Views of existing DC

[Icouldstillbejoseph]

I'm 40, divorced, stable new relationship (2 years +), 2 existing DC of 8&6 who have a wonderful relationship with my partner. I have them about 70% of the time.

A close family friend has been through the adoption process and so I have a vague idea of what is involved. It has also instigated some discussion at the dinner table amongst my DC.

Anyway, they appear adamant that they would never want an adopted brother or sister. But they would love a child that I "grew". The "grow it yourself" option doesn't seem to be happening and also I favour adoption for various reasons.

Anyway, my family friend reported that they wouldn't consider her application unless her existing child was "on board". Can someone with experience advise how prohibitive my DC's views would be to progressing?

I obviously would never plough on and disregard their views but I do feel that I am the adult and they cannot be responsible for a huge decision like this?

It would be very difficult to progress if your existing children aren’t on board.

Yes, you are the adult, but personally I think you need to prioritise your existing children. Not that I don't think you shouldn't try to persuade them.

How adament are they, what are their objections. Do you have counter arguments ?
Adoption is very different creature to having birth children. Adopted children come with a high risk of additional needs, they can be complex and challenging and have a huge impact on your existing children's lives.
Have a look at the current thread in the adopter who is struggling with their new child. Search for threads about adopting with birth children.
To be honest I think you first need to decide if you do want to expose your birth children to the risk of adoption, and then think about how you carry them with along with you.
Adoption is a risk, some people will be adament that you adopting with birth children will be a disaster, others will tell you their success stories, some people will tell you never to adopt an older child, I would tell you thats worked out just fine for me.

Thank you - I probably haven't explained it to my existing DC in the best way - I was hoping there would be more information about this during the process I guess.

Having birth children at my age also comes with a higher risk of health issues too so it is something I have already considered.

I have read lots of the other threads on here and do find them helpful but, like you say, such a variation in experiences

I am an adoptee and my dc of similar ages currently would love me to adopt as we have talked so much about related things. A few years ago they only wanted a sibling if I grew it myself.

However, as the adult I would not adopt until they are much older because I know how much it would take out of me, far more than having another bio child, and they, right now, need me, because they are so young.

In your shoes I would listen to their views on this because although they aren't mature enough to make decisions, they are old enough to hold opinions based on their experiences of life to date and keep talking about it all so their understanding increases too.

OP, sorry I read my post this morning and it sounds as though I am saying I think no one should adopt if they have existing dc, which I didn't mean. I wouldn't, knowing my dc and knowing my circumstances, and with my personal assessment of the potential risks, but everyone's situation will be different. I would keep talking about it with your dc as you continue to find out about it.

My dc was 3 when we started the process and never discussed it until a few weeks before panel (due to being only 4 at this point). It was never an issue. Even if she said she never wanted a sibling etc then it would never had impacted on the process. How many children are asked before parents try to conceive? Did you asked them before you and your partner tried the traditional way to extent your family?

In terms of having both a birth and adopted child, it doesn’t matter greatly. They know I couldn’t have any more children and they know they joined the family differently but to us it’s so normal and we talk about it as it is and normalise it for them and their friends. In fact, I took the children out the other day and my eldest said “could we have an adult and 2 children tickets please? My brother is adopted and has never been here before and we are going to make a new experience together”. Poor cashier didn’t know what to say! For us it’s our family. Nothing unusual about it.

In terms of having trauma and challenging behaviour, yes it was a huge consideration. We had 7 potential matches at one point and saying “no” was the hardest thing but we had to put my birth child at the centre of decision making and considered who was right for our family especially her. She was 5 at the time a baby herself. But adopting was he best thing I could have done for her. She is so close to her brother and protects him fiercely. I would have hated her to grow up an only child. They have had to learn to be friends first and she is closer to him then other friends with kids similar ages. It’s been difficult, no doubt about it. I would not do t again (my adopted child couldn’t cope with the trauma of another adopted child).

Your children are not only children. How would they benefit having an adopted sibling? How would your family benefit? Sounds selfish but you need to know you are the right family for someone.

Hope this helps with your thoughts

Such great advice from people who actually know what they are talking about, thank you. This adoption topic always provides such interesting reading.

@121Sarah121 I guess my ideas of benefit are romanticised a bit. We aren't affluent but we live a happy life in a nice area and could see how we could make another child happy and give them opportunities.
My DC are super close and I have considered that and the dynamics of '3' but I feel (romanticised probably) that it's all surmountable, with training and advice.
Sorry - this is me typing my thoughts out loud really....

Would you consider fostering? Depending where you are in the country they are desperately short of foster carers. Adoption and fostering are entirely different, I have done both, but sometimes depending on your circumstances fostering can be a good fit.

What is your deep motivation to adoption? Is it to grow your family further on a permanent basis or (as you have hinted at) to give another child a secure home? Ultimately if you are wanting to grow your family permanently then adoption is probably the best fit. However, if you feel you have room in your lives and heart to offer a child a home for a shorter space of time, and sometimes that can turn out to be on a permanent basis, then consider fostering.

If you are not 100% sure how you or your children are going to cope with growing your family by other means than through natural conception then short term, respite and emergency fostering may be a good option to test the ground.

@Thepinklady77 funnily enough I have spent a good portion of my morning reading about fostering too
It's definitely an option. Going to go for a long walk later and chew it all over with DP

How many children are asked before parents try to conceive?

It isn't the same. Agencies try to encourage the transition to be as smooth as possible - if there are already obvious issues that will arise, they'll be put off.

For us, we had to state that we were prepared to distance ourselves and would cut off relatives who are more closely related to our AS if it became necessary. And of course, we had a young baby already which concerned them somewhat but the baby needed a home and we were family. I think we would never have gotten to take our son home so quickly if it wasn't for a unique combination of privilege, circumstance, underfunding and necessity. I doubt we would have passed as candidates for an adoption in other usual circumstances.

How many children are asked before parents try to conceive?

Given that adopted children have a much higher likelihood of having special needs of some sort or another, you can't compare. Especially as the SN often involve behavioural issues which will have an impact on the other children. Which is why usually an age gap of at least 2 is years needed before SWs will consider adoption (I think it should be more like 5+ years except unless there is a specific reason - then at least BCs are becoming more independent).

Friends adopted an 'easy to place' 2 year old, already having a 4 year old and 6 year old. The guilt they have felt over the past 3 years (since placement) about the impact on their BC has been very difficult, their AS cannot cope with the other children getting attention and at times has shown that through violence. If the BC were older the impact on them would have been far less, and the AS would probably have felt less need to compete.

Which is why usually an age gap of at least 2 is years needed before SWs will consider adoption

TBF, even though our son's are 5 months apart, younger son's adoption wasn't finalised until they were 2. We just knew it was for keeps so behaved as he was legally ours all the time. I BF him.

I think the views of existing children have to be taken with a pinch of salt. In the opening posters situation, her children are 6 and 8 years old. Far too young to comprehend the complexities of adoption. My daughter was 4 when we were approved and had no clue what a family was no mind how having another child joining the family would impact on her. Is it then reasonable to suggest that she can make an informed decision at to what is best for her? She was at t he heart of the decision making process but did not contribute anything as it was too much to expect of a young child.

I believe it is for the opening poster to look at what is right for her family and whether she can meet the needs of an adopted child alongside her birth child.

With regards to age difference, I think every case is as unique as the family. For some a smaller age gap works and for others a larger one. It’s all about circumstances and meeting the needs of all children involved.

I think that there is a huge difference between the understanding of a 4 year old, 6 year old then 8 year old. I think the views of 6 and 8 year olds are very relevant, even if the parent decides ultimately what is best. I think divorce can throw an added complexity into the mix as existing dc are already dealing with that. But as I said, I think the key thing here is to keep talking to the children about it all, giving them information and also talking to them about their feelings, while the OP is continuing to fact find too.

Thank you - I think the divorce is much more relevant than I realise. For me, I'm bloody delighted much happier and I think sometimes I underestimate the effect it had/has on the children.
When I broached the subject of a new sibling to my DS (8) the other day he said "I really don't want another person in the house, our family is big enough"
I feel he's alluding to already coping with having a step father in the house (despite a really wonderful relationship with him) and I know I have to respect that.