Sharing real life experiences/examples with the adoption process and life after adopting a child

[NV42]

Hello all

I am 43 and beginning of this year I had my first IVF attempt as my partner can not have children naturally and probably my last as I am not sure I want to go through this again. Saying this I have to thank all the ladies on this forum as during that period they were a great support and so much more than just a sounding board. They offered real support and I can not thank them enough. To this I should add a big thank you to the people who created the mumsnet forum!!!

I am now seriously considering adoption and to date I have been to two Information Events, one by Adopt South (LA) and one by PACT (VA) both in London. Truth to be said I always wanted to have a biological child and adopt a second one as I wanted to help a child who had no parents/same opportunities & support as others. Fingers cross that this process will be easier.

However I do not have any friends who have adopted and I really want to hear if of course people feel free to disclose this information:

1. Whether you went with a Local Authority or Volunteering Agency and any issues/showstoppers you might had as part of the screening process and how those were resolved.
2. What issues your adopted child/children had, what support you got and how your child/children are doing now.. Hopefully all doing well with the emotional support and safety they have found.. :-)
3. Any issues with the birth parents.

I am terrible sorry to ask such private questions but I really don't have anyone around me (work, neighboorhood, friends) who has adopted.

Finally, I am really split between LA and VA as I feel that VA because they get paid when they place a child, they are more strick when selecting people as future adopters as they do not want to invest time to people that a LA may think twice about finding a match for. E.g. We have two properties, one in London and one in Hampshire (3 bedrooms so child will have one bedroom) as during the week I work in London although every now and then some days I will work from home. When I asked PACT (VA) if this is a problem they said that I need to be living with my partner for two years, although I clarified to them that we live together, and it is just that during the week I have to stay in London for my work and when we adopt I will move permanately to Hampshire. They didn't sound very convinced so I am now sceptical going with PACT (VA).

Thank you very much...

Hello & welcome,

Just a quick reply as I'm at work at silly o clock in the morning...

1. I went with la and it was a great experience

2. My child has had no issues so far - placed at a day old and now 4 years old.

3. No issues with birth parents, just a sadness for their loss that I suspect will never really leave. However my child is wonderful and in my love for him, I hope I honour them.

Good luck on your journey x

Hi
VA are paid for their adopters but they don't have children, only the LAs do. LAs look at their own adopters before considering adopters from a VA. The post adoption support comes from the placing authority (i.e. the LA that has the child) for the first three years post adoption, then from the LA where you live after the first three years (if different). However VA should also offer post adoption support.

I imagine reading through the threads on this board will give you loads of info and answers.

1. LA, no issues really. You need quite a lot of time flexibility for meetings etc and if you get a good LA/VA you should have access to training as well as a standard prep course (ours had a ten week therapeutic parenting course plus workshops on grief and handling strong feelings)
2. My child is fantastic. The first year was really really hard. I don't have birth children so I can't assess how much of that was "total life change" of parenting and how much was the very intense needs of a newly placed child. Each year has had different challenges, we've accessed quite a bit of support mainly in first two years. But life overall is pretty wonderful, seeing the growth in confidence and increased ability to handle emotions, watching their real delight and discovery of the world as their fear reduces - all that makes me feel very lucky. Quite a number of years down the line now. There are going to be long-term effects we continue to handle (and doubtless some I'm blissfully unaware of yet).
3. Not one for public sharing. Yes, real challenges. But they don't stay on my mind day to day, and they don't outweigh the happiness of being a family.

1. LA
2. No issues were apparent to start with ( this is often the case) but lots have come to the surface since. There are many unknowns with an adopted child, particularly when they are placed as under threes. The challenge is that most looked after children have experienced loss, rejection, developmental trauma and neglect from the point of pregnancy onwards. Most adopted children (I think the stats are around the 80% mark) have been exposed to high levels of alcohol antenatally putting them at risk of FAS/FASD but the characteristics of this often don’t appear until they’re 5+

The youngest children placed may not have the memories of poor parenting and domestic violence but trust me, their brains remember which often results in anxiety issues and mental health issues later on. In short, anyone adopting needs to expect to parent a child with additional needs, as, at very least, all children will have attachment issues of some sort. In terms of my life, things haven’t all panned out as I had expected; I’ve had to give up my job in order to meet her needs as she simply couldn’t cope with nursery more than 3 days a week, and then before and after school care just became too much for her. But, would I change anything? My answer is a resounding ‘NO’! My daughter is, despite her difficulties and challenges, an utter joy in my life, a complete blessing and although our journey together has been far from smooth or straightforward, becoming her Mum has been the best thing in the world, worth every single sacrifice and difficult day.

1. No issues as such with her birth family, letterbox contact has been a very positive thing for our family, and has been something we’ve revisited several times in terms of the timing, and frequency of it, and it’s helped to reinforce my daughters identity and processing of her life story.
2. My advice would be to go to the information sessions of the organisations you are considering and go with the one that you feel is the best fit. But you will need to consider practicalities around when home study sessions will take place, timescales for allocation of social workers etc.

Be prepared to be asked to evidence that you’ve had some counselling and support to process feelings of grief and regret/loss over fertility treatment not working out, especially as you had that so recently. Some adoption agencies like a gap of a year or two following the last round to be sure that you don’t have unresolved issues around it all.

Feel free to private message me if you have more direct or specific questions that may not be easily answered somewhere this public!

Thank you all for sharing your experiences & insights which are invaluable to me..

1. LA but I didn’t go through the usual adoption process.

1. He is so far doing very well, his attachment to me is secure for the amount of time I have been his parent. Obviously I’m well aware that issues with his early trauma will become more apparent the older he gets.

1. It’s an in family adoption, I am NC with all but one of my family members (who is also NC with the family). Due to the type of person his biological mother is there is zero contact, not even letter box.

Not living together may be an issue, when I was going through the process my partner and I weren’t considered to be living together as he regularly worked away.

1. Whether you went with a Local Authority or Volunteering Agency and any issues/showstoppers you might had as part of the screening process and how those were resolved.

LA. They have the children and we adopted a three year old with relatively few issues. We have had lots of post adoption support through our LA.

1. What issues your adopted child/children had, what support you got and how your child/children are doing now.. Hopefully all doing well with the emotional support and safety they have found.. :-)

Son was neglected and as such he is very emotional at times. He has a few issues but mostly is fine.

1. Any issues with the birth parents.

None, we have letter box (contact by anonymous letter) which has been sporadic.

Good luck.