Positive early placement stories? Do they exist?

[Nenora]

Hi All,

We will be starting intros on 28th Oct with a view to placement of our DS on 5th Nov.

I have read a lot of stories on here of very negative and hard placements. We are not under any illusion that LO will just settle right in and all will be rosy but it would be nice to hear that not all placements have been horrific!

Thanks

Yes they do exist but those of us who have them rarely post, or even frequent the board anymore

We are now 4years down the line and life is still good. I remain positive for the future but who knows. No horror stories yet but some little things.

Many people on this board will point out that I am still early in our placement as our child is still young. They will say that problems will occur in the teen years etc. They might well do, but I'm not living my life that was and dreading those years.

By early placement you mean adopting as a baby?

That gives the best chance of good outcomes- hence why concurrency is so popular.

Most adopters I know have no major difficulties with their kids (I know shit loads of unadopted kids who do). Raising a child is not dead easy anyway. The additional complexities of adoption certainly don't mean things are automatically harder. There are tens of thousands of adopters who don't need to post on forums asking for advice- don't imagine online is remotely representative.

The reason for emphasising the potential problems is because adopters need to be ready to cope when things are really difficult- there are no guarantees. Not being prepared for the worst is the biggest risk factor for disruption.

(You asked for stories: two babies with lots of uncertainties/issues; best decision ever; still fucking hard, because I have two normal kids)

The simple answer is their are no guarantees. As turntheheatingon said those with fairly easy children don’t tend to post on these forums. I posted a few years back on the adoption uk boards asking for positive stories, not for myself but to try and counteract the negativity, and was almost eaten alive. Basically told adoption is tough and get on with it.

Dom said the younger the child at placement the easier it is likely to be ie concurrency!! Although I don’t think you are necessarily referring to early permanency but wanted to counteract Dom’s argument a little. I would argue against this. With a young baby there is a huge amount of uncertainty about the future. Also there is likely to be a large amount of contact in the early days that can effect the child greatly. I am very involved with concurrent carer support and know of many cases. Some have been super easy, some have been ok and many have been very hard. Don’t underestimate the effect of 9 months in the womb with potential drug, alcohol and domestic violence exposure. Also they will more than likely be born with high levels of cortisol levels and this can have long term affects. I think with young babies if they have escaped much of the above then they are likely to be fairly straight forward until they are older and then the difficult years are likely to be their teen years as they deal with their life story.

We have siblings who were placed with us at 2&3. It was hard work and exhausting but I would say not undoable. However, what supported the early days of placement was having both of us at home for the first 8 weeks!!! I know for a fact I would not be writing a positive message if my husband had had to be going back to work any earlier than perhaps week 6!! Also we realised very early on that the children would not cope with both of us working and childcare, but neither of us could cope with the idea of one of us being the full time stay at home parent. We opted for both of us going part time after 7 months, so that one or other of us was at home with the kids. We both get some time to be parents and some time to be the professional us!! Work for us is breathing space and has greatly saved our relationship with the children.

at risk of igniting old arguments I wish we could get away from this idea that adoption is either 'postive' or 'negative/horrific' .

we are 8 years along, the first 4 months were bliss, the next 6 very tough, followed by 2ish very good years, followed by 3 years or so of what would be deemed very very tough, followed by a slow recovery into what is now fairly average angst ridden teen life, with a bit of added adoption spice.
The tough years were not 'negative', they were our lives at that point. Now our lives are different, a bit like most people's lives really.

But adoption is fundamentally a gamble, and you need to be prepared for the possibility that life can be extremely difficult, but also to know that challenging periods can be worked through.

We’re 2 months in here with 14 month old. The first couple of weeks were tough but not horrific, and it was more the emotion/stress of all the changes for us rather than difficulty with LO. She was stressed and overwhelmed at times, and it was hard to comfort her as she wasn’t comforted by us yet. But she was also happy and interacting well at other times and it was fun introducing her to new things and seeing her learning every day. Now we’re feeling more and more settled, we have a routine to help fill the days and know the trigger times.

We’ve had a very very tough time through the adoption process, had a disruption during introductions with a sibling group and seen a lot of early day struggles with other people. Our LO is a very content happy girl by nature, and we were very much prepared for the worst so have been pleasantly surprised and feel very lucky to have found things so easy.

Thank you all.

Our LO is almost 3. We know it will be difficult for him to adjust (as well as us) and he will be grieving etc.

I know we are prepared for being completely unprepared but its such a strange, emotional time. We feel scared, excited, in love and out of our depth!

We tried to read some intro, transition and early days placement stories to get some perspective on others experiences but all we could find were the bad starts. We just wanted to hear the good starts as well so we can get a rounded picture. Although every child and person and family is different!

Thank you all again. Xx

Honestly, I think you might feel better if you REALLY drop your standards and expectations re the very early stage. You've quite rightly identified that you'll have a small grieving child, who doesn't yet know or trust you, and won't understand what's going on, or be able to verbalise it. They will be terrified and that might come out in any number of ways. Get your own sources of support lined up, take some deep breaths, and each day try and notice the tiny glimmers of positive.

It means the first time they let you comfort them, the first time they give you a real smile not a scared one, the first relaxed laugh, the first time you discover their favourite food...all those mean so, so much more because they don't all come easily.

We are 6 years down the line, early days were very very tough, but we found our version of "normal" and now we're a muddle of fantastic / agh / boring / worry / pride, mixed in with "who spilt this and what is it?!!" like most other families in the world.

I'm not saying there won't be any good bits in the early days - just that you might manage your stamina better by seeing those as a great bonus, in a time you're prepared will be mainly demanding.

We tried to read some intro, transition and early days placement stories to get some perspective on others experiences but all we could find were the bad starts. We just wanted to hear the good starts as well so we can get a rounded picture.
I can imagine at your stage reading such hard experiences in the early days might be making you think “what the hell have we let ourselves in for, surely it’s not all like that, there must be folk for whom this is easier”, and there are but they understandably don’t tend to post for support. And if your intros and early weeks are straightforward, you’ll likely not post for support either so what you’ll see here are mostly tough times.

I’m with @Ted27 in trying not to think about positive and negative experiences, more that adoption however you come to it has it’s tough times along with the utterly amazing and the mundane and common place.

Instead of trying to get a balanced view of early placement, really try to get a balanced view of your little one (imagine being picked out of a place you’ve been safe in, handed over to a new person/people, told they’re your new family, moving to an unfamiliar house, with unfamiliar things, and unfamiliar ways of doing things, with even more unfamiliar people, animals, etc, nothing looking the way you are used to, nothing smelling the way you’re used to etc etc and not really having a way to process it understand that. And that’s just one person in the house - the same will be happening on some level for everyone in the house including you.

Then go back and read some of the early placement experiences and first of all assure yourself that if you ever feel like you’re going crazy, it’s ok. Then look for some of the hints and tips in those threads - there’s a mine of wealth in advice in those threads which can help you from the outset to prioritise self care and to pick your battles and take SW advice with a lunch of salt. The positives in those threads are seen towards the end, as you see adopter and adoptee starting to become a little family but there’s so much more going on in those threads than people having a hard early placement.

Good luck with intros, I truly hope it all goes well for you - let us know either way, you could be the one “positive” story on the board.

SW advice with a lunch of salt.
I meant pinch but sometimes a whole lunch of salt might be needed

I really understand your point @Nenora. We're going through the process and have panel in a month and for a while I had to walk away from reading about adoption. It's not that how tough it is scares me I just don't what life to become a self fulfilling prophecy. I want to be as prepared as possible while still walk in to it giving us all a chance to adjust and deal with everything as it happens but I totally understand the need to hear something positive.

Early days were hard hard hard and I remember thinking (and saying to DH) wtaf have we done, but I never, ever thought we wouldn’t make it.

I remember thinking at two months in how much easier it was than at two weeks in, then at 4 months in laughing at my 2 months in self. And so on.

And we’re 6 years in now, some weeks are great, some less so, but I wouldn’t change it.

Part of what I struggled with (that no-one warned me about) was the complete lack of privacy - having to deal with little people whilst braless or with hair still standing on end. Or being woken because three year old is playing with your lips.

I never let them come with me to the toilet - I would literally go ‘oh look at that’ and run the other way so I could go unaccompanied. 😂
I’d shower when DH was still home so I could do that alone too.

I also wish I’d let go quicker of my idea of what family life ‘should’ look like. For far too long I tried to get them to eat real food when they only wanted plain pasta, but I kept on trying to make real dinner for all of us and to eat as a family in the evening. Life became much easier when I gave in, did early kids tea and later grown up dinner. (They both eat quite reasonably now.)

So my advice would be do whatever gets you through the day, and let go of just about every idea of how you thought you might parent...

Good luck!

I was you a couple of months ago, looking for positive stories. Probably naively thinking the negative ones wouldn't be me. I wish to god I'd had more realistic expectations. I think it would have helped me cope better when things got tough. We are 5 weeks in and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. I've had so many wtf have I done moments, I've lost count. But I'm past the point of thinking this could fall apart now. I'd expect it to be very tough and accept that in those early days you may get very little back. Expect the worst, hope for the best! Good luck x

I'm 8 weeks into my placement with my 3YO.

I don't like to say it, but it's been absolute bliss for me. LO attached so easily to me during the 2 weeks of intros that by the time it was placement day lo was excited about it. Anxiety has played a huge part for LO & we have had our tough days, but we've met these with love and consistency & this has re enforced the attachment more.

My husband had a harder time for the first 4isb weeks, but is getting there now.

LO sleeps regularly 12-14 hours a night.
Eats what's put infront of them.
Generally listens & is doing so well.

FCs are kept up to date with the occasional picture & are truly asstounded.

Advice: routine & stick to it. First two weeks we went to the park each day at the same time (no matter the weather) this re enforced the fact that we were reliable & mean what we say. LO has truly come on in leaps and bounds since being here!

(Hides in broom cupcupboard)

Hmmnn...positive early days...I would say that if any child seems fine about moving in with strangers, then they have attachment issues which probably run deep and they are absolutely terrified, so are showing you what they think you want to see.

Our early days of placement with DD1 were seemingly pretty easy going, looking back it breaks my heart to think how scared and confused she must have been. Early days with DD2 were much harder, but she has a more secure attachment style.

I know that's not what you want to hear and it's a bit counterintuitive, but it may help in setting your expectations and in seeing things from your child's perspective.

Thank you so much for your reply.

We are aware that over positive early placement is also not a good thing. Its not nice to witness or experience but if a child is able to show attachment to their FC then they will be able to attach to you.

I think what we are looking for is stories of middle ground. Something like the child shows the natural grief for their lost care giver but doesn't continuously physically attack and ignore their adopted parents for months after placement. We are as prepared as we can be for the latter.

We are emphatic to our LO's emotional turmoil and have completed research and training on attachment theories but when you are going through the adoption training you always hear the worst case scenarios (to prepare you) and then on here you naturally hear the worst stories.

Thank you. So happy your placement is going well. Xxx

I find this very interesting. I guess when thinking about when my son joined our family I’d say it was difficult and much harder than expected but it wasn’t all bad and also my expectations were all different. Everything I’d been told about the wee man was wrong. My advice would be get to know your children. Get through each day. Once daily life is going ok then plan for the future. Adoption is a wonderful thing but sometimes we forget to mention that

Something like the child shows the natural grief for their lost care giver but doesn't continuously physically attack and ignore their adopted parents for months after placement.

My DC have never physically attached me, or ignored me. They grieved for their foster carers deeply and in different ways - they were very used to having to compete with each other and other siblings to have their needs met which brought different challenges.

The difficulties for me were pretty much the opposite. My two needed to be in touching distance at all times, they needed to be touching me, sitting on me, holding on to me for every second of the day, they needed a huge amount of physical affection. All of that sounds great until you understand that meant I literally couldn’t leave their line of vision, if one child needed me for something the other would also need be for something and if that meant hurting themselves, putting themselves in danger or breaking something that’s what they’d do. We had so many visits to A&E in that first year....

It would take me 45 minutes to unload the tumble dryer, because they couldn’t tolerate me being away from them. They’d be hungry but not able to let me go to the kitchen to make them something to eat. While knowing this was a need for then, it was incredibly suffocating for me to go from having my own space most of the time to literally walking round my house with two children physically attached to me. I couldn’t take my eyes off them for a minute and was pretty much touched out, my SW suggested putting them into school and nursery to give them some structure and to give me physical space for a couple of hours, which did help us all tbh.

Over two years in they are still very clingy, needs lots of affection and will gravitate towards me if I’m in the room, they have a great relationship with my DH, but it’s me they want to be with, sit with (on), they need to know where I am, what I’m doing, when I’ll be back etc.

It’s not always about aggressive or violent children, challenges come in lots of shapes and sizes.

I was going to write more or less what jelly had written. DC1 had to be at the centre of everything.

So imagine trying to change a one year old’s nappy whilst the 3 year old tries to get between you and the baby. Literally physically in between.

Or a 3yo who deliberately pees her pants every time she doesn’t get what she wants (so you’re going through 20 or more sets of clothes in a day).

She actually ended up in nursery too so I could spend some time with DC2.

Anyway, that’s what ‘hard’ meant here.

Or a 3yo who deliberately pees her pants every time she doesn’t get what she wants (so you’re going through 20 or more sets of clothes in a day)

Oh god, the laundry. Both my two had toileting issues - I remember 17 changes of clothes in one day which combined with not being able to easily fill the washing machine, unload the tumble dryer etc (because per tldr’s post) both children would place themselves between me and whatever I was doing at the time caused huge amounts of stress. Looking back I probably gave myself a harder time than I needed to but if I didn’t get the washing on we would run out of clothes quite quickly. Now we’d laugh and joke if that happened but then, when we didn’t have an established relationship, it would have been a nightmare.

Good luck with your intros today!

Our early days went extremely well. Our daughters were delightful and we hit it off right away. We are 7 years in and are still smiling. That doesn't mean that we have had no challenges, but everything has been fairly easily manageable and we are all happy.

My daughters were older, so communication was easier. My recommendations would be: make life as predictable and routine as possible to make things easier for your child and yourself, do "play time", sometimes also called "special time" (see "The Incredibly Years" by Webster-Stratton) for 10 minutes a day to give your little one a feeling of control, go to sleep as early as possible, don't be afraid to say no, support their grieving and show them that you will be there to support them in any problem or worry they have.

All the best

I'm nearly 2 years in, DS is about to turn 3. First six weeks were bloody hard. It has been a delight ever since. We have had good days and bad days but no different to any other parent. He is thriving and I wouldn't be without him. He is my world!

Most posts refer to bad or hard times as people are reaching out for help in those situations. Those with no problems don't tend to post in general. We've had no issues with out little one who has been with us since 3 months old and is nearly 3. We are of course under no illusions that as he grows older things could change but other than the normal night time get ups that you expect with a baby we have had nothing but pleasure from our little one. The hard part for us came from doing foster to adopt and having to take AS to contact sessions with birth parent which were often cancelled last minute (while I was sat in a car park waiting for them to arrive and go into the contact centre). This being messed about was the worst as i often had to wake AS from a nap to take him and go out in all weathers, often for it not to then take place. On the one occasion I asked for contact to be cancelled as he was poorly and I refused to take him out, birth parents decided to put in a complaint about us saying we were refusing to allow any contact. Luckily the social workers we all had were great and knew we hadn't done anything wrong and it went no further.
Anyway sorry for the long post, I wish you all the luck for your journey and your new child and just take one day at a time. Don't expect miracles, focus on the small things, making sure they are clean, fed and watered and don't worry about anything else, the housework can wait.

Hope things have been going well in intros and yesterday @Nenora x