundaries.

How are you doing @DLouise2004? I hope things are getting better and you are feeling OK.

Hi all - a little bit of an update: so luckily things have been a little more settled and I think that the biggest reason for that is me just being a little more relaxed. I have felt quite stressed, run down and very impatient in the past post placement but I feel so much more bonded with the children and am enjoying them a lot more. That being said I.am still having my moments and the weather and being cooped up indoors isng helping with that. I am slowly coming to terms that the ages of the kids are tough and that aby person would probably struggle with them on their own- its exhausting!

Thanks for the update DLouise we go to panel soon for 2 little ones aged 1 and 2 so I've found your experience and the wisdom on this thread helpful already!

We are very realistic about how very hard it will be but we know that, by the same token, nothing can REALLY prepare us for it. It's an exciting scary emotional and confusing time and they aren't even with us yet (though after 2 playdates we are pretty much smitten)

Two years old are really hard work! For us the terrible twos phase was real! However we saw a big change as one of our sons approached 3 years old and started to understand and communicate better. At one point we even asked ourselves if he was going to be a little devil forever. But thank God he had changed!

I can definitely see the terrible 2's coming into play!

@Serenity45 thays exciting news! When is panel? If you ever need a chat happy to talk. I think you are right nothing can prepare you but the cuddles and funny moments are lovely and we are now feeling like a little family x

Thanks DLouise that's really kind - I will remember your offer when I'm weeping into my cereal and the terrors are drawing on the walls!

Panel is next week with intros end of January. Going through the apparently usual stages of wondering if we are doing the right thing (for us and the kids), dying to have them home with us / terrified of having them home with us etc

Hi Serenity. It is definitely normal to question yourself. However, please continue to keep in mind and preparing yourself for things to be quite challenging in the first few months, especially with kids that age. This seems to be the norm for everyone who adopts. When we adopted our 1 and 3 year old we prepared ourselves for the worst and things didn’t end up being so bad after all. However, this was due in part to us preparing ourselves for it being very difficult, so it was a nice surprise when we found we could actually cope. Some of the challenging things you are likely to experience include:

-the kids may have difficulty falling asleep and will require a lot of your time to settle at night especially in the first months. With us we are now in a good 30 min nightly routine of giving them bath, brushing teeth, reading a book, staying with them for a couple of minutes in bed and then leaving the room, and they fall asleep by themselves.

-they will probably also wake up crying several times throughout the night. Don’t worry, this will probably only last a month or so but it will slowly get better and soon you will find that they are waking up less and less and one day they will just start sleeping throughout the whole night. However, this can be quite toiling for parents since it will disrupt your own sleep and you may feel tired and irritable throughout the day. One thing that has worked well for us is that we started not giving too much attention to our kids when they started crying at night. One of us would simply go into the bedroom check if everything was ok and tell them it was time to sleep. We would simply cover them and give them a kiss and leave the room (this would take 1 minute). However, initially we were picking them up, giving them lots of hugs, staying with them until they settled again (this could take 15-20 mins), but we found that when we started giving them less attention they started being able to get back to sleep by themselves again and the crying at night stopped.

-they might not enjoy the meals you prepare so much. For us this only lasted 1 week, where the kids didn’t seem to enjoy what we cooked and didn’t finish their plates. In our case and linking to the point below about boundaries, we started giving them vegetables, soups and other healthy things that they weren’t used to eating much of right from the start, together with other things they enjoyed. We wanted them to get used to right from the start to healthy foods. They now eat everything, including salad which most kids dislike.

-Another thing is that they will start testing boundaries right from the start and this is a process that will last years and years. We think it’s important however that you establish consistent boundaries right from the start (for example, tidying up the bedroom after playing - with your help as they are so little). There will be lots of temper tantrums and bickering and this will drive you crazy. But it’s important that you try to remain consistent on how you deal with these issues.

Anyway, I’m sure other people will also have other tips. Good luck!

And one last comment - our 1 year old was not affectionate at all the first few months and wouldn’t let us hold him or hug him too much. He also didn’t smile a lot and generally seemed to be quite serious most of the time. This was a bit sad for us, but after a few months he started to change and after a year he became a completely different kid. He is now the most loving and affectionate kid I know.

He also went through a phase of fiercely wanting one of us to do things for him rather than the other (e.g. changing nappies, holding hands, dressing), which was really tough for the one of us who didn’t get chosen by him. However, when he turned 2.5 this stopped and he is now very happy with any of us. However, I remember that this felt really demotivating when it used to happen.

:)

It's completely natural @Serenity45 to feel like that - I still feel like that! I know it's hard to enjoy it but try to enjoy the moments like panel and intros- they are so special and in hindsight I think I was so stressed/terrified/panicked that I didnt let myself relax to think about how monumental those moments are. It all works out - some parts may be tough but their little grins and cuddles will make up for it 🙂. I think the main thing I wasnt prepared for was how much people have called me mental for having two children under 2 and people judge me all the time for 'not having taken precautions after the first child!'😂

Thank you John that's so helpful loads of useful bits I will hang onto! DLouise the not having taken precautions bit made me lol. We will absolutely try to remember to try to relax and be in the moment with our little ones and enjoy getting to know them. I'll keep you posted thanks so much for the support both