Preparing daughter for school

[hidinginthenightgarden]

Dd starts school next September and I am becoming increasingly aware that she isn’t likely to be ready emotionally or academically.
She will be one of the oldest in the class too.
She has been with us nearly 3 years and has been attending nursery 4 days a week for a while now but it is becoming increasingly obvious that she is behind her peers.
Right now she can not identify any letters or numbers, she has no muscle control to form them with a pen. She can do colours and count to ten plus shapes.
I can help with this sort of thing but how do I help with the developmental side? If she gets upset she often bursts into tears and needs the toilet or will wet herself. Despite having a brother she isn’t great at taking turns, sharing attention and expressing emotions without getting frustrated and upset.
I feel out of my depth as my birth son was developmentally ahead by a long while so was more than ready. What do I do to help her please?

In my experience the right school will make all the difference in the world. Have you chosen her school and if so, does the headteacher understand adoption and the challenges that come for adopted children? That would be my first stop tbh, my daughter has a lot of developmental delays which her school accommodates and supports really well.

Work on what she can do, colours and numbers, help her begin to identify letters, eg does she have an easy name that you could help her with. In terms of learning research shows that the one thing that makes a difference is parents reading to and with their children, which is something you can easily do.

In terms of her fine motor skills, I was told to work on the major muscle groups first, so lots of climbing, hanging from bars, lots of big circle shapes (eg writing in the air making shapes so her shoulder muscles are well developed to support fine motor). I’d she mark making at nursery? There’s a school of thought that says learning pre-7 should be wholly play based so maybe look at play based learning.

My DS started school at 5, usual age in Scotland and couldn’t write or read - his development now is exactly where it should be because the school know how to support his learning. Are you in England? I often think there’s far too much expected of reception and year 1 children down south never mind for kids who have had a hard start.

Worth asking the nursery too whether they see early learning blocks in place or whether there are things you could do to support.

Thanks that’s really helpful. Because our son is already at the school we haven’t really met with any teachers to discuss her needs as yet as we aren’t going to any open days.
I have met the senior though and she is lovely so I may speak to her. Thank you

My AD2 was also old in year but emotionally young and was developmentally delayed at pre-school.

A year is a long time, she may come on in leaps and bounds in that time.

Being old in year works in her favour in some ways, as even if she is 11 months behind she is still 'in year' with the youngest in the class, and if say 15 months behind that isn't masses behind the youngest.

You do however seem to be assuming your DD will follow your DS to the same school? I'd definitely talk to the school about your DD's potential issues and how they could support them. If you don't like what you hear then go to other schools to see what they say. If your DC have very differing needs, they may need different schools.

(My DD is in y10 now. She's still 'young', and doesn't find school easy, but is coping. Both primary and secondary had great SN and pastoral support.)

Another school isn’t an option unfortunately as we don’t have the ability to get her to another school without giving up work. It is however an excellent school and one of the best in the city. I’m not worried about the school accommodating her. The headteacher is aware that she is adopted and told me ages ago that it is useful for the school to know this so that they can support the children.
I’m worried about how she will cope being so much younger than her peers and if there is anything I can do to help close the gap.

I should also add that knowing they would both have to attend the same school we did put out feelers to others we know who have adopted children at the school and see if they were happy with the school before we applied for ds.

I'm glad you are happy the school will be good.

I'd try (easy to say) not to worry about her being 'behind her peers'. Just carry on trying to give her the experiences / opportunities to develop, and she will be where she will be. You won't help her or yourself if you try to push her on things she isn't ready for yet. She doesn't need to know letters before she starts school. if she does well that's lovely, but it isn't necessary.

I would check that nursery are treating her according to where she's at developmentally and not just her chronological age.

My adopted son has just started school and is one of the youngest in his class.

A year ago he was barely doing any mark making let alone letters, however this all seems to be coming on since he started reception. Looking back I think his nursery supported those children who wanted to do writing but I suspect they just let him tear around outside all the time.

A year is a really long time to see a difference.

Right now she can not identify any letters or numbers, she has no muscle control to form them with a pen. She can do colours and count to ten plus shapes.
I can help with this sort of thing but how do I help with the developmental side? If she gets upset she often bursts into tears and needs the toilet or will wet herself. Despite having a brother she isn’t great at taking turns, sharing attention and expressing emotions without getting frustrated and upset.

That doesn't sound hugely behind to me. DD2 is the same age and possibly a little better on emotional control and verbal acuity but similarly needs the toilet immediately, has the odd accident and certainly can't do letters or shapes.

They come along an awful lot over the next year and all kids develop at very different rates. There are kids in our current Y1 (so 2 years ahead) with similar issues.

I would echo Jellycat's suggestions. I also think that just narrating the world to your child and asking them lots of questions is really powerful (I always worry some MNer will think I'm a performance parent).

If you are worried about developmental delay, I'd seek professional support now. If (as is very likely) it turns out to be nothing then all you have lost is the inconvenience of a few appointments.

Thanks ladies.
Her key worker took me aside today to say they wanted to refer her to speech therapy so I took the opportunity to discuss my concerns and she listened and assured me she isn’t as far behind as I think and that they will support her to get her ready.
I feel a bit better but still intend to take the advice here and support her where I can.
Appreciate your kind words ladies thank you.

Speech and language therapists are fab and will help her with the emotional and social stuff you’re seeing too - good call for the school to make.

Thanks jellycats, we were referred at the beginning of this year and they said she was too immature to benefit. Her speech has come on in leaps since but isn’t what it should be.

If the school has a nurture group these can be hugely beneficial for working on friendships, resilience and emotional literacy. I've seen children arrive in the group in pull ups, practically mute, with no friendships and very poor muscle control but after a year they are totally different in their confidence and abilities. A good nurture room is worth it's weight in gold.
At home you could do some dough disco and letter writing with fingers in shaving foam. Dough disco videos are on YouTube and are great for building muscle strength. As an adult their awful to watch but kids love them.

Thanks runner I will look into that. I have a tough tray. Will get it out and make good use.

WOULD START now go to Local community disability team SEND as with you LA's Statutory schools disability team whome you can ask advice from. Request if your child could be placed on a " Pathway plan this will monitor and guide you for a few years after assessment decisions may be made as too whether she will need further support or if there is a need for an Educational Health Care plan put in place in which she would be assessed by an Educational Phycologist who will recommend suitable provisions. This is the correct procedure too take if you have concerns may seem a bit drastic but better safe than sorry, The earlier you start the better ', hopefully you child will develop well during this time with the help of early interventions which will bring on board professionals such as OT., Speech and language. sensory., and you have early satisfaction and closure., Interventions will not harm any child. Wish you all the best.