Advice please. 5 yo ad hurting herself

[MeAndHimAndHer]

I’ve just been to first parents’ evening after ad started reception in September.
She has had quite a few accident forms for minor bumps but we were not concerned as when she first started nursery last year she used to constantly seek reassurance by telling the teacher about every little scratch. By the end of the first term that had stopped completely.
Tonight her teacher told me that ad has at times been seen to hurt herself and then seek attention from a teacher. After getting sand in her eyes one day and having them washed etc she then was seen to rub sand in her eyes on a further 2 occasions and seek attention. The teacher dealt with it by suggesting she not play in the sand for a while and it stopped.
On other occasions she has been seen to gently bump her head on a wall after having genuinely bumped it and getting attention.
The teacher seemed to think she has this under control by acknowledging that ad has hurt herself but not giving much attention and quickly distracting.
She doesn’t do this at home. She does ask for constant company and support and struggles to play or even just be on her own, even in the same room.
She seems to have traits of an ambivalent attachment and dh
and I try to work with that, keeping her near, lots of eye contact when we're busy etc. She goes to school and to the childminder really happily. When I collect her, she usually is very sad-faced and sulky looking, and sometimes doesn’t want to come with me or take my hand but I wait it out and soothe and don’t make a big deal out of it.
There are number of other concerns, like she spent much of her birthday party in another room or under a table but we just support her to do whatever feels safe and comfortable to her.
It had felt like we were coping and managing but to hear that she has been hurting herself has really concerned me and I’m not sure if we should be doing more or responding to this somehow.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

What are the school like in terms of understanding about adoption/attachment?

If it were me, I would be asking for them to have a "go to" person for my daughter. Most classes have teaching assistants and most schools have a pastoral team. I think your daughter is likely feeling that she needs a special person to go to in school.

It might be that the teaching assistant puts aside 10minutes at the start of the day to have a 1-2-1 "catch up" with your daughter. Just the two of them. Perhaps then after lunch could be another 10minutes. This might help to fill up her need for focussed attention from a trusted adult.

Failing that, ask to speak to the pastoral team/senco as there should be ways of supporting with this.

My friends little boy has been diagnosed with attachment issues. The first school he went to refused to give him a key person etc and his behaviour really escalated. He is now in a school that understand more and having a trusted person has helped him so much. He has settled right in!

It sounds as if she feels unsafe without adult attention, and that you are already tuned into that.

I suspect that the school - quite understandably - have encouraged her not to tell the teacher about every little scratch, thinking that this will help her become more independent. Unfortunately, given her need for a mechanism to get attention (connection might be a better word, as 'attention seeking' is used negatively), she has realised that she needs to hurt herself more seriously to use this coping mechanism.

There are a couple of things I can think of, and no doubt others will have more ideas:

• does she have any transitional objects? At times DD has carried a photo of me in her school bag, or other little items that help her feel connected even while we are not together. Suggestions I have heard of that had worked have included something with your smell on it e.g. a handkerchief that you have worn next to your skin for a couple of hours and something special that the child looks after for you while at school and gives back to you when they come home, a scented hand cream that you use and she can rub on when she needs to feel close to you? It sounds like she is struggling to know that you are still there for her from a distance. Maybe do something during the day that shows you are thinking about her - write her a note at lunchtime saying 'I am eating a tuna sandwich and wondering how you are doing today'? Not a great example but the best I can think of right now! Or if you go shopping get her something small for when you pick her up from school.

• help her recognise when she needs attention/connection, and find other ways of getting it (you'll need the teacher on board). 'Wonder' with her about how it feels when she doesn't have your/the teachers attention. Where does she feel it, in her tummy? her head? in what situations? If she is feeling 'wobbly', how can she get reassurance? Is there a token she can carry and give to the teacher, so the teacher can provide some comfort? How can the teacher do that in the middle of teaching the class, would it help to sit next to the teacher, for example? One teacher I heard of would ask the child to take a note to the receptionist for her when she noticed the child getting anxious - if necessary the note was blank, but the receptionist was aware of the situation, and would ask the child how the day was going etc for a couple of minutes, getting out of the class, walking, having a couple of minutes of adult time, all helped 'reset' and they could come back more settled.

DD (a bit older though, when she was 9/10) got into the habit of helping the school librarian in break times when things were rough - it was a calm, unthreatening place with an adult who made no demands on her and appreciated her help, where she could focus on finding the right place on the shelves for returned books and be 'successful'. It doesn't have to fall completely on the class teacher.

Thank you both so much. Some really helpful advice.
When she goes back after half term I will arrange to see her teacher to discuss it further and put forward suggestions. I will definitely sort out a transition object before she goes back. I’ll talk to her about what she might find helpful to have when she feels scared/lonely/upset/wants adult company.
After Christmas she will be seeing the school ELSA and after half term she is going to be having some extra support around communication (speech delay) so hopefully both of these organised regular adult interactions will help her a bit.
Thank you again.

May be worth also asking the adults to keep a track of when these are happening precisely - what are the triggers for feeling so wobbly? Is it the free-play unstructured time, lunchtime if canteen is too noisy, carpet time if that's hard for her? Different strategies for different triggers then - you mentioned how her party seemed to overwhelm her, so perhaps the noisy over-excited times are the hardest at school too? A quiet space she can retreat to, a key person she can "help" for a bit of calm, a sensory box of things she can choose one to hold during carpet time?

I always knew when DD was struggling emotionally because the accident forms and plasters would suddenly come in a flurry! A bit of wondering aloud about what might be worrying her, lots of nurture at home, and some investigating by the teacher, were usually able to resolve things.

Hugs - it's really hard when they hurt themselves "deliberately". Hope it improves especially as she gets more input re communication needs